don't leave your bed
it isn't worth it
you aren't worth it
sit in your sweat
sit in your thoughts
listen to the static
you deserve to
don't brush your teeth
don't you dare eat
don't go outside
don't get up
your brain is made
of ***** laundry
lethargic clothes
piled up
as a result of
an incurable sadness
you better not
leave your bed
there's no point
your brain will never
get clean
there aren't enough
washing machines
in the world
that could wash out this sickness
May 20, 2022
May 20, 2022 at 8:15 PM UTC
I melt into
my sheets
every night
I pull the puddle
that is my misery
back together
every morning
Apr 17, 2022
Apr 17, 2022 at 12:24 AM UTC
I have
welcomed death
with open,
pleading arms
for a long time
I would romanticize
the end
of my life
beg to the void
to take me
to destroy me
I thought that
the only true promise
of contentment
I could ever grasp
was found
six feet deep
then I held you
and somehow,
I was
met with a love
stronger than
my desire for death
Mar 17, 2022
Mar 17, 2022 at 6:00 PM UTC
you can bring flowers
and visit
in the spring
and I'll say sorry
I couldn't stay
to see them grow
I'll say sorry
because I wilted
with the purples
and the blues
of the petals
Mar 14, 2022
Mar 14, 2022 at 6:03 PM UTC
soft, gentle moss
must have
fallen in love with
golden, translucent amber
to create your eyes
your bones must ache
from carrying the
rivers
and the weight
of their sorrow
your veins must cry
from all the gardens
you've bled on
to keep yourself
inebriated,
impossibly far
from the delicate string
that weaves
cosmic patterns
through your lovely soul
the dancing colors that
live in your
irises
stare at me
tired,
but alive
and
in love
Jan 14, 2022
Jan 14, 2022 at 5:03 PM UTC
if only you knew
the millions of ways
your smile
single-handedly
begs me not to cry
you are
impossibly ethereal
art that can't be touched
that can't be real
because
if it is . . .
well,
it would mean
that smile
has to
take responsibility
for every exploding star
every particle that
frantically
rearranges itself
to keep dying planets
from falling out of orbit
when
they are dancing
gracefully on
the narrow thread
that is either
extinction or
life itself
if only you knew
how your eyes
demand of the world
to gain color
and lose it's darkness
simultaneously
again and again
they plead
for me to stay
they look at me
green and kind and
loving
they tell me
"existing is worth it."
what's insane
is you have no idea
that you do this
to me
that you
paint the moons
that orbit my brain
that you
bring life
to this seemingly grey
universe
in my head
made of static
you are
such a precious thing
this poem
can't capture
the millions of ways
your smile
single-handedly
begs me not to cry
max
Dec 28, 2021
Dec 28, 2021 at 3:08 AM UTC
specifically an attempt
on your life
is odd
it's not the first time
you've welcomed death
but it
is still odd
to be alive
you don't know
where to put your hands
or how to feel safe
with yourself
you can tell
everyone looks at you
a bit funny
because you're different
most people
have thoughts about suicide
but they don't actually
take as many pills
as you did
and have done
in the past
it doesn't feel right
to be here
sitting in this chair
nothing feels right
everyone
expects you to stay
and you don't
want to scare them
but
god how lovely
would it be
if the attempt had been
successful
you don't know where to put
your hands
you kind of are floating
through the days
for a while
you don't talk about it much
because you don't want
to be triggering
or to burden
or scare people
but dying
is always on your mind
it's not like it left
I still believe
the only way
for me to be at peace
is to be buried
six feet deep
because I don't know where
I'm ******* supposed to put my
hands
and my entire body is not my own
I am absent from myself
and I am a ghost
all alone
no one can ever reach me
this deep in my head
and I can't get out
so why can't I just *******
die?
**** you for wanting me to stay
I'm in ******* pain
Dec 16, 2021
Dec 16, 2021 at 4:41 PM UTC
I never learned
how to feel
reasonably,
sensibly,
normally
I only know
how to let sadness
consume me
and love
take over my atoms
while it
eats me alive
I let anger burn
in my body
until I'm charred
and raw
and my insides
are left aching
I let jealousy
build up like tar
in my stomach
I let my indifference
ruin my intestines
and scar my skin
I let hate
turn my brain
into a record
that tells me
I deserve
blood
and suicide
and I let guilt
hold me by strings
that control my actions
like a puppet
like a corpse
I let it starve my body
until I can't
remember that food
is meant for energy
and not a false
sense of control
by means of
it's absence
I don't feel feelings
I become them
I get attached quickly
I never learned
how to have
healthy,
constructive,
good
relationships
when I feel excitement
I also experience
such intense
stomach-churning dread
because every
lovely thing
I thought would stay
has left
I don't think
I was made for happiness
see,
the idea of love
is the same to me
as fear
the idea of safety
is just one side
of the coin
that is
abandonment
it's not even that
I don't trust
when I feel safe . . .
I can't
I know
all things
that are sweet
inevitably
turn sour
even the freshest
of fruit
will
rot
eventually
every person who
I have let
into my heart
has also ended
it's unsteady beat
so when people
ask to know me
to "love" me
they are also asking
to have the capacity
to end me
I guess
that's why
when they say
they care
I interpret it
as a threat
I don't imagine
they'll actually
stay, so
I have a hard time
letting them
in
I have a terrible time
allowing love to
begin
I never learned
how to suffer
in a way
that is normal
I don't just cry
I shatter
I don't just feel
I embody
I grieve people
before they even
leave
and I die when
they finally do
I have trouble
with attachment
Dec 14, 2021
Dec 14, 2021 at 4:14 PM UTC
your energy
is orange
it feels safe
it tells me
you can exist
it reminds me
of comfort
warmth
soft blankets
fuzzy socks
my teddy bears
when you speak
it is gentle
your tone
gives off
kindness
genuine concern
understanding
security
the opposite
of hospital beds
which are cold
and remind me
of pills. . .
death
your energy
it's orange
and beautiful
it looks like
the sunset
your energy
is alive
and breathing
you're so pretty
you're glowing
you're orange
you're warm
you're safe
Dec 13, 2021
Dec 13, 2021 at 4:20 PM UTC