i sometimes wonder
why does it feel like
i am always a second version
like someone was already here
doing everything i do
but better
same steps
same attempts
same effort
but somehow
cleaner
sharper
louder
why do i try
and still feel like
i am catching up
to something i never started
dance
studies
art
sports
everything becomes
a quiet comparison
even when no one says it
and i am proud of them
i mean it
i am
but it still sits there
this feeling i don’t fully name
because it is not jealousy
not really
it is something worse than that
it is watching them shine
and feeling happy for them
while also wondering
why that light never lands on me the same way
and that is what makes it worse
because how do you feel empty
about something you are also proud of
why does praise for them
feel like distance for me
why does my effort
feel invisible
even when it is the same kind of trying
why do i feel like
a reflection that never fully forms
not less
just always after
and why does that turn into guilt
like i am not allowed to feel this
because i love them
because i do
but love does not cancel out
the feeling of being unseen
and that is what hurts
not hatred
not jealousy
just this strange heaviness
of being happy and lost
in the same breath
Apr 16
Apr 16, 2026 at 4:20 AM UTC
i sometimes wonder
why does it feel like
i am always a second version
like someone was already here
doing everything i do
but better
same steps
same attempts
same effort
but somehow
cleaner
sharper
louder
why do i try
and still feel like
i am catching up
to something i never started
dance
studies
art
sports
everything becomes
a quiet comparison
even when no one says it
and i am proud of them
i mean it
i am
but it still sits there
this feeling i don’t fully name
because it is not jealousy
not really
it is something worse than that
it is watching them shine
and feeling happy for them
while also wondering
why that light never lands on me the same way
and that is what makes it worse
because how do you feel empty
about something you are also proud of
why does praise for them
feel like distance for me
why does my effort
feel invisible
even when it is the same kind of trying
why do i feel like
a reflection that never fully forms
not less
just always after
and why does that turn into guilt
like i am not allowed to feel this
because i love them
because i do
but love does not cancel out
the feeling of being unseen
and that is what hurts
not hatred
not jealousy
just this strange heaviness
of being happy and lost
in the same breath