i sometimes wonder
why does it feel like
i am always a second version
like someone was already here
doing everything i do
but better
same steps
same attempts
same effort
but somehow
cleaner
sharper
louder
why do i try
and still feel like
i am catching up
to something i never started
dance
studies
art
sports
everything becomes
a quiet comparison
even when no one says it
and i am proud of them
i mean it
i am
but it still sits there
this feeling i don’t fully name
because it is not jealousy
not really
it is something worse than that
it is watching them shine
and feeling happy for them
while also wondering
why that light never lands on me the same way
and that is what makes it worse
because how do you feel empty
about something you are also proud of
why does praise for them
feel like distance for me
why does my effort
feel invisible
even when it is the same kind of trying
why do i feel like
a reflection that never fully forms
not less
just always after
and why does that turn into guilt
like i am not allowed to feel this
because i love them
because i do
but love does not cancel out
the feeling of being unseen
and that is what hurts
not hatred
not jealousy
just this strange heaviness
of being happy and lost
in the same breath
Apr 16
Apr 16, 2026 at 4:20 AM UTC
why are they called white
as if the color makes them clean
as if a lie becomes lighter
when it is said softly
why does “i’m fine”
feel like swallowing a truth
that never dissolves
why do we say things
to protect someone else
and then sit alone
with what we didn’t say
why does a small lie
follow us longer than it should
not in words
but in feeling
in the pause after
in the way it repeats itself
when everything is finally still
why is it easier
to bend the truth
than risk being fully seen
and why does that choice
still leave a mark
not on others
on us
we say it was nothing
just a white lie
but it stays heavier
than it sounds
because even when it protects
it still takes something away
Apr 16
Apr 16, 2026 at 4:16 AM UTC
why does average feel like a word
people lower their voice for
like it’s something fragile
or worse
something embarrassing
why does it sound like
a life half-lived
why do we say
“don’t be average”
the way we say
“don’t waste yourself”
as if they mean the same thing
why does failure
get remembered
held up
dissected
given meaning
while average
slips through fingers
without even leaving a trace
why is being the worst
still a kind of presence
a mark
a stain
proof that you touched something
but being average
feels like standing in a room
full of people
and slowly realizing
no one would notice
if you left
why does that thought
sit heavier
than the fear of falling apart
why do we chase extremes
like they’re proof of living
as if pain
or brilliance
are the only languages
that count
why is quiet
mistaken for empty
why is steady
mistaken for small
why does “enough”
sound like surrender
who taught us
that we must either
overflow
or disappear
who decided
the middle
was a place people go
when they stop trying
because i look at it now
and it doesn’t feel empty
it feels full
in a quieter way
like a heartbeat
you don’t notice
until it stops
like breath
coming and going
without asking
to be seen
maybe average
is not the absence of something
maybe it is the absence
of breaking
maybe it is staying
when everything around you
demands you
to become louder
bigger
more
maybe it is choosing
to exist
without turning yourself
into a performance
Mar 29
Mar 29, 2026 at 1:41 AM UTC