i don’t remember when it started
only that it feels older than me
like it was stitched into the lining
of my childhood jacket
something I carried before I had words for it
they say “you get used to it”
and I did
I got used to the heaviness
to the way mornings felt like swimming through glue
to smiling in photographs
with something hollow behind my ribs
you get used to it
but it never goes away
it just changes shape
when I was little
I used to wish
oh, how ignorance was bliss
that one day, I’d be happier than this
I thought happiness was a destination
a city I’d grow into
where the air would be lighter
and my chest wouldn’t feel so tight
I used to feel
like all my fantasies were real
like someday I’d wake up
and everything would finally make sense
but now my dreams have lost all their appeal
they feel fragile
like glass I’m too tired to keep polishing
somewhere along the way
the sadness stopped screaming
and started whispering
then it stopped whispering
and became silence
numb is quieter
numb is easier
numb doesn’t ask for much
I’m comfortable
I’m okay, I’m not that miserable
I’m somewhere in the middle of it all
not drowning
not breathing easy either
just floating
face up
staring at a sky I don’t fully trust
as crazy as it is, I admit
I’m afraid of getting better
I’m afraid it gets too good
’cause it can’t last forever
even though I wish it could
because I’ve learned this rule too well
the higher you rise, the further that you fall
and soon, you’re left with nothin’ at all
so I keep myself low
manageable
small
I honestly just don’t wanna spend my energy
fixin’ all these broken things
what if I build something beautiful
and it collapses again
what if I let myself feel everything
and it hurts worse than before
if I, I get through this
I’ll never be the same
and maybe that’s what scares me most
because this sadness
as heavy as it is
is familiar
it has been with me
since playground days
since lying awake at eight years old
wondering why I felt older than everyone else
I don’t know who I am without it
they say you get used to it
and I have
but sometimes
late at night
when the numbness cracks just a little
I still wonder
what it would be like
to rise
without bracing
for the fall.
Feb 22
Feb 22, 2026 at 7:41 PM UTC
i don’t remember when it started
only that it feels older than me
like it was stitched into the lining
of my childhood jacket
something I carried before I had words for it
they say “you get used to it”
and I did
I got used to the heaviness
to the way mornings felt like swimming through glue
to smiling in photographs
with something hollow behind my ribs
you get used to it
but it never goes away
it just changes shape
when I was little
I used to wish
oh, how ignorance was bliss
that one day, I’d be happier than this
I thought happiness was a destination
a city I’d grow into
where the air would be lighter
and my chest wouldn’t feel so tight
I used to feel
like all my fantasies were real
like someday I’d wake up
and everything would finally make sense
but now my dreams have lost all their appeal
they feel fragile
like glass I’m too tired to keep polishing
somewhere along the way
the sadness stopped screaming
and started whispering
then it stopped whispering
and became silence
numb is quieter
numb is easier
numb doesn’t ask for much
I’m comfortable
I’m okay, I’m not that miserable
I’m somewhere in the middle of it all
not drowning
not breathing easy either
just floating
face up
staring at a sky I don’t fully trust
as crazy as it is, I admit
I’m afraid of getting better
I’m afraid it gets too good
’cause it can’t last forever
even though I wish it could
because I’ve learned this rule too well
the higher you rise, the further that you fall
and soon, you’re left with nothin’ at all
so I keep myself low
manageable
small
I honestly just don’t wanna spend my energy
fixin’ all these broken things
what if I build something beautiful
and it collapses again
what if I let myself feel everything
and it hurts worse than before
if I, I get through this
I’ll never be the same
and maybe that’s what scares me most
because this sadness
as heavy as it is
is familiar
it has been with me
since playground days
since lying awake at eight years old
wondering why I felt older than everyone else
I don’t know who I am without it
they say you get used to it
and I have
but sometimes
late at night
when the numbness cracks just a little
I still wonder
what it would be like
to rise
without bracing
for the fall.
Hey, hey, maybe some of the words seem familiar, that’s because it’s inspired by the song “nothing at all” by Madison beer. I really liked the way she put this exact thought into words and tried my best to use it and turn it into my own writing.