I want to live a life without any of these limits that are all around me.
I want to see you when I can.
I want to hug you everywhere.
When all of this heaviness buries me inside the deepest pit I want to crawl out.
And smile.
Through the fire, I will just be smiling.
My heart’s dancing.
Warming up.
Against your skin.
I’m not so pure anymore.
Like I used to be when I was young.
Suffering, but always trying to hold on in pure love.
Now I need strong poison.
Somehow.
I am killing myself slowly.
I wish I had done it when I could quickly.
But I never managed to, and I never drowned.
My sorrow and my tiredness were strong, but somehow my heart wasn’t.
Somehow, my heart even survived when it should not have.
Now it’s black and dark red, blood stained but remains.
Pounding up and down, like I am somehow reaching up from the pit in the ground that the world put me in.
This world where I wanted to be buried in.
But this soil even feels too wet to be buried in.
When I lay my body down, it feels so heavy.
I want to lie next to the willow tree, but there’s no willow tree here.
This soil is not fitting.
I’m sitting with my bare feet.
But nothing feels ok.
I’m just getting through this moment again and again.
Until hopefully my dreams will be reality.
Apr 10
Apr 10, 2026 at 10:00 AM UTC
I want to live a life without any of these limits that are all around me.
I want to see you when I can.
I want to hug you everywhere.
When all of this heaviness buries me inside the deepest pit I want to crawl out.
And smile.
Through the fire, I will just be smiling.
My heart’s dancing.
Warming up.
Against your skin.
I’m not so pure anymore.
Like I used to be when I was young.
Suffering, but always trying to hold on in pure love.
Now I need strong poison.
Somehow.
I am killing myself slowly.
I wish I had done it when I could quickly.
But I never managed to, and I never drowned.
My sorrow and my tiredness were strong, but somehow my heart wasn’t.
Somehow, my heart even survived when it should not have.
Now it’s black and dark red, blood stained but remains.
Pounding up and down, like I am somehow reaching up from the pit in the ground that the world put me in.
This world where I wanted to be buried in.
But this soil even feels too wet to be buried in.
When I lay my body down, it feels so heavy.
I want to lie next to the willow tree, but there’s no willow tree here.
This soil is not fitting.
I’m sitting with my bare feet.
But nothing feels ok.
I’m just getting through this moment again and again.
Until hopefully my dreams will be reality.
10-04-26
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