this is a poem to my dad
if you are reading this
I'm sorry
but
in this poem
I will just be typing my feelings
and seeing what happens
seeing what monstrous words crawl out from the cracks of my crumbling
empty
heart
Fathers
Fathers protect you
Fathers raise you
Fathers make you a good person
they set a good example
and for the most part
you've done that
and I am extremely grateful
but...
the other half of our almost 18-year coexistence
you've made me feel things
bad things
dark dark
things
and thoughts
dad, I love you
but I can tell
that you do not feel the same
about me
sure you might have raised me
and dealt with the monsters under the bed
in the closet
in my head
but for the past 18 years
I have felt a burning bright red rage and hatred
cutting my heart in two
and I could never pinpoint why or how it started
maybe it is my mere existence that triggers this
maybe you're finally realizing I am a machine that you can't fix
so you yell at me for not fixing myself even though I don't know how or what's broken, to begin with
perhaps
it's my smile
my eyes
my heart
my mind
I do not know
maybe you hate me because I ruined your wife's life
with my existence
my personality
whatever it is
I don't know
but I just know you hate me
dad
you make me feel as though
I. am. nothing
and if you make ME feel that way
I can only imagine how my mother feels
having been married to you all this time
you make me feel ugly
I don't know why maybe
that's just me being me
broken
and damaged
you make me feel sad
when you say 'don't expect me too'
it makes me feel betrayed in a way
you make me feel angry
by the way, you treat my mother at times
my mom is a saint for dealing with you
she deals with your ice cold heart
your anger
your screaming that I can hear over my Hamilton blaring from my headphones
that I have blasting to block out the noises of the angry voices of the people that once put me to sleep
you make me feel inadequate
whenever I can't meet your increasingly high standards
whenever you ask about my math grades
and you focus on my math and nothing else
y'know dad I took a marine biology course
and passed it
just so I could
FINALLY
earn just the tiniest amount of respect from you
but
I didn't
my grade was too low
too low
they're always too low
and they're never good enough
for you
and your standards
I don't think I'll ever be able to meet those standards
imagine this
I am a world class gymnast
or in a p.e. class
without my physical limitations of course
and I have to do a pull up
I jump up to grab the shining pole
the praise
the admiration
the respect
but I miss and fall back to the ground
failure
but that doesn't stop me from trying again
I jump again this time the bar is etched with geometric equations and it's higher
my hands grasp it for a minute and then quickly
let go once again
another fail
I try
and try
and try
but no matter how high I jump up
I always fall
always fail
to others, I'm doing great
they're so proud
proud of me
but not you
no matter what I do
nothing is good enough for you
dad, I hope these words
finally, drill through your thick skull
but I know they won't
nothing ever will
I'm just being optimistic
dad
why am I writing this?
you ask
well I'll tell you why dad
I was talking to my boyfriend
as the sun laid down and rested it's tired head painting the sky orange and pink waiting for the night shift
and he was attempting to help me get my mic to not be quiet
and I felt rage bubbling over the surface like a hot soup
and I yelled
hung up
and sobbed
I called back a few seconds a few minutes later
apologizing profusely
I realized dad
that I started to sound like you
screaming
angry
frustrated and I also realized
I NEVER want to make someone feel the way you make me feel ever!
when I finally move out of the little nest of love
drama
family
and happiness you and mom built
I don't know if I will want to associate all that much
not with you anyway
sure
if MOM invites me
to a party
to a dinner
I will go and talk to you as little as possible
and I know one child has done that before
and I know it hurts
but you have made me feel this way for nearly 18 years
and you can't just recover instantly from that kind of ****
now YOU must try and grasp the high bar to try and regain my trust
goodbye dear readers
goodbye dad I hope you finally get it
love your daughter
Mar 25, 2019
Mar 25, 2019 at 10:28 AM UTC
this is a poem to my dad
if you are reading this
I'm sorry
but
in this poem
I will just be typing my feelings
and seeing what happens
seeing what monstrous words crawl out from the cracks of my crumbling
empty
heart
Fathers
Fathers protect you
Fathers raise you
Fathers make you a good person
they set a good example
and for the most part
you've done that
and I am extremely grateful
but...
the other half of our almost 18-year coexistence
you've made me feel things
bad things
dark dark
things
and thoughts
dad, I love you
but I can tell
that you do not feel the same
about me
sure you might have raised me
and dealt with the monsters under the bed
in the closet
in my head
but for the past 18 years
I have felt a burning bright red rage and hatred
cutting my heart in two
and I could never pinpoint why or how it started
maybe it is my mere existence that triggers this
maybe you're finally realizing I am a machine that you can't fix
so you yell at me for not fixing myself even though I don't know how or what's broken, to begin with
perhaps
it's my smile
my eyes
my heart
my mind
I do not know
maybe you hate me because I ruined your wife's life
with my existence
my personality
whatever it is
I don't know
but I just know you hate me
dad
you make me feel as though
I. am. nothing
and if you make ME feel that way
I can only imagine how my mother feels
having been married to you all this time
you make me feel ugly
I don't know why maybe
that's just me being me
broken
and damaged
you make me feel sad
when you say 'don't expect me too'
it makes me feel betrayed in a way
you make me feel angry
by the way, you treat my mother at times
my mom is a saint for dealing with you
she deals with your ice cold heart
your anger
your screaming that I can hear over my Hamilton blaring from my headphones
that I have blasting to block out the noises of the angry voices of the people that once put me to sleep
you make me feel inadequate
whenever I can't meet your increasingly high standards
whenever you ask about my math grades
and you focus on my math and nothing else
y'know dad I took a marine biology course
and passed it
just so I could
FINALLY
earn just the tiniest amount of respect from you
but
I didn't
my grade was too low
too low
they're always too low
and they're never good enough
for you
and your standards
I don't think I'll ever be able to meet those standards
imagine this
I am a world class gymnast
or in a p.e. class
without my physical limitations of course
and I have to do a pull up
I jump up to grab the shining pole
the praise
the admiration
the respect
but I miss and fall back to the ground
failure
but that doesn't stop me from trying again
I jump again this time the bar is etched with geometric equations and it's higher
my hands grasp it for a minute and then quickly
let go once again
another fail
I try
and try
and try
but no matter how high I jump up
I always fall
always fail
to others, I'm doing great
they're so proud
proud of me
but not you
no matter what I do
nothing is good enough for you
dad, I hope these words
finally, drill through your thick skull
but I know they won't
nothing ever will
I'm just being optimistic
dad
why am I writing this?
you ask
well I'll tell you why dad
I was talking to my boyfriend
as the sun laid down and rested it's tired head painting the sky orange and pink waiting for the night shift
and he was attempting to help me get my mic to not be quiet
and I felt rage bubbling over the surface like a hot soup
and I yelled
hung up
and sobbed
I called back a few seconds a few minutes later
apologizing profusely
I realized dad
that I started to sound like you
screaming
angry
frustrated and I also realized
I NEVER want to make someone feel the way you make me feel ever!
when I finally move out of the little nest of love
drama
family
and happiness you and mom built
I don't know if I will want to associate all that much
not with you anyway
sure
if MOM invites me
to a party
to a dinner
I will go and talk to you as little as possible
and I know one child has done that before
and I know it hurts
but you have made me feel this way for nearly 18 years
and you can't just recover instantly from that kind of ****
now YOU must try and grasp the high bar to try and regain my trust
goodbye dear readers
goodbye dad I hope you finally get it
love your daughter
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