It must be two in the morning.
it's cold. Dark. The bleeding is relentless.
My fault.
I didn't ask for any of this
but in the end it is my fault alone.
I try to breathe.
how?
I can't.
it feels like
liquid nitrogen.
not oxygen.
I need air.
can't breathe.
chest collapsing.
I wake up.
two ten.
still dark out.
got a text
at ten something
from my Bluebird of Peace.
a list of inappropriate but still humorous jokes.
some are cringey,
but I still laugh or smile.
and so guilt and shame are washed from my mind,
as I debate running
to the bathroom
to wash the cold sweat off
that has drenched my skin
and clothes.
I keep smelling iron
though I know it isn't there.
the things I have seen
and the things I have lost
like to haunt me.
I would like to be a ghost.
to haunt them
in return.
instead I breathe in.
I breathe out.
I change clothes,
stripping down entirely to put on shorts and a t-shirt.
I put on his hoodie.
Wait for warmth.
Hold my old stuffed lion.
send my Bluebird
a text.
I need some type of noise,
but all I hear is snoring
and the dripping of a faucet.
I am glad
for instances like these
that I do not
live alone.
at least this time
i didn't cry myself awake.
one day
it will be different.
"That part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
Jul 9, 2016
Jul 9, 2016 at 2:44 AM UTC
It must be two in the morning.
it's cold. Dark. The bleeding is relentless.
My fault.
I didn't ask for any of this
but in the end it is my fault alone.
I try to breathe.
how?
I can't.
it feels like
liquid nitrogen.
not oxygen.
I need air.
can't breathe.
chest collapsing.
I wake up.
two ten.
still dark out.
got a text
at ten something
from my Bluebird of Peace.
a list of inappropriate but still humorous jokes.
some are cringey,
but I still laugh or smile.
and so guilt and shame are washed from my mind,
as I debate running
to the bathroom
to wash the cold sweat off
that has drenched my skin
and clothes.
I keep smelling iron
though I know it isn't there.
the things I have seen
and the things I have lost
like to haunt me.
I would like to be a ghost.
to haunt them
in return.
instead I breathe in.
I breathe out.
I change clothes,
stripping down entirely to put on shorts and a t-shirt.
I put on his hoodie.
Wait for warmth.
Hold my old stuffed lion.
send my Bluebird
a text.
I need some type of noise,
but all I hear is snoring
and the dripping of a faucet.
I am glad
for instances like these
that I do not
live alone.
at least this time
i didn't cry myself awake.
one day
it will be different.
"That part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
Nightmares. written from phone.
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