Will this be the time?

pernille-augustson Poems

I'm like this again It's an uncurable disease, Just keeps on coming back Making me want to die I'm also afraid to die I really want to live I really want to want to live But I still feel like this, And I can't live with it You say you love me, They say they miss me, Some even wants to be with me, I can't believe a word they say I can hear it, but not understand Or feel it Makes no sense at all, why I still feel all alone Might be that I never let them through, Noone knows what's going on, Going on inside my mind, All my broken thoughts, hopes, wishes and dreams Crushed into the one thing That I've always been able to feel, and to understand; The strong and powerful pain It's like it's always with me, Even when I am starting to feel fine, It's still with me, the pain then starts to rain all over me It won't ever go away from me Can't I ever be free? Why have I felt like this forever? I thought things would get better, I always do, but it never lasts The pain takes me straight back It never tells when it's going to strike But when it strikes, it strikes I'm certain of that Will this be my future? Day in and day out... A glimpse of happiness, Then just excruciating pain Like there's no way out You give and then you take Everything that's left on the plate More than you gave Just to leave me with less When I started to lose my suppress I'm now suppressed to a whole new extent I'm afraid to tell, paranoid in every way, A sound here, a shadow there Someone wants me, I have to hide They all want to take me down Don't go outside, you'll be destroyed The sun will melt you, the rays will burn you, And the daylight, It will destroy you... My mind says things I know aren't true, But If I open up my state of mind, I don't know if I'll get cured I'm afraid to be ridiculed I'm afraid to be looked down upon I'm afraid to be framed I'm afraid to be deceived I'm afraid to be lied to I'm afraid to be ruined But must of all, I'm afraid of growing old... To die alone and unloved, filled with unfulfilled dreams, Years of depression and guilt Of all the life I never lived Wasted time, wasted memories Just because of fear how can I bear? I doubt everyone's intentions Even my own In my heart, I don't even know where I belong I don't want to take my life, I want to start my life My disease complicates my soul When it rains at the most, it turns into an ocean, I've been here before The question is... Will I swim through this time too, or will this be the time I drown?