I'm scared of myself when I answer my vices
And of who I see when the cover surfaces
I am not a victim, I think, probably
I think I just choose it sometimes consciously
And I'm scared to wonder what that makes of me
In the best case scenario, only a hypocrite.
I'm scared of myself when I let go
In the wrong direction and see the world so
Paralised, all exists for my pleasure
Like my common sense just goes through erasure
Just bodies I see, just lust and apathy
And shame and guilt and apparently
It takes a while to reset to just being
Myself without losing my head when seeing
The slightest curve on a body or red on a lip
The smallest permission to have one more drink
To sleep a bit more and delay all my dreams
And instead run after purposeless things
I wanna get sober and become more amazed
By what I can do when I am not dazed
But maybe part of me is even more scared
Of what life could be with no limits held
How deep could I love or how much poetry
Could I end up writing if I just live all of me
Instead of hiding in this shell of ***********
Shame and self judgement, worshipping apathy
Though I hate this ******* god
His prayers keep me in the dark
And I hate myself for not hating it fully
For not wanting more to live purposefully
For falling for songs of addiction so truly
Naive and susceptible and Jesus so foolish
So self aware that
"There should be no excuse"
Yet this doesn't help
It just feeds the abuse
And where I'm going with this? I don't know?
I am just somebody trying to grow
Beyond all the vice I refuse to let go
It's messy and clumsy and humanly ******
Yet god sees my trying as humanly pretty
Which one? I don't know, whichever god may be,
Except the one just mentioned, that one's a ********
Anyways, **** him, and keep moving ahead,
The fact that you're hoping, proves you are not dead
And in the least, if you ask me, despite all the dread
And the self abuse, it's noble to thread
Alongside yourself, how you've been all along
It feels like forever, but you will get beyond
And when you feel hopeless, stuck on the same stage
Remember, it's human nature to change
It's not something that you can force or prolong
Just something to witness as you write this song
One day it will click when you're walking somewhere
Though subtle, we change all the time everywhere
And it's just how it is, it's not a soul mission
Don't think your addiction can be an exception
Just let it subside to the waves of your living
And maybe you'll find at some you won't need it
And I cannot find ******* punchline to end,
So I'll just say "You'll be okay" instead.
No, like for real, listen when i say
You don't see it now, but
You will be okay.
_M.
Apr 15
Apr 15, 2026 at 8:21 PM UTC
I'm scared of myself when I answer my vices
And of who I see when the cover surfaces
I am not a victim, I think, probably
I think I just choose it sometimes consciously
And I'm scared to wonder what that makes of me
In the best case scenario, only a hypocrite.
I'm scared of myself when I let go
In the wrong direction and see the world so
Paralised, all exists for my pleasure
Like my common sense just goes through erasure
Just bodies I see, just lust and apathy
And shame and guilt and apparently
It takes a while to reset to just being
Myself without losing my head when seeing
The slightest curve on a body or red on a lip
The smallest permission to have one more drink
To sleep a bit more and delay all my dreams
And instead run after purposeless things
I wanna get sober and become more amazed
By what I can do when I am not dazed
But maybe part of me is even more scared
Of what life could be with no limits held
How deep could I love or how much poetry
Could I end up writing if I just live all of me
Instead of hiding in this shell of ***********
Shame and self judgement, worshipping apathy
Though I hate this ******* god
His prayers keep me in the dark
And I hate myself for not hating it fully
For not wanting more to live purposefully
For falling for songs of addiction so truly
Naive and susceptible and Jesus so foolish
So self aware that
"There should be no excuse"
Yet this doesn't help
It just feeds the abuse
And where I'm going with this? I don't know?
I am just somebody trying to grow
Beyond all the vice I refuse to let go
It's messy and clumsy and humanly ******
Yet god sees my trying as humanly pretty
Which one? I don't know, whichever god may be,
Except the one just mentioned, that one's a ********
Anyways, **** him, and keep moving ahead,
The fact that you're hoping, proves you are not dead
And in the least, if you ask me, despite all the dread
And the self abuse, it's noble to thread
Alongside yourself, how you've been all along
It feels like forever, but you will get beyond
And when you feel hopeless, stuck on the same stage
Remember, it's human nature to change
It's not something that you can force or prolong
Just something to witness as you write this song
One day it will click when you're walking somewhere
Though subtle, we change all the time everywhere
And it's just how it is, it's not a soul mission
Don't think your addiction can be an exception
Just let it subside to the waves of your living
And maybe you'll find at some you won't need it
And I cannot find ******* punchline to end,
So I'll just say "You'll be okay" instead.
No, like for real, listen when i say
You don't see it now, but
You will be okay.
_M.
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