found this note in my phone, from january. i remember, there was one night, i cried, - and cried - and cried until i couldnt. i felt all the pain. and then, klarity arrived. i told myself im making changes. its been five months now, and im still going strong standing in this new me - not past ways, here's the note, anyway.
"when your on a journey of true self worth -
self respect - self love. every decision counts.
from what i put into my body, to who i allow in my life.
i started to take a step back - evaluate -
observing my state after interactions.
did this leave me feeling , anxious - or content?
did they take from my energy - or add?
that was something small yet eye opening.
another thing i wasnt doing before, i wasnt acting out of logic. i operated off of impulse, and fear of abandonment. i never did what I wanted to do. I did what other people wanted me to do, major people pleasing, my whole life. kayla based her happiness off of pleasing others. She only had a spine when she was pushed to the edge of abandoning her own needs for others, she'd crack.
incomes the hurricane, no one knew was coming.
Her truth, cut deep. Cause she observed, and held everything in. for yearsss..literally..
Most never knew it was coming, that she was even almost at a breaking point.
she masked her true feelings, and needs, about everything.
people pleasing is detrimental.
not only to you, but the relationships you are involved in, friendships, romance, any. it's not fair to anyone.
It's not honest, towards yourself or others. Not only are you robbing yourself of your own wants, desires, joy even. you start to gain spite towards the other person. you never communicate how you feel, and one day when you just CANT do it anymore... the floodgates burst open.
Not only that, you never let any one know the real you. the person who says what they actually think, even if its not the most "nice" thing to hear. Honest oponions, honest perspectives, not just agreeing with everything like a passive little *****
editing yourself, in order to be liked - or not abandoned - and at that point, you've already abandoned yourself. and when people see how you don't even respect your own self, they wont either. they will walk all over you if you allow it. but most of all, they dont even really know you. people pleasing is W E A K .
and real friends, can respect boundaries.
real connections, don't see boundaries as a wall.
a boundary is a window to connection,
a boundary is me saying "this is how i can connect/ love you and feel safe"
in a way, im giving you the cheat code.
a person that wants to be in your life
hears you
and sees the boundary as a guideline/ window to connection.
not something to push on. it will be respected.
---
i feel like im being tested from the universe lately to see how serious i am about sustaining the new me.
Things from the past, almost same situations arising.
a test.
is she just talk or is she firmly aligned with what she speaks?
I remember, i wrote in my journal
"you will learn, when you make a different decision given the same circumstance. until then, it will repeat."
thats how lessons work. the universe is not out to get you.
the universe is trying to get you to wake up to your own ****
there will always be more lessons, right?
but im pretty tired of this same course. the pain is worse every time.
different ppl, same lesson, did you learn your lesson/ make a different decision? or did you stay the same and just say you did.
thats the real test.
the only people, who dont like when you find your self.
your self worth, self respect, are the ones who were benefiting off of your insecurities to have the most gain with low effort.
so,
if you dont like how i treat you now,
know it was earned.
and even at my coldest,
im still kind.
a part of me
still wants connection
wants to help
but why
why
would iwant that w someone
who treats me as if i don't matter.
thats not very loving to myself,
to allow these connections -
knowing its causing more damage
to a system still trying to repair from childhood.
stop traumatizing yourself, kayla
make better choices.
if you dont know better, you dont know.
if you know better,
you do better
sometimes it ***** waking up
knowing someone i loved
was feasting on my blood
and left me there to die
all night
with no remorse
but,
now i see clear.
im not seeing from clouded judgement,
from fantasy, or from potential.
now, i take my emotion out
and i look at logic.
what actually is,
and it is,
is SHIITTT
i will try not to judge myself,
for how silly i must have looked..
but all i know is ive always loved purely.
and just wanted connection.
i guess, this was not it.
now i can see.
-KLARITY
1.13.26
May 19
May 19, 2026 at 11:53 PM UTC
found this note in my phone, from january. i remember, there was one night, i cried, - and cried - and cried until i couldnt. i felt all the pain. and then, klarity arrived. i told myself im making changes. its been five months now, and im still going strong standing in this new me - not past ways, here's the note, anyway.
"when your on a journey of true self worth -
self respect - self love. every decision counts.
from what i put into my body, to who i allow in my life.
i started to take a step back - evaluate -
observing my state after interactions.
did this leave me feeling , anxious - or content?
did they take from my energy - or add?
that was something small yet eye opening.
another thing i wasnt doing before, i wasnt acting out of logic. i operated off of impulse, and fear of abandonment. i never did what I wanted to do. I did what other people wanted me to do, major people pleasing, my whole life. kayla based her happiness off of pleasing others. She only had a spine when she was pushed to the edge of abandoning her own needs for others, she'd crack.
incomes the hurricane, no one knew was coming.
Her truth, cut deep. Cause she observed, and held everything in. for yearsss..literally..
Most never knew it was coming, that she was even almost at a breaking point.
she masked her true feelings, and needs, about everything.
people pleasing is detrimental.
not only to you, but the relationships you are involved in, friendships, romance, any. it's not fair to anyone.
It's not honest, towards yourself or others. Not only are you robbing yourself of your own wants, desires, joy even. you start to gain spite towards the other person. you never communicate how you feel, and one day when you just CANT do it anymore... the floodgates burst open.
Not only that, you never let any one know the real you. the person who says what they actually think, even if its not the most "nice" thing to hear. Honest oponions, honest perspectives, not just agreeing with everything like a passive little *****
editing yourself, in order to be liked - or not abandoned - and at that point, you've already abandoned yourself. and when people see how you don't even respect your own self, they wont either. they will walk all over you if you allow it. but most of all, they dont even really know you. people pleasing is W E A K .
and real friends, can respect boundaries.
real connections, don't see boundaries as a wall.
a boundary is a window to connection,
a boundary is me saying "this is how i can connect/ love you and feel safe"
in a way, im giving you the cheat code.
a person that wants to be in your life
hears you
and sees the boundary as a guideline/ window to connection.
not something to push on. it will be respected.
---
i feel like im being tested from the universe lately to see how serious i am about sustaining the new me.
Things from the past, almost same situations arising.
a test.
is she just talk or is she firmly aligned with what she speaks?
I remember, i wrote in my journal
"you will learn, when you make a different decision given the same circumstance. until then, it will repeat."
thats how lessons work. the universe is not out to get you.
the universe is trying to get you to wake up to your own ****
there will always be more lessons, right?
but im pretty tired of this same course. the pain is worse every time.
different ppl, same lesson, did you learn your lesson/ make a different decision? or did you stay the same and just say you did.
thats the real test.
the only people, who dont like when you find your self.
your self worth, self respect, are the ones who were benefiting off of your insecurities to have the most gain with low effort.
so,
if you dont like how i treat you now,
know it was earned.
and even at my coldest,
im still kind.
a part of me
still wants connection
wants to help
but why
why
would iwant that w someone
who treats me as if i don't matter.
thats not very loving to myself,
to allow these connections -
knowing its causing more damage
to a system still trying to repair from childhood.
stop traumatizing yourself, kayla
make better choices.
if you dont know better, you dont know.
if you know better,
you do better
sometimes it ***** waking up
knowing someone i loved
was feasting on my blood
and left me there to die
all night
with no remorse
but,
now i see clear.
im not seeing from clouded judgement,
from fantasy, or from potential.
now, i take my emotion out
and i look at logic.
what actually is,
and it is,
is SHIITTT
i will try not to judge myself,
for how silly i must have looked..
but all i know is ive always loved purely.
and just wanted connection.
i guess, this was not it.
now i can see.
-KLARITY
1.13.26
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