depression is a civil war. you're essentially fighting yourself. and i don't mean that you are your mental illness. i mean your mental illness is you. it's just as much you as your brain or your heart. it's made of the same molecules that make up the skin on the back of your hand. (but for the record, nobody really knows that anything is made of molecules. it's all a construct of humankind's perception to their observations). my point is, fighting in a war with a predetermined winner seems pointless and unfair. but when you actually are fighting it, you don't know which part of you will win. but you do know you will win. sometimes, the mental illness wins. sometimes you lose your war. and that's okay. you never really can win your war. you simply dominate your mental illness. dominance can be overthrown. don't believe me? i dominated my mental illness. but here i am. writing an essay in the form of a poem. and since something changed along the way, i've been thinking about this civil war. i've known for a while that i was fighting it. so why am i just now deciding i'm going to choose when and how my blood stops flowing through these veins covered in beautiful scars. the answer is overthrown dominance. you can try every coping skill, every drug, every conversation, but that only masks the war. it doesn't get rid of your mental illness. it only helps you dominate. dominance can be overthrown. i know i sound bleak and hopeless. but it's the truth. some people can dominate until they die of other things. but they never win their war. but they don't lose it. no dosage of any drug can fix your chemical imbalance. i say it like that because that's what it is. it's the same as if you had an imbalance in your blood cells. but for some people with mental illnesses, it's controllable with a pill. when you look at the science behind it, the pill stimulates your nerves to send a signal to a gland in your brain to release serotonin or dopamine, therefore balancing out the chemicals. but if the person forgets their pill, their chemicals are still imbalanced. you can never really **** a mental illness. but it can **** you. and that's terrifying.
Jan 10, 2019
Jan 10, 2019 at 5:01 PM UTC
i had a talk with creativity last night.
i asked it why it comes and goes
it replied
“why does the sun come up and go down every day”
i didn’t know.
“well, soon you’ll learn that
leaving and coming back
really makes it worth something”
creativity left and hasn’t come back yet.
i wonder if it’s waiting for me to
learn that leaving and coming back
really makes it worth something
Sep 28, 2018
Sep 28, 2018 at 11:42 AM UTC
never get comfortable with mental illness
it is not your friend
it is a force you must fight
I know the heat is like home
burning embers on your flesh and
you know you're alive but
you can't let it consume
all the crevices of you because
there is life where water runs
cool across your feet
rapid and royal it
breathes life into your bones
unlike this smoke that smothers you
like wool on a warm night.
never get comfortable with mental illness
or it'll steal your soul when
you least suspect it so
seek the light
brave like morning
bursting through darkness and
hold on for the new
if the sun can do it
so can you.
Aug 30, 2018
Aug 30, 2018 at 10:09 AM UTC
when i close my eyes
all i see is silence.
i want to see more
but my quiet mind
hides my thoughts.
then they come rushing back and
they’re worse than ever before and
it hurts.
i cry
i break
i heal
i wait
for the silence
to come back
Aug 24, 2018
Aug 24, 2018 at 8:47 AM UTC
music and
poems and
words.
i often find my
will to live
ebbing in and out
of existence and
i try
to keep it alive but
sometimes
i need a little help
i find
the things
that save my life
in
music and
poems and
her.
Aug 24, 2018
Aug 24, 2018 at 8:07 AM UTC
i was
something they
forgot to label
"fragile"
now i'm stuck
and you
know
too
much.
i’ll slip away
into the sound
and i find myself
but
you’ve already found me
broken
cracked open
because i was
something they forgot to label
“fragile”
Aug 23, 2018
Aug 23, 2018 at 10:43 AM UTC
no more
of these
sad kids.
no more
of these
sad kids.
no more
of the
kids who lie
and have to
say they are
depressed
just to
fit in.
no more
of this
fad
of phony depression.
Aug 23, 2018
Aug 23, 2018 at 10:30 AM UTC
I want this be heard
It’s so much more than just a word
Or punctuation,
It’s a clarification.
For people who lost hope,
Were searching for rope.
People whose best friends
Were blades that could have been the end.
Searching for purpose starts
With a beating heart,
And for every heartbeat through the pain,
That’s a heartbeat that you gain.
Stay alive, it’s worth it, I promise.
Stay alive for me.
Stay alive for yourself.
Just stay alive.
;
Aug 20, 2018
Aug 20, 2018 at 12:51 PM UTC