wil-wynn
Ecuadorean
conceived engendered delivered born nurtured taught disciplined helped educated not much grown zig zag life's labyrinth here there everywhere ECU/USA bipartite schizoid soul not here not there neither here nor there wavering wondering wandering alive and well still confused what-am-I don't know!
i'm not from here
but sometimes I was
i can say that i loved her
and perhaps she loved me
but i was not the who
I thought i was
and
apparently
neither was she
i'm not from here
but my roots
call my name
from here
from sidewalks
buildings
routinely life
performs its concerts here
where i'm not from
although sometimes i was
there is a certain here in this here
that I'm not from
where i was a self i did not know i was not
and she was someone i did not know myself
who has not taken advil for those awful headaches
in this here that i'm not from
but sometimes i was
i decline to believe i cannot be from here tomorrow
if i once was but was not
why can't i tomorrow just be
from here because sometimes i was
I'm not from here, I know, yet
it looms so near
and she
well
she is not from here either
although she sometimes was
i thought i loved her
and perhaps she loved me
but neither she not I
were from this profound here
that sings dances and laughs
i'm not from here
although sometimes
i was
i can say that i loved her
and perhaps
she did love me
but i'm really not from here
although sometimes i was
Dec 1, 2010
Dec 1, 2010 at 4:58 PM UTC
I.
in his dreams he saw her
in his dreams he wove a tapestry of hope
a phantasmagoria of love's plenitude
but that was only in his dreams
II.
when Fall came
he figured
a deciduous alternative
to pining for the impossible
and succumbed slightly
to the mad sensation
of his fervent passion
instead of leaves
he shed
tears
III.
one day
sunlight streamed down
and he found himself bathed
in warmth
suddenly alive with energy
suddenly vital
suddenly
at long last
himself.
IV.
yes it was penumbra
outside just outside
but within his citadel
his castle a light shone
pure
impervious
elegant
such light as arrives after
a great storm
he thought
the storm had lasted
sixty years
or more
V.
it was hard to define
infinity as a daily companion
but there it was again
sitting on the sofa
staring him down
from its perspective of ever
he had
he thought
to change
into something else
something else
something else
again
a circle mudra
no beginning
no end
infinity at his
fingertips
VI.
in his dream
he was at the shore
of the Prospect Park Lake
dogs were loose and running on the shore
suddenly the dogs began to run into the thin ice of the lake
crash through
start swimming
he saw a couple of german shepherds
three golden doodles
one of whom was his new dog Lola
he watched them swim out
then begin to return by diving
and reappearing closer and closer to the shore
he kept on looking for Lola
but he did not see her
increasingly agitated he asked
where is my dog
repeatedly
then he was in an ambulance
because he had had a stroke
as the ambulance backed up
he saw a golden doodle on his or her back
surely dead
he asked the driver
is that my dog
and the driver did not answer
infinity again appeared
unassuming
and near
VII
in-fin-ity
he pronounced
savory syllables
in inside or of
belonging to
fin end terminus
limit
ity in-the-year
quality of
right-nowness
images without
concrete impact
because after all,
he could only hope
to understand
a vestige
as it appeared
between
the moments when
he looked at his watch
VIII.
his most concrete recall
of infinity manifested
here and now
was:
his older son (at four years old)
had just heard a description of the cosmos
astronomy being one of his (father) interests
as he (father) looked at the sky
in moments of wonder in his (father) life
and what may or not come after
so when it was time for him (son)
to be taken to school in the old VW bug
he (son) sat with a distant look in his(son) eyes
while he (father) tried to start the engine
and suddenly he(son) burst
out crying and he(father) concerned
startled said what's the matter
and he(son) said whimpering
despairing at the immensity of it all
infinity!
IX
he was four years old
on a trip with his father
they stopped at a hill
near railroad tracks
a train came by
the engineer waved
he said "he waved at me"
his father said "no, he waved at me"
then started to climb the hill
he followed
they came to what he thought
was the summit
and he asked when does it end
his father said
this climb is infinite
so they both turned back
you can't start on infinity too soon.
X.
he found a map
city of ny 1930
complete with subways
ferries and the like
he stared at it
for a long time
checking out
so many familiar names
so many half remembered sites
suddenly come alive
from so many years ago
and realized
it could have been yesterday
and maybe it was.
XI.
standing at the very top of Vargas Street
in Quito, he yelled her name,
called her as one calls for a miracle
true to form
nothing happened
except
the street
and his life
spread out before him
and he knew not why
XII
he dreamed three signs:
life
death
infinity
and they were all one and the same
XIII
in the airplane
flying high above
destitute crowds
teeming multitudes
lost continents of grief
he thought he glimpsed
a truth so vast
it stunned him
as he sat
watching
fluffy clouds
reach out
then it was time to land
and he forgot about it.
XIV.
infinity,
companion supreme
and inexpressible
fount
foundation
and relief
of all we are
within thy
subtle
concatenations
(subsuming all
in patient minutes
that escape uncounted)
gather this thy humble
servant
in your mantle of hours
and grant
by thy unknowable presence
that I too
your meaning
(extant
in a universe so vast
only the most minimalist structures
understand)
be revealed
ah, this coffee tastes great!
Thanks!
Nov 16, 2010
Nov 16, 2010 at 1:57 PM UTC
and when at last I rest
I will
forever hold
the mystery of your life and love
close to my heart of hearts
at one with the universe
and as I think of all the things
I failed you with
in so many ways remiss
yet forgiven
the bulwark of that state of bliss
will be to know I loved you well
not perfectly
but well enough to be
the deepest satisfaction
of my life
If such repose is
as they say, eternal
then eternally i will love you well
and when time itself collapses
and the universe, in a reverse big bang
coalesces back into its birth
my matter will rejoice because indeed
the new physics does predict
parallel infinite worlds
that side by side
coexist
lucky me, reborn in an infinity of ways
to infinitely love you once again.
Jul 12, 2010
Jul 12, 2010 at 11:16 AM UTC
1. No One Knew His Name
when the woman called nine eleven she said
there is a guy sitting on the stoop
he's dead..
the nine eleven woman, martha, said
how do you know he
s dead we get plenty of calls like tha
t
she said, the woman, said
he
s got flies in his eyes
martha said we are gonna
be right there!
2.two condoms and a crucifix
when the coroner people cam
e he was still sitting on the stoop
still dead his breath no longer
straining the winter air
then they took pix and measured things
rigor mortis already had set in
and when they took th e pix
they showed two condoms and a crucifix
falling out of his pocket into the light of day
the woman who found him so still
she said it is strange
to see such disparate things spilling out of his pocket
he
was still dead and i believe he
s kept his state of being stubborn as he is/was
he remains forevermore stilled
we talked about those three things
two concepts really
two condoms and a crucifix
and we could not figure out which
he loved the most
because we never heard him speak of
anything but god crack *** amphetamine
trinity cooh, ya know?
3. Discovery Indeed
he came from wolf lake mn
population 31
when he left it went down to 25
ten thousand lakes
he could not imagine living there
anymore
but did he know at the end of the trail
what was he looking for?
two condoms and a xfix
my god he said
although he did not ever believe in such
extravagance
just before he went to sleep
perhaps to be still forever more
my god he said
as the soporific hit blessed
whatever was left of his short life
my god he said
although he was agnostic or so he said
my god
he could not have believed had he not heard them words
himself
as he grabbed the condoms and kissed the xfix
or maybe it was the other way around.
4. No ****
sitting on his ***** chair
he put his hands between his legs
reached for the ****
and squeezed:
yellowish stuff strained out between his fingers.
his grandma slapped him, hard
5. Things Looking Up
he lay down on the floor
to look up the neighbor's dress
he saw a pair of legs descend
from pink *******
then his grandma picked him up
slapped him, hard.
6. Harbinger
winter flew in harsh in minnesota,
battered houses, pine trees,
the wide landscape into submission
let the wind run whistling, whipping
subservient snow, whitewhirlwinding
down desolate fields and lanes
one day it got so cold
spit froze before it hit the ground
it made a little noise midair
7. Cold Dogs
one time he saw some fifteen dead dogs
piled by the side of a road
frozen like the rest of the landscape
even as an adult he wondered
what THAT had been about
8. *** Is Child's Play
in the first grade he fell in love with miss renee
the teacher who let him put his head down on her legs
and petted his head while he glowed glowed glowed
he learned to love school and read read read
so ms renee would say Joe, read!
and he would
one time he dreamed he had *** with miss renee
*** was tying something between her legs
a knot of love in her ******
so how did he know about such things
at five? he always wondered about that.
9. Revelation
his fishing pole was gone!
he looked and looked while spring time
raised giant mosquitos that buzzed and buzzed
about his head
he never found his fishing pole
he thought that maybe when you die
and go to heaven
god showed you in a sort of movie
what had happened so you'd nod yer head and say
yeh, i'd never would have guessed grandma
gave it away.
10. Alone At Last
say to the darkness this
emptiness covers all this
suffusing light scrapes away
some pain some excruciating i am
lucid preamble to my nevermores
in plural congruent universes
coexisting rapt in its own
say this is a dream a vertigo
a swirling metaphor for then/now/and again
can days still mean something new
today everyone left
everyone left
staring out the window at six years old
he saw woods slowly fade into the night
he thought they sank
into an oblivious fog
why didn't i go to the neighbors' house
11. Death Becomes The Fisherman
the lakes were all around
they said let's go see the drowned man
so they went to the shore
a boat with two men rowing
approached
you could see a hand and an arm sticking out
from somebody lying on the floor
someone said "hey, he
s waving"
close to the shore
the wind brought the overpowering
stink of death
that shocked him because he'
d not thought of "drowned" as "dead"
they brought the body out
to the shore
covered it waiting for the coroner to show up
mother and sister cried nearby
neither could approach the stinking corpse
he then realized that no matter what
you can't kiss a rotting corpse.
12. Rubber Match
the first time he met a ******
there was no formal intro
he just found it in his father'
s drawer
filled it with water
dumped it on the neighbor
s'
yard
later on he could hear them fight
13.Prurient Discovery
when he was 13 he made love to her
who was 16
and all he could think about
was how gross it was and wet
until he came
then his opinion suddenly
changed
for the
better
14. Death Is
his grandmother was sick
in the MN winter cold home
she coughed and coughed
so she
put kerosene on her back
and chest
he saw she got blisters
he did not want to help
clean them up
so he hid
until she was quiet for a couple of days
he went to see her she was dead
so he stayed drunk for a week or so
until he could not stand the stink no more
15. The Beginning of the End
he went to a foster home
there were 5 other teenagers there
the first night
he went to bed
someone put a pillow on his head
while hands turned him over
held him down
pulled his pjs down
5 guys ***** him then and there
the next day he ran away
16. The End of the Beginning
they brought him back 23 times
on the 24 he met one of the kids
by the lake
stuck a knife under the guys
ribcage on the right side
all the guy did was sigh
and slide slowly down
he pushed the guy into the water
somehow it took weeks to find the body
by then nobody could tell he'd been stabbed
but none of the kids ever held him down
again
17. COOH
alcohol alcohol
its sweet old name tells me all
i need to know how spinning
the world distances itself
in a warm blood red haze
and only a swollen torpor remains
alcohol alcohol
its sweet old name tells me all
i need to know
and not to know
18. Not Late, Just Timely
time 'sss a stone a sash a thunderbolt up high
a rudder a list a lisp a restless meandering
time 'sss a spire a fish still below the waves
a constraint a push a shove a deal a nothing
time 'ssss a look a lock a rail
a sunrise a fall a crack a vial
time 'sss a sock a pen a handgun
a radiant breeze a solid solid hand
two elbows and one mouth
he took his time and time took him
step by step he climbed the stairs of his cognizance
such as it was just this
no hope
i say no hope but no despair either
the world sometimes it's just the way it is
he understood that but what to make
of this breathing hearing seeing tasting feeling smelling
thinking self
he knew not
and in not knowing
he passed the time that isss not
what you think it isss
time 'sss not even a ticking tocking clock
just let it be he said to himself
time 'sss not me
yet time isss me
and he took another ****
19. Luger
his father came back to town one day
the war had been over for a few years then
they told him where he could find his father and he went
and watched his father, dressed in combat rags,
as he counted the fingers of his shooting hand
they exchanged glances and he left
got drunk and did not hear or see his father ever again.
20. Life As A Long One Night Stand
the girls are many the girls are new
every day they seems to look at you
and you melt and then you are gone
in another trip with another stranger
in your bed do not say much
cause *** is just another drug
just cheaper and easier to get
than smack
21. Epitaph
he learned a song and a little dance
at the emergency rooms where he got
the prescription pain killers man he could
lie and act and pretend so much
he knew they'
d really have to give him stuff
cause that'
s the way that things work
in big city hospitals
he re-membered a doc who smiled at him
saying man you'll be dead soon
although you think you are fooling me
the only fool in this room is you
he laughed cause he could not agree more
put that in my tombstone he said
the doc said no, you are gonna do it all by yourself
22. Lost Weekend
-.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.-
-.- -.- -.- -.-
-.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.- -.-
-.- -.- -.- -.-
23. Dashes and Spaces
---- -- -- - - --- --
-- - -- -- -- - - -- - -- -- -
--- - - - - - -- - -- - - - --- - -
-- - - -- -- -- -- ---- - - --
24. Two Condoms
at the end of the road
the road the empty road
the sinuous complex road
the road the heavy road
where lust and love entwine
who knows the end or the beginning
who knows alpha or omega
who the what who the where who even
the hidden sentient how
the nothingness the emptiness
of come and come and come
just emptiness of not becoming
he heard himself saying screaming
at the end of something like a bumpy ride
she was who knows who but she was
you know the hole the whole the mankind whole
the all embracing whole the whole hole
the destination origin
the one and all
he said here i belong elementary
i exist because of this
he pounded pounded in his anguish
of becoming one and whole
he howled his grief intermittent
as pulse wave of heart
the heat of his despair
the only drug that it's living protein
he felt his way
and then was gone from virile crisis
to distant remote self acquiring its orthodoxy of despair
because as he put it once you cannot ever **** yourself
square the circle as it were
so he accepted two trojans
at the bar when a guy in the adjacent ****** said
these are the best and yes
we gotta protect ourselves
and left the couple of rubbers
by the sink
and he would have washed his hands
had he known how
but instead put them products in his pocket
a premonition of some kind of future bliss
tugging the sleeve of his presentiment
carving already a vast innocent tomorrow
while he walked out
he truly did not care
25. Crucifix
at the end of the road the empty road, the road full of lies, deceit and a hunger so great it overwhelmed all else, at the end, the terminus, the appointed hour, at the end of the alpha, the omega, the in-between, the road sinuous road that led down the miriad steps to the steps on a stoop in the city of new york, at the end of a long concatenation of minutes, each ethereal, insubstantial, a construct, a vapid dream or nightmare indeed he sat down one last time with his burden of hours to dream one last warm oblivious cozy, embracing shroud, sweet balm to assuage the freezing claws of grief. in the seedy bar last
night he met a blonde who said, your eyes remind me of a long ago boyfriend, he said well, he musta been one hell of a guy, she said indeed, he died in iraq, suicide, holy **** he said that is not right, she said we are all at war, daily intimate war, i think, who said we met the enemy and it's us? he did not know but understood, he said although denial is more than a river in egypt, ha ha, but they both got it since they both craved the same intoxication, the same zig-zag and feint, she said the first time i got drunk i was eleven, that was my first time for *** too, he said the first time i got drunk i too was eleven, the night had fallen i was alone in wisconsin among the wolves of winter howling their relentless wind outside, i found a bottle of the hard stuff, not beer like everybody drank i could not stand the taste it was too bitter, but gin, and i drank it convulsed at first by the shock, then not, just drinking a few more gulps and believed i had found the greatest gift on earth, the greatest warmest kindest confidant, she said you talk funny, but i understand what you are talking about, i know the allure but my hangovers, wow, he said no, i never got one, but. here is the but. i knew a limit, i was never blind blind drunk until much later in new york, she said we each have our cross to bear and laughed and dontcha just wanna do a line now ha ha, and it went on like that for quite a while. when she was leaving she said, you wanna see something funny, yeah he said, she brought out a crucifix and it was indeed jesus, his mouth open, imploring relief from his harsh dad, and he had a gold tooth, blue eyes and dreads, he laughed and said that's quite contemporary and she said wha? you don't think he looked like that? but really who knows what the truth was, he said or is, so they both lifted one in memory of the dear departed one who had caused so much trouble here on earth, but, she said, he did not mean it, here keep it and he did. later on he found his fix it was extra good **** too good in fact, and who knows, when he sat there with flies in his eyes, his life a dream, invention, make believe, whether any of the episodes were true at all, sob stories to assuage the beast of craving within, get his hand in your pocket and whether, as he sank below the surface of his tortured bliss, he saw his true light at long last.
Apr 24, 2010
Apr 24, 2010 at 7:41 PM UTC
this old year in its last hours
checks its tie
its coat tails
its long trousers
spats
its insalubrious look
gets ready for one last stand
at the times square of our minds
sick in singapore she wrote
i rather be caned that live one more day
and i concurred i rather she'd be caned
than i
here in ohio i hear some winter birds
i swear and i attest
their forlorn cries carry far
and sometimes i believe i see their shapes
remotely flitting far
their cries carry far
here in ohio
where the winter snow came and went in two whole days
its surprising whereabouts both seen and felt
now we are back to flimsy silver lace affixed on
windows
infirm in beijing she said
they all spit!
i took that as a sign she was getting well
here in the post soltice winter there is hope
for longer days ahoy
the maritime soul departs in yet another lost boat
inexplicably tied to the date
sick in mazatlan she said the water makes me puke
i heard later she bought a boat to sail from the west coast
down to the panama canal then up the east coast to new yor
k
that was her plan
but no she gave it up after she bought the boat
she realized she would have to fill it with ***** and nothing
else
choice give up the ship or sink under the influence
i hear the "Rosa Linda" i still tied in long beach pier
I mourn such passing as the days
disclose and hide in a foggy patina of misremembrance
see this was her coat her gloves
the angle of her visor gave us more of her
than i can just now tell i cant even remember the color
of her eyes
and yet firmly believe that we once met
as i get ready to welcome a new year
back to the chalk line
on your marks
ready
set
go to my habitual everyday
here in ohio some winter birds
pester the air with their calls
perhaps they know something about time
I don't know
anyway, let's go meet another minute hour or day
sick in
ohio i say
Jan 24, 2010
Jan 24, 2010 at 3:19 PM UTC
check it out check it out
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
it's da state of this here disunion
this here bangalore torpedo seeks yer minefields
this here suffering hero
n
crows about strafes
multitudes peripherally
****** blind prophets
exclaim
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
it's nothing but beginning
of beginning & z end of approximation
time's sweet angry subluxation
universal caving in on U & U
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
when was z last time U really loved
i mean really really really loved
ha i could only hold to z imagination
z skeleton z allegory z myth
'cause everything slides & falls
screams careens outta control
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
she brought in rrrrevolution.evolution.now
is z caustic effervescence of her wit
eroding my sandy castle of deceit?
ha and repeat ha
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
forgive-me-notes are written high
on z forehead of my despair
a cursive flowing interdiction
malediction cruxifiction err-u-diction
en-passant
in each pyrotechnic moment when we don't see I-to-I
on anything relevant to what we once hoped was us
but we continue dance dance dance
perseveration aberration indiscretion cha-cha-cha
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
she said *** is z engine of z world
like engine like world like ***
like like like
could say no more
oh it's tiresome to go on
describing that chimeric uniting
flesh-to-flesh-in-flesh eliding
we all are guilty of
do not end a line with a preposition such as
that or a proposition such as this:
given angle a prove that old triangle theorem
two simultaneous loves don't make a right
cherchez les angles les anglais la bon mot
ya know
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
when i die please bury me upside down
prone to z ground making dead love to earth ya kno
while the centuries lie down next to me
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
chic chicky boom chicky boom chic chic
chic!
chic!
Jan 24, 2010
Jan 24, 2010 at 3:14 PM UTC
the Beginning
is the End
and versa-vice
and the End of the Beginning
is no other
than the Beginning of the End
blank night
engenders full day
dream is reality
can't you see
how everything
is nothing but its reverse
inside out?
within, we exist
tightly bound
by our intellect
somewhere in there
the drive to be
(and its reverse,
to not-to-be)
simultaneously
await our consciousness.
Outside my door
my dog whimpers
in its dreams
chasing whatever
archetypal ball
exists for him
and doesn't,
of course
As for me,
I will now wake up
and go to sleep
Jan 24, 2010
Jan 24, 2010 at 2:58 PM UTC