i wrote you a letter last night
i was DRUNK
as i usually am at... 2a.m. these days.
i don’t regret
empty bottles that were full
when i had u self-medication is
self-preservation
no chaser, no chaser.
click, sip, swallow
click, sip, swallow
click, chug, sip, chug, addiction kills identity
→ whoamiwithoutyou;←
SWALLOW. so then i wrote you
a letter…. last night…?
was it last night?
no chaser, no chaser.
click chug swallow.
chug swallow chug swallow. i’m filled with POISON
and i am drunk
like i usually am at
10a.m these days.
demonic awareness,
claws at my back
i see it all so clearly
and you… YOU
you, you’re a match
you’re the ******* match and my love lit you up and you burned me straight to the ground and i. sip chug sip chug swallow chug no chaser just the burnt taste of dad’s $100 bottle of mezcal and i sip, chug chug can’t believe we’re dead.
BLACKOUT.
wake up
pencil scratches; liquid diet.
love, victoria.
Sep 4, 2020
Sep 4, 2020 at 11:31 PM UTC
You speak in bullets
You distill liquor from love
and yet I'm lost in you
You are my poisoned apple
You are glass flooring below me
because it's more tormenting when you
can see what lies beneath.
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 9:35 PM UTC
After last year, I've conditioned myself to crave the comforting embrace of the bottle whenever I find myself in a state of emotional dissonance. And here I find myself, praying for the sting of liquor to somehow find its way to me, and force its toxicity down my throat. And it's 3:17pm on a Wednesday.
For some reason, the normality of this craving never ceases to surprise me.
Self medication.... self preservation.
To me, they are one in the same.
Without the slippery release of the devil's liquid, I'm afraid to consider who or what I would have become by now.
And it's so psychologically draining,
because ever since last year, I've never felt more weak, more imprisoned, more dazed, in my life.
My dependence makes me weak,
My weakness imprisons me,
My imprisonment dazes me,
And in my laziness,
All I know to do is drink.
I've conditioned myself to drink my dissonance away.
It hasn't worked yet,
but I'm not sure I'll ever stop trying.
Apr 4, 2018
Apr 4, 2018 at 5:33 PM UTC
Lately
We don't know how to love
without a war
We are most passionate
on the battlefield
We speak in bullets
and every argument
becomes an explosion
I walk in a barren field
passing soldiers of our past
laying
burning
dying
I watch the corpses of my happiness
turn to ash
I watch us destroy the "we"
we worked so **** hard
to create.
Jan 28, 2018
Jan 28, 2018 at 12:25 PM UTC
I find I live
in constant confusion
in the absence
of your presence
My world lies on the edge of a cliff,
each fight tipping it over,
each action of love weaving a net to catch it in
Each step I take
is dizzying
each word I speak
is heavily coated
with a depressive subtext
My world lies on the edge of a cliff,
and I continuously count on you
to pull me to safety.
I wish you were stronger....
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 2:14 PM UTC
I thought home was a construction
A state of mind
That could be built anywhere.
Anywhere that had a bed
and a sense of belonging.
I thought that'd be enough.
3 months later
3,000 miles away
I realized
Home isn't something that can be created
Home is something you have to find
Something you have to feel.
I feel most at home
with your touch.
Nov 29, 2017
Nov 29, 2017 at 4:15 PM UTC
I collect memories
Distill them to the letter
And barrel them for aging
Only to later get drunk
Off last life's nostalgia...
My family;
The sweet taste of white wine
I swirl their image around my head
And sip on it every now and then
My friends;
Shots of fireball
Shockingly spicy, yet sickeningly sweet
The liquid trickles down my throat.
Cuddly warmth
My love;
White girl wasted off your rosé
The color reminiscent of the flush of my cheeks,
As bubbly as my disposition
A mix of two "goods" that make a "great".
I can't wait to taste you again
Sep 21, 2017
Sep 21, 2017 at 3:14 PM UTC
I wish I could trust you
When you say you love me
I wish I could trust you
When you say nothing will change
But we look to history for a reason.
Because it's constantly repeating.
I'm going to get hurt again.
I just know it.
So I want to trust that you love me
But I'm sure you'll "love" someone else just as much
And I want to trust that nothing will change
But ****** it already has.
Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017 at 12:23 AM UTC
I don't think you're what I want
Your love lights a fire in me
So deeply I can feel it burning inside my heart
I love you so much it feels like a forest fire
When we are apart
(There's smoke clouding my thoughts now)
The strength of your hug
Lifts me out of my deep miserable dysfunction
In its absence,
I'm perpetually falling
(I can't find stable footing)
The way you look at me
And caress my cheek....
Like I'm the only one that matters
Now, your touch 2,000 miles away,
The only thing to graze my cheek a single tear
(I know you'll find someone better)
It's only been four days,
Yet I feel as though so much has changed
I don't want to get hurt again
It might as well just end.
And I'm not positive
But I don't think you're what I want
Anymore
Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017 at 12:19 AM UTC
Happy
Accomplished
Loved
Then heartbroken
Alone
Collapsing into myself
Then Rebirth
A recognition of who I used to be
A new beginning
Then reunited
Afire with love
Happiest
Only to be torn apart
By another three months
What will change now?
Aug 21, 2017
Aug 21, 2017 at 1:48 PM UTC