I remember thinking that you were so different from what I had imagined a man like you would be
I pictured a man who would tell me that I was lovely
Or smart
Or beautiful
Or anything at all
I thought that you would want to make me feel something more than wanting
I thought that you would want to make me feel anything at all
I felt that I needed to constantly give you
A space to crash into
To fall apart
To feel safe
To be yourself
For you to think that I was worth anything at all
You were cold to me most days
Warm when you wanted something, but otherwise
It felt as though there was a wall between us
I felt like you were always just about to say something
Then decided against it at the last minute
Like I wasn’t worth the thought
But I found that it was even just your silence that I craved
And I craved most what you couldn’t give to me
Fully and honestly
I wanted you to want to know me
Or even just to pretend to want to know me
And you never did – want to know me
Mar 10, 2016
Mar 10, 2016 at 11:40 AM UTC
For a long time after, I hated you
I avoided saying your name or thinking about you
I pretended that what had happened wasn’t real
Or that my feelings were just blown out of proportion
Or that I didn’t exist
And then
One night
I reached
Across
My bed
For you
And you weren’t there
And I only hated that you weren’t there
I cried because I didn’t want to want you there
And I don’t want to need you
But every day I’m struggling to keep you out of mind
And I try so hard to keep on hating you
But I don’t, I don’t have the energy to hate you
Instead, now, I miss you
And instead, I hate myself for missing you
Mar 4, 2016
Mar 4, 2016 at 10:35 AM UTC
A man walked across the floor and stopped at the bar, pausing briefly to adjust his suit before speaking. It was hard to make out what he was saying over the loud music, but whatever he had said, it looked to have pleased the bartender. With her shoulders squared towards his frame, she flashed him her best smile. He leaned in closer and smiled back.
She began fixing a drink that looked rather complicated, but somehow it attested to his sophistication rather than his arrogance. The bartender finished the drink off with a maraschino cherry, which he promptly took between his lips, leaving only the stem out. He had a puzzled look on his face, as though he was trying to place the woman. He mumbled something else, and she laughed nervously in response.
At this, she exited the backside of the bar and walked towards him. He met her with his hand outstretched, and the two began to dance. They stood out from the other dancers at the bar because he was leading her in a traditional style of dance. She looked absolutely giddy.
Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 10:39 AM UTC
The body was quickly covered by a black sheet, but Tommy had still seen it, and the image seemed to stick to his eyes like a melted Popsicle. He did not feel sad, or angry, or even curious – Tommy felt nothing at all except wonder at the fact that you could exist one moment, and not the next.
“Hey there,” said the tall man in blue. He wore a badge on his shirt that said ‘police’.
“Hi,” said Tommy, nervously looking up at the man. He felt as though he should not have been looking at the body, as though it were forbidden.
“What’s your name, son?”
“My name is Tommy and I live down the street,” he said, the words spilling out of his mouth. He felt that he needed to explain himself. “I was just riding my bike when...”
“Did you see what was under that tarp?” the man asked, pointing at the blanket. The body had since disappeared, but Tommy knew that the body had just been taken away so others wouldn’t see. Tommy didn’t respond, but the officer nodded.
“Do you want to see something cool?” said the policeman, and Tommy nodded once more.
The policeman walked over to his car and dipped inside, ducking his head under the ledge of the door frame. He looked at Tommy and smiled, clicked a few buttons, and then suddenly there were bright colours, not unlike the colours Tommy had seen at carnivals.
Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 10:37 AM UTC
Say my name --
breath it like it is your last shallow, hollow breath --
rattling on your tongue like a snake --
Lost but still found, beautiful --
without plans but with purpose --
Treat it like the water you found in the desert --
like the sustenance you found when you were famished --
Treat me like you would die without me
Oct 22, 2015
Oct 22, 2015 at 3:54 PM UTC
The message on the TV screen tries vainly to be heard but our melting minds see nothing but snow. Would we know meaning if it hit us squarely?
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 6:07 PM UTC
Forgotten wine glasses lay
Scattered on expensive furniture
The candle light flickers across his
Evergreen face. His hand travels across
The plains of her scratched skin worn
Deep with years of regret and return
Of faded memories. But, his face transforms
Into another, his tongue translates
And tastes like age and experience.
Stronger now, these hands cup
Her, like a glass filling. Still, these hands convert
To the soft touch of a woman, caressing, but
Still callous. Each hand holds another,
Each hand held. Faces melt into
Looks of desire, and the bodies
Soften into one. Four bodies, one form
Separate lives, all worn
We became one.
Feb 23, 2015
Feb 23, 2015 at 1:01 AM UTC
Nostalgia ate at my stomach like poison where it had already been tied into knots
I sat bare on my stripped floor; I nakedly stared into your eyes without inhibitions
And I insist on remembering you like that. I insist that I once knew you and that you
Once knew me and you knew that I needed you to go because I would never leave
And I refuse to believe that you did this because you did not love me.
You loved me in the way that you love your favourite book that is written in another tongue
You knew me but you couldn’t pretend to read my slurred words anymore.
I had transformed from the characters of your language to mine and its okay that you
Had to put me back on the shelf to let somebody else read the words you couldn’t.
I know that you still love my story, but my cracked spine won’t rest in your hands anymore
And I accept that. You knew it was time to let me go. I accept that.
Feb 23, 2015
Feb 23, 2015 at 12:47 AM UTC
And so, just as we had begun, we decline again into nothingness among the stars. We had come from the dust travelling at unfathomable speeds into the abyss untraveled by people we cant quite seem to grasp anymore. We only truly see ourselves and how we fit into our lives, not how our lives fit into the world outside of us. When we dissolve, we become the stuff of thoughts outside of our capacity. We cannot fathom the unknown because for us, it simply does not exist.
Sep 15, 2014
Sep 15, 2014 at 12:56 AM UTC
Do you cross my mind? Yes. Of course you do, but I have been far too focused on that fact. I have been trying too earnestly to push your small words, hints, and phrases into a different part of me that has faded in my rear view mirror when I should have focused on this fact instead: You no longer reside here. I don't let you live in my mind, or in the spaces I call home anymore. I haven't for a while now.
I can tell you that I miss you. I can tell you that I loved you. But I know in my heart that the only part of you that will stay with me now is the piece of you that walks with me down that dark path in my tail lights that are too quickly fading. We were fleeting perfection, this truth is indisputable.
But you don't get the privilege to call my head or heart home anymore. You gave that up when you decided that home was curled under her tongue, and god does that hurt to think about. You ran away from home, and I changed the locks.
You cross my mind frequently, frequently enough for me to write this, but never frequently enough to stay. You no longer have a place in my future. I thought I couldn't accept this fact, but it is better this way. For one can only conclude that love is not allowing a person to fill your walls with their company. Love is allowing someone to open the window, to fix the front door that hasn't opened for some time now. Love is building a home together.
So, you may visit whenever you like, God knows I have no control over that. But you are no longer allowed to consume more of my time, thoughts or energy than is necessary. I know that you simply aren't able to contribute to this home anymore - that's okay. I won't blame you for it. May you one day find shelter where I could not provide it.
Sep 15, 2014
Sep 15, 2014 at 12:37 AM UTC