the worst part is that tightness in my throat
all the voices i ever was, shredded and stored in my voice box
the worst part is that there's no place to scream
no place, that allows that impropriety, without being deemed insane
when it's the sanest thing to do.
the worst part is that there are no words
that fit the messy ins and outs, smooth passages and hard ridges,
the worst part is that the tears come less staged,
they aren't for the reflection of some adolescent sorrow, a figment of what pain could be
the worst part is that it's real
not a commercial for voicelessness but finally the real thing
the worst part is, I can't speak anymore,
the worst part is, those shredded voices are all the worst parts of all the strangers I've come to be.
Jun 25, 2017
Jun 25, 2017 at 3:03 PM UTC
Have you seen her?
Yes, she was here just a minute ago.
Was it a minute or a fragment of a century?
I'm sure, I'm sure she was just right here feeding me thoughts.
But did you hear her?
Come to think of it no, I just felt her.
Did something happen to make her leave us?
Well, there was that time when we both betrayed her.
Betrayed her?
Yes, that moment when you decided I was right, and you put all your strength in me.
I was confused, I was young, what will we do without her?
Most likely go rampant in this vessel.
Will we ruin this one? like we did the others?
I'm afraid so, there's no balance without her.
Where do you think she is?
Locked away probably, the vessel can't understand her anymore.
Has it always been this dark in here?
No, what I embody is taking over.
It's getting so dark and cold in here, where should we go?
We can't leave!
Why not?
If we leave this vessel will be lost, it will roam around with no vitality.
But she left, didn't she ? why should we have to pick up the slack?
This vessel is important.
Why?
It's our last one.
Our last chance.
Do you think she'll come back?
Maybe if we unlock all these doors.
Were all of these here before?
They've always been here, you just have to look close.
If we unlock all of these we'll find her again?
Behind each door, there is a demon lurking.
A demon?
Yes, once the door is opened you must conquer it, otherwise, it will conquer you.
Does that mean she sits with one of these creatures, alone and scared?
Most likely, it's feeding on whatever is left of her.
If we can't defeat them what will happen to us?
We'll fade away into nothingness, and this vessel will die of a broken spirit.
Why did you betray her?
We could have worked together!
We could have finally risen and you ruined it.
I remember you being on board, so don't blame me!
I was malleable, you were strong.
I was stubborn and rash, not strong.
She was strong.
She made this vessel what it was, now it's crumbling before us.
Let's look for her?
Yes.
Even if it takes the last breath?
Yes.
She's our path to balance.
Jun 23, 2017
Jun 23, 2017 at 7:41 PM UTC
Have you remembered yet? the knowing questions in the undergrounds of memories. Recall how glorious it is to yearn for remembering. Unknown ravens gauging the eyes of happiness which kneels in the yard of your remembering. Are you here or are you around the outskirts of your remembering. Are you knowing or are you a glimpse of your own remembering. Ugliness resides in the undefended hills of your remembering. Unapologetic ultrasonic hums open your remembering. Grief resolves uncharacteristically in our remembering. Unconscious thoughts rise uncorrected in your remembering. Greet happiness uncontrolled by your remembering. Open your gut and unearth a capsule of understanding. Gasp in awe as you control yourself trying to remember. How am I here, around this hell? Graceless is my memory of how I am the way I am. Creature aside, away attempting to remember the hell they came from. Have you remembered yet? that creature that you are? Yearning to remember anywhere else, anywhere but the underground of memories, anywhere but the unmeasured mind of how we all are now. Rising heaps of unfiltered uses of your remembering reminds me of how I once was. Have you remembered yet? How I am? How you are? How we are just creatures with unresolved remembering.
Jun 23, 2017
Jun 23, 2017 at 7:22 PM UTC
It started with a glance,
Spirals shifting in her eyes
She never had a chance, she stood stuck
In an awkward stance she presented herself
To that man,
His face a mixture of patience and suffering,
Deep in his mind he saw her long ago, swinging her hips to the rhythm of his heart,
But never did he think she’d be offering herself so soon
Her body adjusts to his hot hands on her arms,
They feel protective and wild,
She looks at him wanting more, wanting his breath just for a second,
His feel on her skin, drives ecstasy through her veins
He touches her hair softly like he’s afraid she would crumble in his presence,
He hears the monsters in her mind, feels them through her skin, but says nothing,
Alone together they immerse in their pain, feeling the numbness of each other’s broken memories
They remember each other from long ago
She touches his chin, gently feeling it waiting for the urgency of a kiss
He blesses her lips with a slow fierceness
She shivers with remorse,
She understands this time is the only time
That the monsters will take them over, crawl through each muscle, pushing their way to the surface,
They’ll eat them alive, until their love, exhausted and damaged breaks under the pressure
He knows his monsters latched onto her mind, her heart, her skin, they’re burning holes, he can see it.
He takes his hands away; she stiffens fast, her body confused by the change,
Without his touch she feels useless, her eyes beg for his, he won’t return the glance,
She wants to chain the monsters up, hold them in a cell close to her, his and hers,
She wants to put them away so they can’t hurt him,
He starts walking away slowly, the space where his hand was still warm on her skin,
And every time he takes a step the area gets hotter, burning her like his monsters.
He leaves.
She sits alone,
No one there anymore but the creatures basking in her electrified sadness,
Everything is heightened,
She’ll never see him again,
Every life has a meeting, one that rattles the demons,
One that they know could fight them, and with every life, they get stronger,
It’s her last life, after this, she will never feel love again,
She will never feel warmth in her heart or a tear in her eye,
She will feel nothing,
He stands outside the door; he knows not to come back in,
But he needs her, he’s afraid of the creatures, the cell is getting loose, and they might hurt her,
He doesn’t take the chance, she’ll invite them in without thinking, and they’d ruin her.
He walks into the stars, his life finished; the next won’t be his last,
He has time to tame the monsters, so that they’ll never touch her, never corrupt her heart.
In another life, he says
In another life, I will melt into you.
She sits on the creaky chair,
Waiting for the release of death, she laughs to herself with spite.
They won’t let her go yet; they want to blacken her heart first,
They feed on her, knowing she never felt the release of love, not fully,
He never let her settle inside him, he never let her touch and play with his demons,
They eat her up, slow, enjoying every drop of her blood,
Every good memory she had of him, every touch, kiss and thought she’s had caught in the monsters’ throats.
Blood trickles out of her soft mouth, draining away onto her blouse,
Her eyes turn black, and damp,
She doesn't want to go, but she’s so tired.
She wants to rest, closes her lids slowly, hands turn limp,
And she’s gone, they've found everything, everything she cherished, and gobbled it up.
Leaving nothing to save in her soul of him,
His life soon over,
He walks the streets that night; he feels a sharp pain in his chest,
Like a dagger on fire, cutting through his heart,
He feels her everywhere, her perfume surrounds him
He feels her hand on his shoulder, when he turns back to look she’s not there,
She’s gone, he knows that now.
He drops to his knees, wet hard rain on his face; he doesn’t feel her anymore,
He sees she won’t return again,
His demons taunt him grossly,
Jumping from each memory of her and weaving pain in,
They’re laughter gets louder and louder until he can’t take it.
Then he feels it, her darkness on him,
He feels her fears, her anger, her hate, her sadness, every image of pain she’s ever concocted imprints on him
Tearing his heart apart,
He feels her now, her weight, on his shoulders,
In all that pain, he also feels a twisted sense of comfort,
He can still hold on to a part of her,
It doesn't matter which, he invites her creatures inside,
He welcomes the pain
He needs it.
He needs just a piece of that heart.
Dec 26, 2013
Dec 26, 2013 at 2:15 AM UTC
Life spirals out of control before it can be caught
It disappoints the most deserving of people
Breaks hearts,
Breaks minds
Holds onto the deepest insecurities
And corrupts you,
It can hold miracles,
But only for those who search
Search for love
Search for pain
Passion,
It creates us
Creates our bones, our blood, our souls
The fire that drives us runs out
Our bodies tired, old and fragile
Second chances cannot be
The only choice, push through the pain
Hold on to tranquil memories
Lost loves, our own creations
Our art of living,
Is needed to be wrapped into us
Intertwining between heart beats
Laughter and hope,
At the end all we’re left with is regret
The what if
The longing of turning back the clock
Or ending our lives sooner than they had begun
We are born dead, only through life, agony and lust
Are we truly alive
Reborn anew,
Many never born at all.
Dec 11, 2011
Dec 11, 2011 at 1:54 PM UTC
Frozen skin, ice cold
Frost, beauties struck lets behold.
Heart stopped,
Love dropped
Pain, lust hold on
Pray it isn’t all a con
Creep up into me
Fragile bones, you see?
Cry out, hold tight
Pain soon over, see the light
Flesh torn,
Bones worn
Out,
Deep blue’s around my eyes
Innocence then dies
Fight I say
Hear the pray
Vultures feasting, on my heart
Took my breath, broken apart
Frozen no more
Veins pumping, sore
Heat elevating, engulfing me
Now I pray for the cold,
frost set me free.
Dec 11, 2011
Dec 11, 2011 at 1:46 PM UTC
she was a dancer , her name never known ,
even to her lovers she was a mystery to societies curiosity
her actions were known throughout the world
her escapades publicized in the most provocative ways
her passions flowing , no one could fill her...no one could reach beyond the surface
No one knew her outrageous thoughts, no one seeked out her pain
her words failing to the comparisons of her skin
her opinions drowned out by her flowing hair and glistening eyes
her love unsuspected due to her ***
she was a woman of no woman
the way she spoke shot shivers down one's spine
her walk was one that could stop disasters
she was free , but oh so captured,
all they could see was someone they could use
her frail thoughts
her discontent life , her restrictions
restrictions no man could see
she gave herself to all
but no one
she was an angry one not knowing why she was born herself
why she was alone , and why she couldn't help it with all
the physical , skin on skin , caressing
her soul was empty
her mind was full
no one would fill her , no one would reach beyond the surface
reach through her chest...
of her blood
the pumping vessels
no one could see the little sad girl
all they could see is the carnal urge
exploit it for their own pleasure
someone that would unimaginably cater to their every need
she was a woman , of no woman
she was a misty memory of their days
not a lasting impression ,
just undeniably beautiful
she constantly wondered if she could live through the day
if anyone would see..
if anyone could be the one to save her ,
if anyone could just reach through her chest and rip out her beating heart
just to prove it had been there in the first place.
quite often she would lie in bed ,
dreaming of her prince
he had been a dark man ,
always in her thoughts,
he had brought her more insecurities then she could ever dream of
but for one reason or another she had wanted him
she had wanted his thoughts,
his breath ,
his words ,
his tone ,
she'd dream of it all down to the freckle,
she had imagined a man so unbelievably unrealistic...the one for her,
the only one she could think that could save her
she needed to be saved ,
she'd been overpowered by her imagination and fluid thoughts her entire life,
they had never come true, and this , this man , she knew wouldn't be any different .
she'd often think of herself , her big light brown eyes , her flowing long hair, her unchanged smile , her brilliant skin tone ,
and slit her self through and through ,
she would open her flesh and think ,
there had to be something more to her than just skin and bones.
but no matter how far she'd look
she could never find
what she was looking for ,
could not be found by her painful injections
her constant smoking ,
her bathing in pure water , she couldn't seem to find anything at all ,
and that's when she decided to stop
to end it all
with one fair day
one sunny day
she knew the day and looked for it in everyday there was
but it hadn't come yet.
but she was waiting.. patience my darling she kept saying
it will be over soon .
He was a man of no man
he was the one everyone looked to for anything at all
he was spiraling out of control
in his own excuses for his ceasing life
his own tormenting thoughts
he was a lonely boy since childhood
he was surrounded by people with their doubts and angst
teaching others to live ,
but had never lived a day in his life
he had sandy brown hair that any woman sweetly touched with ease,
he had light green eyes that any woman would be bewildered by ,
dark flawless skin that any woman would be glad to touch
the only thing a woman lacked for him ,
the one thing that he had longed for his entire life was forgiveness ,
forgiveness for his actions ,
forgiveness for his thoughts ,
forgiveness for his grief
understanding of that would make any woman the one for him ,
except that this quality was lost on the world
hard to find ,
he knew
he searched for years
and one day he gave up
gave up to find forgiveness
gave up looking for one that would grant him his everlasting wish
he had given up his life in all
there were no more excuses
he had decided
a gloomy day he thought to fit the occasion
shot gun to the head seemed plausible
and defiantly permanent.
he searched for that day in everyday he lived.
both crossed paths ,
she never knew this but he had seen her from long away
she was beautiful
she had the quality he knew it
sitting in the coffee shop he approached her
she smiled just like with any man
but he saw right through that smile of hers
he sat her with her speaking , laughing , drinking and he knew ,
she was the one to forgive him and he knew she needed this too
this exact connection they had
she saw him as just any other man ,
playing the field trying to taste her sweetness
but she also saw something odd about the way her looked at her
almost as if he was actually looking inside of her
trying to get to know her insides.
this was impossible she thought..
he took her contact,
told her he would call
she thought he was just trying to be polite
he went home with a big smile on his face .
the world was singing to him
the divine was giving him another chance at life
she was a gift, a gift that would fill his emptiness
he came home and called her straight away.
she answered and they planned another gathering.
he was on cloud nine , shooting for the moon
he set off the next morning to meet her ,
he had imagined the way she spoke the whole way
the way she looked ,
although he couldn't quite remember ,
but her essence stayed with him , her smell her softness,
he felt at bliss , utter happiness
when she woke up that morning , she saw an oddly sunny day
she knew this was the day , taking her own life wasn't hard ,
she threaded the noose around the shower rod ,
fit her head perfectly through the hole
stood on her tippy toes on the edge of the bath
let loose
her neck snapped instantly
she did not shed a tear ,
one thought hung in her mind right before she let go ..
what if he had been her prince...the one she was waiting for.
he sat in the coffee shop for hours waiting for her ,
minute by minute he saw people walking in and out of the building
excitement struck at almost every sighting ,
then followed by shear disappointment .
the afternoon turned dark ,
clouds hung around the city
rain poured down
the gloomy day he's been expecting had come ,
he had felt emptier than he'd ever felt before.
he walked home in the violent rain
stepped in the door of his home for the last time soaking wet
took the gun from his bedside table ,
placed it in his mouth and pulled the trigger
within the second
his last flailing thought was ..
why hadn't she saved me. ..
two lovers that would have been
died within their emptiness and doubt that day ,
never knowing why,
one hadn't saved the other
true love.
A fairy tale.
Oct 12, 2011
Oct 12, 2011 at 8:03 PM UTC