unfound - Hello Poetry

This morning I woke up missing how things used to be. I miss the warm and the comfort that my family used to bring. Belonging, that’s what I miss for now I’m only a stranger with nowhere else to be. I have these memories, and I wonder if that is all they’ll ever going to be. The happiness and the calm, they feel so distant from me. There is this aching pain here in my chest, it makes me uneasy, it doesn’t allow me to rest. I used to be known to anyone but myself. Now I’m trying to get closer to who I really am, but every step I take leads me away from everybody else. But that little girl is all alone, in the dark she’s screaming for my attention. For too long I’ve ignored her cries, too focused on the people around me and on not creating any tension. All this energy I’ve used, all the dedication I gave, it all feels like a waste of time. For if those people knew who I was, then why I still felt so utterly alone? maybe it’s because of my Lou of the magic she creates. She’s quite capable you see, with her in two places I can be, whereas before only in one I used to be. I can be on the surface, grounded in the present, but holding the hand of that little girl all together. maybe that was enough, it had been for a long time. But now I want more. Yes I am greedy, and I don’t want to deny it. I want to be in those two places all the time. I want to hold that girl’s hand and tell her that it is all right. I want to do it while sitting at dinner, when my dad makes his jokes. I want to do it when my mom asks me if I like the new shirt she just bought. I want to do it when I play cards with my grandma, and when I’m around my other friends. Because while I comfort that little girl, it is her who gives me strength. So here I am, trying so hard to walk towards her. I’m trying to keep her with me, near the surface, grounded in my present. She’s scared, and so am I. Sometimes she slips away, sometimes I still ignore her cries. It’s just so difficult and I struggle to understand why. How can they know me, if that girl was never by my side when I shook their hand, or when I made them smile? They knew a stranger, an imposter, that’s what they knew. But why am I so distant from them now, when all I’m trying to do is presenting them the truth? Are they angry because I lied? I didn’t mean to do so. I just couldn’t hear her voice for so long. It pains me that the road towards the light, towards that girl, it’s such a lonely road. It saddens me, when the reason I only moved is because I didn’t want to feel alone at all. I felt not whole around the ones that loved me. I wanted to be whole for them. Now I am not whole yet, but each day a little closer I get. But why is it that always a stranger is all I am? A stranger to myself in the start, a stranger to them in the end. Perhaps there is another road, another path that I’ll take once I’ll have conquered the present with the little girl here in my presence. Perhaps only then I’ll be able to see how to make those memories real how to live them again as a new me.

0

May 7, 2023

May 7, 2023 at 4:27 AM UTC

stranger

This morning I woke up missing how things used to be. I miss the warm and the comfort that my family used to bring. Belonging, that’s what I miss for now I’m only a stranger with nowhere else to be. I have these memories, and I wonder if that is all they’ll ever going to be. The happiness and the calm, they feel so distant from me. There is this aching pain here in my chest, it makes me uneasy, it doesn’t allow me to rest. I used to be known to anyone but myself. Now I’m trying to get closer to who I really am, but every step I take leads me away from everybody else. But that little girl is all alone, in the dark she’s screaming for my attention. For too long I’ve ignored her cries, too focused on the people around me and on not creating any tension. All this energy I’ve used, all the dedication I gave, it all feels like a waste of time. For if those people knew who I was, then why I still felt so utterly alone? maybe it’s because of my Lou of the magic she creates. She’s quite capable you see, with her in two places I can be, whereas before only in one I used to be. I can be on the surface, grounded in the present, but holding the hand of that little girl all together. maybe that was enough, it had been for a long time. But now I want more. Yes I am greedy, and I don’t want to deny it. I want to be in those two places all the time. I want to hold that girl’s hand and tell her that it is all right. I want to do it while sitting at dinner, when my dad makes his jokes. I want to do it when my mom asks me if I like the new shirt she just bought. I want to do it when I play cards with my grandma, and when I’m around my other friends. Because while I comfort that little girl, it is her who gives me strength. So here I am, trying so hard to walk towards her. I’m trying to keep her with me, near the surface, grounded in my present. She’s scared, and so am I. Sometimes she slips away, sometimes I still ignore her cries. It’s just so difficult and I struggle to understand why. How can they know me, if that girl was never by my side when I shook their hand, or when I made them smile? They knew a stranger, an imposter, that’s what they knew. But why am I so distant from them now, when all I’m trying to do is presenting them the truth? Are they angry because I lied? I didn’t mean to do so. I just couldn’t hear her voice for so long. It pains me that the road towards the light, towards that girl, it’s such a lonely road. It saddens me, when the reason I only moved is because I didn’t want to feel alone at all. I felt not whole around the ones that loved me. I wanted to be whole for them. Now I am not whole yet, but each day a little closer I get. But why is it that always a stranger is all I am? A stranger to myself in the start, a stranger to them in the end. Perhaps there is another road, another path that I’ll take once I’ll have conquered the present with the little girl here in my presence. Perhaps only then I’ll be able to see how to make those memories real how to live them again as a new me.

99

I’ve been loving you for quite some time, feels like I’ve been running for all my life. Floating in this huge, immense crowd, with so much noise no one hears my shouts. I didn’t know, at first what I was looking for, until I spotted you in you shiny glow. I knew I wanted to be found, I didn’t think someone would lift me from the ground. I was so scared to be crushed, so scared that they’d turn me into ash. I’ve surrounded myself with so many one-way mirror, so that I could see them, but no one could see the tears on that pillow. Just a reflection, this is all I’ve ever been, running wildly, having no where to be. Pleasing everyone with what they wanted to see, feeling lonely with no one next to me. But then you surprisingly came along, stopping me abruptly, noticing something was off. Your light was too brilliant and your glow too strong, you had to squint your eyes around me all along. And I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t go, I felt so warm around your glow. But I didn’t want to keep hurting your eyes, I wanted to shine with you, to free my light. But I was trapped, I didn’t know how to escape, how to leave those mirrors that had always kept me safe. You reached for me, you pulled me out, you took me away from that suffocating crowd. And as the mirrors were shuttering on the spot I was before, all I could hear was you telling me “you’re home”. Now my home is warm, it shines so bright, but the light comes from within, not from someone standing on the outside. So I’ve been loving you for quite some time, since I saw you standing with your now familiar light. I didn’t know what I was looking for, until I found your love, a love that always felt like hope.

0

Mar 15, 2022

Mar 15, 2022 at 10:57 AM UTC

what it should feel like

I’ve been loving you for quite some time, feels like I’ve been running for all my life. Floating in this huge, immense crowd, with so much noise no one hears my shouts. I didn’t know, at first what I was looking for, until I spotted you in you shiny glow. I knew I wanted to be found, I didn’t think someone would lift me from the ground. I was so scared to be crushed, so scared that they’d turn me into ash. I’ve surrounded myself with so many one-way mirror, so that I could see them, but no one could see the tears on that pillow. Just a reflection, this is all I’ve ever been, running wildly, having no where to be. Pleasing everyone with what they wanted to see, feeling lonely with no one next to me. But then you surprisingly came along, stopping me abruptly, noticing something was off. Your light was too brilliant and your glow too strong, you had to squint your eyes around me all along. And I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t go, I felt so warm around your glow. But I didn’t want to keep hurting your eyes, I wanted to shine with you, to free my light. But I was trapped, I didn’t know how to escape, how to leave those mirrors that had always kept me safe. You reached for me, you pulled me out, you took me away from that suffocating crowd. And as the mirrors were shuttering on the spot I was before, all I could hear was you telling me “you’re home”. Now my home is warm, it shines so bright, but the light comes from within, not from someone standing on the outside. So I’ve been loving you for quite some time, since I saw you standing with your now familiar light. I didn’t know what I was looking for, until I found your love, a love that always felt like hope.

72

I always get sad when you leave, Doesn't matter what we just did. We could have discussed all day, studied our brains out, watched a movie or laughing out loud. We could have been kissing all afternoon, or sleeping side by side, or eating as much as we did when we were high. We could have been fighting a lot, then sit in silence inside my room, I could have even got offended too, but that wouldn’t make me less in love with you. As soon as you close the door and leave, I feel the emptiness filling the house and I find it difficult to breathe. I feel the tears asking me to fall, I feel stupid and silly, I just beg for it to stop. And I think about all the things I wanted to tell you, all the things I never say, and I promise myself to tell you on the following day. But there’s always something that gets stuck on my tongue, I try to push it out but it never does. It is stupid because I can write it with no problems at all, just like I did in a verse a few lines before. I know why I’m waiting but I wish I was not, maybe one day I’ll find the courage without freezing on my spot. But even when I’ll finally tell you what I wrote in that verse a few lines before, I really doubt that when you leave, I’ll feel less alone.

0

Feb 15, 2020

Feb 15, 2020 at 8:30 AM UTC

When you leave

I always get sad when you leave, Doesn't matter what we just did. We could have discussed all day, studied our brains out, watched a movie or laughing out loud. We could have been kissing all afternoon, or sleeping side by side, or eating as much as we did when we were high. We could have been fighting a lot, then sit in silence inside my room, I could have even got offended too, but that wouldn’t make me less in love with you. As soon as you close the door and leave, I feel the emptiness filling the house and I find it difficult to breathe. I feel the tears asking me to fall, I feel stupid and silly, I just beg for it to stop. And I think about all the things I wanted to tell you, all the things I never say, and I promise myself to tell you on the following day. But there’s always something that gets stuck on my tongue, I try to push it out but it never does. It is stupid because I can write it with no problems at all, just like I did in a verse a few lines before. I know why I’m waiting but I wish I was not, maybe one day I’ll find the courage without freezing on my spot. But even when I’ll finally tell you what I wrote in that verse a few lines before, I really doubt that when you leave, I’ll feel less alone.

29

Why is it so scary To tell to someone how you feel? I read all the signals, there’s no way I could be wrong Yet I’ve been able to keep it secret for so long Why can’t I just say it? Why do I want him to say it first, When I perfectly know that it won’t change how he makes me feel. I’ve fallen hard, there’s no way back. so why can’t I just say it out loud, without risking an heart attack?

0

Nov 3, 2019

Nov 3, 2019 at 10:51 AM UTC

L-Word

Why is it so scary To tell to someone how you feel? I read all the signals, there’s no way I could be wrong Yet I’ve been able to keep it secret for so long Why can’t I just say it? Why do I want him to say it first, When I perfectly know that it won’t change how he makes me feel. I’ve fallen hard, there’s no way back. so why can’t I just say it out loud, without risking an heart attack?

9

He held her arm during their journey She taught him life and how to love it. They were one and two At the same time. But now, here I write about his loss. Weird, I guess I can hear a distant laugh while looking at a soul who went from being one, to two, to half.

0

Nov 3, 2019

Nov 3, 2019 at 10:22 AM UTC

Journey

He held her arm during their journey She taught him life and how to love it. They were one and two At the same time. But now, here I write about his loss. Weird, I guess I can hear a distant laugh while looking at a soul who went from being one, to two, to half.

15

I’ve thought about this for quite a long time. new beginnings are always difficult to crack. Laughing and kissing, playing and drinking, studying and sleeping. Time has flown so quickly. And I’m still feeling so dizzy. Or is this just a dream? I’ve asked myself more than once. There’s nothing as scaring as this thought. And you know all the things I fear. Variables that I cannot control. That is what my emotions turn into when you’re around me. there are so many of them. Maybe this is why it took me so long to figure it out. because, you see, Every moment I spend with you, I wish would never end. We may fight and argue, and even get upset sometimes. But no matter the circumstances, as soon as You leave, I miss you so **** much. So much I feel like an idiot because I know I’ll see you on the following day. Even if you won’t be away too long, I wish you could always stay. Oh boy, I do sound cheesy. But really I don’t care. You make me feel so alive, so powerful and happy, why shouldn’t I say it in every way? Why is it so simple to write it, but not to pronounce it? though I know I will say it to you very soon. can’t keep everything inside much longer. but in the main time, I’ll keep thinking about the same thing. Because now that I have Understood it, I wonder, did you manage to do the same?

0

May 21, 2019

May 21, 2019 at 6:13 PM UTC

Vertically

I’ve thought about this for quite a long time. new beginnings are always difficult to crack. Laughing and kissing, playing and drinking, studying and sleeping. Time has flown so quickly. And I’m still feeling so dizzy. Or is this just a dream? I’ve asked myself more than once. There’s nothing as scaring as this thought. And you know all the things I fear. Variables that I cannot control. That is what my emotions turn into when you’re around me. there are so many of them. Maybe this is why it took me so long to figure it out. because, you see, Every moment I spend with you, I wish would never end. We may fight and argue, and even get upset sometimes. But no matter the circumstances, as soon as You leave, I miss you so **** much. So much I feel like an idiot because I know I’ll see you on the following day. Even if you won’t be away too long, I wish you could always stay. Oh boy, I do sound cheesy. But really I don’t care. You make me feel so alive, so powerful and happy, why shouldn’t I say it in every way? Why is it so simple to write it, but not to pronounce it? though I know I will say it to you very soon. can’t keep everything inside much longer. but in the main time, I’ll keep thinking about the same thing. Because now that I have Understood it, I wonder, did you manage to do the same?

33

And I’m still trying to cope with everything that has just happened but I’m not so sure how to do so. And I’m still trying to breath ‘cause after that call it feels like I haven’t put some air in. And I think I still can’t move ‘cause my life is not going in the direction I had first choose. And I’m here trying to fly even if I have no longer those wings you took away with you. And I’m still trying to find the meaning of this now empty garbage we all like to call life. Because I’m feeling so exposed so broken, and shattered like I just got stabbed and this con-stan-t pain I don’t know how to feel anything else ever again. You were my rock, my calm, my light my love, my heart, my mind And I just don’t know how to be the person I admired the most the person you made me be But I know, deep inside that you’d never want me to waste like this my whole life And I guess, at some point I’ll realize how to be happy, soft, and fine how to laugh at my own jokes how to love someone once more how to once again smile but right now, I’m sorry I can’t, I need more time.

0

Nov 8, 2018

Nov 8, 2018 at 3:56 PM UTC

Thinking about loss

And I’m still trying to cope with everything that has just happened but I’m not so sure how to do so. And I’m still trying to breath ‘cause after that call it feels like I haven’t put some air in. And I think I still can’t move ‘cause my life is not going in the direction I had first choose. And I’m here trying to fly even if I have no longer those wings you took away with you. And I’m still trying to find the meaning of this now empty garbage we all like to call life. Because I’m feeling so exposed so broken, and shattered like I just got stabbed and this con-stan-t pain I don’t know how to feel anything else ever again. You were my rock, my calm, my light my love, my heart, my mind And I just don’t know how to be the person I admired the most the person you made me be But I know, deep inside that you’d never want me to waste like this my whole life And I guess, at some point I’ll realize how to be happy, soft, and fine how to laugh at my own jokes how to love someone once more how to once again smile but right now, I’m sorry I can’t, I need more time.

43

Today I feel it’s weight again. A month has passed Many things have happened But finally I managed to find my way Back home. I thought I’d learned how to deal with it How to heal From every wound that each departure creates I thought I could react I thought I was fine I am fine, or at least I should be You see, there’s someone waiting for me, far from home It shouldn’t bother me this much Leaving I mean I thought it had become easier Quicker But if I think about how long I won’t be back About my friends here Panic occurs. It feels like far from home Is just a projection Not my true reality Just something that happens between The visits I make And yet I spend more time making those visits Rather than living home That’s how it works That’s how it should be I thought I understood But turns out I didn’t Because here I am crying Thinking that another month has to pass Before I’ll come back again. I’d better start looking for the right way

0

Nov 3, 2018

Nov 3, 2018 at 8:26 PM UTC

Home

Today I feel it’s weight again. A month has passed Many things have happened But finally I managed to find my way Back home. I thought I’d learned how to deal with it How to heal From every wound that each departure creates I thought I could react I thought I was fine I am fine, or at least I should be You see, there’s someone waiting for me, far from home It shouldn’t bother me this much Leaving I mean I thought it had become easier Quicker But if I think about how long I won’t be back About my friends here Panic occurs. It feels like far from home Is just a projection Not my true reality Just something that happens between The visits I make And yet I spend more time making those visits Rather than living home That’s how it works That’s how it should be I thought I understood But turns out I didn’t Because here I am crying Thinking that another month has to pass Before I’ll come back again. I’d better start looking for the right way

36

Today I F E L L for you a little bit more. Those words were magic, and giving them to me has made me feel so special. That's all I wanted to say that's actually all I can say since if I think about it This is the first time I've F A L L E N at all.

0

Oct 29, 2018

Oct 29, 2018 at 9:47 AM UTC

The blogger's story

Today I F E L L for you a little bit more. Those words were magic, and giving them to me has made me feel so special. That's all I wanted to say that's actually all I can say since if I think about it This is the first time I've F A L L E N at all.

22

I still feel lost sometimes even if it's just for short, even if after it I'm fine. I steel get lost and look around but see nothing except dark I wonder where was my last path? So I cry and lay down, waiting for the demons to pass by waiting for the end of the deepest night. Then I wake up and try to remember where I came from? was it from South, East, West or North? My feet move before I find an answer, I can't help it, but I know why: I'm scared I'll get paralyzed otherwise. So I keep walking, I am still walking, but I don't think I know where I'm going. Perhaps, is this the reason why I still get lost? Should I maybe simply stop?

0

Oct 8, 2018

Oct 8, 2018 at 5:26 PM UTC

Walking

I still feel lost sometimes even if it's just for short, even if after it I'm fine. I steel get lost and look around but see nothing except dark I wonder where was my last path? So I cry and lay down, waiting for the demons to pass by waiting for the end of the deepest night. Then I wake up and try to remember where I came from? was it from South, East, West or North? My feet move before I find an answer, I can't help it, but I know why: I'm scared I'll get paralyzed otherwise. So I keep walking, I am still walking, but I don't think I know where I'm going. Perhaps, is this the reason why I still get lost? Should I maybe simply stop?

20