Birds chirp outside my window before the sun even appears
Interrupting my nightly rewind of 38 years
Or did I spend time in the future instead
With decisions not yet made, and words so far unsaid?
Slowly the fog drifts from my mind; my thoughts are no longer far
Wearily I rise from sleep, and grab a drinkless bar.
With a routine borne from endless practice, I move into my wheeled cage
Simultaneously what I need to survive, and a source of rage
Not due to the physical need; limits are never a shame
But because it puts me steps behind in the middle of life’s game
Some say I should be glad it is visible at first sight
With laws and support in place, I guess they may be right.
This topic feels conflicted as verses leave my head
Like following a path that someone else led
Supportive family and friends, a job, and outside interests too
All of these are mine, and yet there feels much more to do
I know myself well enough that part of my drive
Involves shutting people up and continuing to strive
Shattering expectations has always been fun
Now it’s more like a chore that never gets done
A clock in my head that just won’t stop ticking
Decisions seem to just get made without anyone picking
Days go by faster than the roadrunner’s blur
And yet things seem to end up back where they were
Work always goes well; at least by what’s in writing
They don’t have a front row seat when my head and heart are fighting
Feeling like I must always be “on;” a perpetual switch
Wishing more people knew I can truly be a son of a *****
That may seem like an odd thing to say
But just stop for a minute and see things my way.
Can’t drive on my own, dress or shower without an aide
Nobody even considers that I want to get laid.
“You think about *** they ask in shock
As if not walking means I don’t have a ****
The confusion all across their face burns me to my core
And gets me enraged enough to go hire a *****
I have no shame for this hope; though some would say I must
The only harm is not acknowledging that everyone has lust
I’m TIRED of feeling like these impulses have to hide
I just can’t find someone crazy enough to take the ride
In my darkest moments, paying seems the only way
I watch, we ***** and they don’t get to stay
But my thinking head knows that won’t solve the issue
So I guess I’m still stuck cleaning up with a tissue
“Don’t try so hard,” well-meaning people say. “It will happen when it’s Fate.”
Hard to believe when you can’t even get a date.
Single women say they trust me, can tell any secret, and know I'll be there
So why the hell do they disappear without a care?
“You give such great advice and always know what to do.
I wish my boyfriend was more like you.”
Well, he could be, don’t you realize?
Get your head out of the clouds, and stop believing his lies!
Another one starts with “My family doesn’t even know this; you’re the only one I’ve told.”
I thank her for trusting me; the move was truly bold.
Down the line, I ask if one day sparks could fly,
“Nope, I’ll never see you that way, Goodbye!”
It’s not just about the *** either; that isn’t quite right.
Sharing hopes, dreams, fears, and laying together at night
No matter what obstacles or fortunes lie ahead
Not snapping out of a dream on one side of an empty bed
This isn’t depression, although I understand the concern
Just endless frustration wondering when will I learn
Actions don’t speak louder than words; they all have the same pitch
Why does the story ALWAYS end with me feeling like a *****
Even six year old nieces get in on the act
Asking when I will make the lifelong pact
She doesn’t even care about gender; it could be the same
Unless of course, I want to hear a baby cry out his daddy’s name
Children has always been a true lifelong dream
But I’m a few steps behind and time is short it seems
At least my brother has a son to carry on our line
I know the future isn’t written, but give me SOME ******* sign!
Would I even be good at it? Could I raise them well?
Who knows the kind of lives they’d lead, or stories they could tell?
I can’t say this for certain without a crystal ball
So instead I’ll be present for everyone here now, and help them through it all.
It may seem like these are things a true “man” shouldn’t say
And I admit to thinking the same a few times, even still today
After all, can’t do home improvements, fix cars, or plant a stupid tree
What on earth would any real woman have to do with me?
THAT’S the worst part of being in a chair
It allows you to think that no one else will truly care
Or that deepest dreams should remain hidden for no one else to see
Because, after all, you have a disability.
Sometimes these thoughts go too deep in my brain
Just gaining speed in my life like a runaway train
And I try to breathe slowly, stop and look around
Because of treasures I have already found.
The only person who will read these lines; “best friend” is WAY too weak a word
Family in all but blood; she urged my voice to be heard
Put out her hand, shared my laughter, dried some tears
Without question, my best decision these last five years.
Parents who drive me insane and often make me scream
But at the end of the day, we’re all on the same team
A brother and sister who tortured, teased and played along
Because in the end, bonds forged are lifelong
Nieces and nephews I could not love more if they were my own
Relatives whose love is not only stated but truly shown
An education with two degrees no one thought I could achieve
Even though they do not mean hard times and troubles will leave
Music and DVDs stacked from wall to wall
Even though I’ll never have time to play them all
A sense of humor that passes most people right on by
Maybe they’ll see me one day, stop in, and wonder why
As night falls once more outside and the page gets ready to turn
I can’t help but wonder what next lesson I will learn
Will it cause happiness? Sadness? Surprise? Fortune? Alarm?
Will I be able to keep the peace or have a desire to cause harm?
Do I have the skills necessary to keep on fanning the fire?
Without feeling like I’m walking a tightrope wire?
It’s like telling one last joke no one’s ever heard before
Will they boo me offstage, or stand up for more?
As I look back through my life, regrets seemingly zoom by at great speed
Ten years wasted on the wrong girl, not taking charge when I need
More independence than I’ve ever had before
But not enough courage to leave my parent’s front door
How will I explain these questions to people in my life?
What will potential girlfriends think? Or (God forbid) a wife?
There are times when these thoughts fill me with physical pain
And endless tears slide off my face like nonstop torrential rain
All these endless riddles without answers in sight
Life’s milestones like road signs passing in the night
A sense of unease and worry permeates my head
Still, only one option open, full speed ahead
There’s nowhere left to run, nowhere left to hide
Just gotta have the right people standing at my side
And no matter what today’s outcome, draw, lose or win
They’ll help me get up tomorrow and do it all again
Dec 27, 2018
Dec 27, 2018 at 9:52 AM UTC
Family comes before all else is what we’re often taught
For better or worse, good or bad, whether we like it or not
And oftentimes that works out fine; wonderful memories are made
Parties planned, births announced, celebrations before recollections fade
Laughter, tears, and lessons learned mostly seem to rule the day
But somehow one relative always seems to lose his way
Hides behind a wall of reasons, each just truthful enough to deflect
School started, kids are busy, work’s a ***** how many excuses will he collect?
I understand life’s various roles can throw us all for a loop
But that’s why times like these are so important to regroup
A second wife we barely know, two kids we’ve barely seen
Who knows what their definition of family will eventually come to mean?
The choices made are his alone; I honestly don’t care
Invitations keep being offered, but appearances are beyond rare
Weddings missed, funerals and wakes barely attended
But we all expect it now, and no one gets offended
When calls or visits do come, he acts as though no time has passed
People never buy it, although polite laughs come fast
I just don’t get why so much time and care is being given to a guy
Who clearly doesn’t give a **** and I am DONE wondering why
Longtime friends understand me more than he could ever claim
For they stayed and listened when the good times and storms came
You see, family is only a small percentage about bloodline and relation
Mostly it’s people we WANT in our lives, and I am feeling true appreciation!
Sep 5, 2015
Sep 5, 2015 at 12:14 PM UTC
A blank page waits for words that it will never see
Created from the head of someone writing a story
Characters, plot, setting, theme, are central to the tale
Without them every narrative is simply guaranteed to fail
Stakes and consequences must exist for someone to pursue
Whether treacherous of heart, or noble, brave, and true
And if these traits stand not alone but mixed in with the rest
That simply adds more intrigue to the outcome of the test
Will he get the girl? Will she rise above her station?
Can a rags-to-riches fable captivate the nation?
Who done it, where and why? Are three questions most effective
But often ****** requires the help of a detective
These may seem like idle, fragmented bits of a much larger whole
But actually they’re not; every type plays a role
For you see, “someone” mentioned above is not a professional writer
But an individual on a journey, and we all must face it like a fighter
Characters are those you know and love, plot is what you choose to do
Setting is where you live, theme defines what is important to you
So why a fighter you may ask, someone who faces pain and strife?
Because we encounter both good and ill as we write our book of life
Sep 3, 2015
Sep 3, 2015 at 6:03 PM UTC
Eyes meet with exchanged smiles from across a room
Laughter at the same jokes and nightime walks; who knows what may loom?
The meeting we both attend is a mutually interesting theme
Someone who likes it AND is realistic? This cannot be what it seems.
Once weekly at college we hold each other’s gaze
Meeting for awful campus dinners to vent about our days
From my hometown, although years separate our leaving
This is too good to be true, of course I must be dreaming
I keep talking myself down; she already dates someone good
Although that doesn’t stop me as much as it should
But just as I’m willing to put up with that fight
She tells me she rejected someone the previous night
While thankful for my silence and no resulting pain
I can’t help but wonder why this has happened again
Why do people seek in me their emotions to confide
Without at all thinking I may want to be by their side?
Years go by and we remain friends, though truly only in name
Her interest in that topic has deepened; and things just can’t be the same
Contact dwindles down to a yearly fundraising letter
Finally I toss it aside, I deserve better.
A recent interview in the paper brings her to mind once more
Only this time I feel nothing down deep in my core
With her eyes “opened” and trust from Above
I see that she has now found a groom to love
I’m happy for them and their worthwhile cause
Hopefully they will help others put life’s challenges on pause
But when all is set and done at the end of the day
I have the people I want around me every step of the way.
Sep 3, 2015
Sep 3, 2015 at 10:04 AM UTC
What comes into our heads as day turns into night
And sky turns black as coal before the next morning’s light?
Idle fantasies of childhood? Scoring the game’s final run?
Imagining years down the line with a daughter or a son?
Like an ever spiraling maze with an ending unclear
Some stoke our pleasures, others bring unsettled fear
The one time when we truly are impossible to find
Since no one else can access the reaches of our mind
Or perhaps these are not thoughts we have while we sleep
But ambitions to guide our path and goals that we keep
Directions from one point to another, like GPS in a car
So we can reach the mountain’s summit, not just admire it from afar
No matter the topic or intensity, let these visions in your life
Whether they come in times of quiet peace, or heavy angst and strife
Obstacles will no doubt appear along the way
Translate the phrase carpe diem; go out and seize the day
Sep 1, 2015
Sep 1, 2015 at 6:03 PM UTC
Water ebbs and flows like the gentle breeze
Tourists lounge in chairs, watching with practiced ease
Bright blue skies dotted with clouds roll by
*** in hand, I sit and let out a contented sigh
Flashing back to the times of years long past
When wiffleball, sleepovers, and cookouts trended; not the latest reality cast
When movies, delivered pizza , and cake felt like the perfect day
And no one obsessed over what social media had to say
Let’s bring back the joy of those pure summer days
With nothing to do but let them pass in a daze
A fog over my mind, past worries but a whisper
Looking forward to good memories with my brother and sister
Whether school-age or not, what a great time of year
Visits await with friends and relatives; vacation is drawing near
Take a moment just to savor it and let that feeling stay
For life will roll in like the tide and try to take it all away.
Aug 31, 2015
Aug 31, 2015 at 2:16 PM UTC
Words sworn over a lifetime in both action and deed
Pledges to stand side by side, no matter where the path may lead
Family, neighbors, classmates, teams, roommates, soldiers, and co-workers each
Who knows just where and how far back the bonds of time may reach?
It’s hard to describe what pulls us in and lights the spark
Maybe it’s shared things we’ve done, or grasping for a hand in the dark?
Times when we have no idea what to do or say
And rely on someone new to help guide our way.
Whether it’s for life’s major milestones or just good times with a kink
Like seeing that first skin rag, or being given an underage drink
Or helping you drop a class with untrue initials quickly signed
Those are the people all of us secretly like to find
Why? It’s not just for the excitement or a quick little thrill
It’s because someone finally sees us the way few others ever will
And when they need your help you almost always agree
Because inside you know, “They will do the same for me.”
But be careful not to overstress yourself
Like a pile of books on an overstocked shelf
For almost without fail at some point over the years
They will push you right to the brink of tears
It may not be with unkind words or a shattering of trust
Each wanting the same lover and fighting down lust
Priorities change as days go forward; in that there is no crime
Hour long conversations may condense to “Sorry, bad time”
Our reaction to these moments is the important thing to see
Each one is individual, just like you and me
Do we accept the change and laugh when we are able?
Or is it forever on the fritz like a downed TV cable?
If the latter is what you decide
Try not to be bitter at the end of the ride
But if you are, remember, as anger and resentment teems
The good old days weren’t always good and tomorrow ain’t as bad as it seems
Aug 29, 2015
Aug 29, 2015 at 8:58 PM UTC
Numbers spin like lottery ***** round and round inside
Always on a quest to see what secrets we can find
But this door won’t melt with torches or be broken by a drill
Because it taps into our mind and uses our free will
No bills wait in stacks behind its inner wall of steel
Just honesty about our lives and the emotions we all feel
Times we always remember and some we wish to forget
Those jackpots or busts everyone is guaranteed to hit
No clanging sounds or flashing lights to signal victory
Just thoughts of where we are and where we wish to be
Sometimes things don’t go our way and we throw in a losing hand
But , it’s not where the journey starts, its where you finally land
And even if your location stays the same
Pieces around you will change like a much-loved board game
New memories and friends come while old ones leave
Each taking a thread in the new life you weave
Experiences fresh and familiar shape what you become
And it doesn’t really matter from where the good times come
Hit or stay, spin that wheel, and let chance do the rest
Walk away with chips in hand and know you’ve done your best!
Aug 29, 2015
Aug 29, 2015 at 9:52 AM UTC
My thoughts are all jumbled and my head remains spinning
Another round is over with neither side winning
It always seems to come from the blind side without warning
And causes an uneasy silence until later the next morning.
Two people who years ago gave life to me
Watch as I regress to a toddler when we disagree
Never physically or intentionally, let me quickly point out
But my voice and pitch grows exponentially as I begin to shout.
They have been there in times of sadness and will continue without fail
No matter how choppy the water gets as I try to set my own sail
I was raised to be independent; to decide what’s right for me
But sometimes it’s hard to tell; is it the chair or me they see?
Independence is what they say like it’s the endpoint on a map
But sometimes I feel stuck, like a golfer’s ball in a sand trap
Decades of difference affect our worldview
They think I am too negative, and yes that might be true.
Oftentimes when these different ideas are spoken aloud
It feels like my perspective is lost and never truly found
Close friends and others understand how my feelings rise
But exclaiming them in every instance really isn’t wise.
In fairness to them, I haven’t made things a snap
My time under their roof really should be at a wrap
These are supposed to be empty nest years
Not for overreacting to everything that I hear.
And in most ways things are good; better than they have ever been
Aides come and assist me; the situation is win-win
We celebrate each other’s success, laugh and joke when we can
Each continuously vowing not to let the whirlpool start again.
Aug 28, 2015
Aug 28, 2015 at 7:55 PM UTC
A bright blue police box spins through the sky
Over 50 years have passed, so no one bothers to ask why.
A Doctor in name, but no medicine dispensed
His adventures defy all common sense.
A Companion is always along for the ride
When the TARDIS lifts off; it’s bigger inside.
Our open-mouthed guide every step of the way
Their first visit extends to a permanent stay
The last of the Timelords or so people say
From a long-distant planet they call Gallifrey
Endlessly loyal with a mind second to none
He has never resolved a dispute with a gun.
He never seems to look the same for more than a few years
A fact that has left some in fits of angry tears
But everyone he’s truly known has felt a deep bond
Just ask Rose, Martha, Donna, Clara, or Amy & Rory Pond
Questioning the world and its traditions, his mind often lingers
On the tasty goodness of custard and fish fingers.
His personality leaves cause for some alienation
But what else can one expect after regeneration?
Friends often follow quickly in his tracks
Like Danny Pink, Madame Vastra, Jenny, & Strax
Otherworldly villains into our imaginations creep
Psychotic snowmen, The Master, Daleks, Cybermen, and unrelenting Angels that Weep
Dinosaurs in London, the Titanic in space
Motorcycles driving up Big Ben fast enough to win a race
Green forests of Sherwood; painting with Van Gogh
He can take us anywhere we want to go
And if when the journey stops your lips begin to quiver
Just breathe deep and imagine the Song of a River
Don’t go off the handle or fly into a rage
Open up a favorite book and tear out the last page.
That way, the stories won’t ever end and we can let them be
Soon another generation will come along to see
How a man whose true name remains unspoken
Can face life’s harshest obstacles and still remain unbroken
Aug 27, 2015
Aug 27, 2015 at 9:47 PM UTC