As I try to find the warmest part of the train station to get a few hours of sleep,
all fails.
As the season changes and leaves adjust to their new color, not even a few quarters can buy a cup of coffee.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for six months straight, no washer, no shower, no anything. I’m too afraid to hold my old McDonald’s iced tea cup to beg for change.
Where did I go wrong? How can I make it out of this lifestyle?
I am ashamed of my appearance in public. I mean look at me, dingy jeans, my yellow shirt that you didn’t even recognize was white.
I hold up the bus with my bags, I bring an unpleasant scent to people’s noses and most of all I *** in my seat.
Most days I try to make it to McDonald’s free coffee mornings.
When I miss it, I drown in my pity and wait another 24 hours.
I crave food, water, and money every second of the day like an addict that can’t go a day without their drug. At night, I only have a small blanket that doesn’t even cover my feet, so I use my stolen cover girl magazines to hide my ashy toes.
Mar 11, 2015
Mar 11, 2015 at 7:39 PM UTC
I can’t see heaven.
I haven’t counted blessings.
I think he hates me.
No peace. No justice.
No war to fight in, I loose.
You win. But I’m the winner.
Love like another breath.
One day it might suffocate.
It won’t resurrect.
How can God tear us.
How can you die and I live.
We are now strangers.
Future and present.
They will both live through the past.
To live I am lost.
Mar 10, 2015
Mar 10, 2015 at 5:19 PM UTC
There has been so much **** I been through my entire life you couldn't understand half of it because you played your role in it as well I pray to God that I have grown up to become wise because otherwise I would have been weeping in my tears over here soul If I sat here and told you the beginning ****** and ending you would think it's pointless for me to do that but that's what happens when you give someone your heart. Two years I wasted. It meant nothing to me lie after lie excuse after excuse I don't even know if you could be honest to yourself. How can you say you love me when you love another girl twice as much. How can you say you want to be with me forever when you practically started a family with another girl. I may not be good at dividing but I'm hella good at adding. I just don't see why you did it. But at the same time I don't understand why boys do half the stuff they do. But yet "these girl ain't loyal" I had your back like like I thought you had mine. So how you think you can just creep back into that locked door and apologize to take me back. 'Naw boo' you had your chance now I'm gone so don't come looking back for love. You hurt me like no other nig** did but it's all good because imma keep on moving be classy and graceful. I don't let no one put fear in my heart neither let me down. I do me 100% I smile, I frown. I sit with my head down but I never let my crown fall. So while you out her "riding and flexing" as what is said nowadays I'm sitting with my legs crossed because that's what a real queen is. I'm not the one that's going to lie to you and tell you that I miss you because there's no more loving me.
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 7:56 PM UTC
The dark spirit of happiness
The cool drift of the wind
Kindness we need in the world
Hatred we have in the world
Fighting and configuring
But we always want more than we need
Blacks and Whites we have variety
We don’t like to meet other races
We rep our hood
In other words que rep nuestra campana
We marry our own race
But why?
We judge and criticize
This is America?
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 7:15 PM UTC
Striking like lightning
Powering like fire
My body screeches for help
What is it yelling for?
Advil?
Aleve?
It doesn’t work
I hope the pain will be washed away like
sand washes from my feet into the ocean
Holding on to dear life
Speechless
Three hours laters later
It’s like i’m resurrected
That pain, the screaming of my weary body.
I forgot that I was having a child
I’m not ready for this
Or maybe I am, when I awake I gazed at a beautiful princess
I am reminded of growing up and a childhood of so much fun.
I am relieved.
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 7:10 PM UTC
When I first saw him My eyes and his eyes matched. Me and him alone. Him staring at my eyes wondering. His glowing smile and smooth face is what caught my attention. When we are holding hands, his love brightens my mood. I smile only because he makes me. How could two people be committed to each other for so long? We're young yet have so much potential. We step into each others shoes. We talk for hours. We text for days. Thinking about him In my daydreams. Counting how many times he says I love you. I feel myself smiling just because I see his text on my phone. Could we really reach this point? Don't all boys act the same? Don't they say the best blessings come when you don't see them coming. God has bless us. Every night we share the same star. A person can be so blind to what is beautiful because perfect is barely anywhere in this world. But when beauty is found, we clutch it. In darkness, it’s the only thing that shines on both of us.
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 7:05 PM UTC
My heart is dripping with so much blood it’s almost gone. Am I dreaming? I don't know why its framed like this. Why did you make decisions to keep us separated? Thanks to you I am so much more than you will ever be able to teach me. Would it be worth trying to cover up for your mistakes and make my life full of depression. Again I think is this pain or joy? But you wouldn’t understand if a child was hurt emotionally, abandoned, adopted, scourged, inspired, looked up to, and being the first priority. But a child who knows how to put their past behind them and tell themselves they still have a future to live a life that has always been accepted for them. Mom, I just want to tell you whether you decide to accept me or decline me in your life, that I will always have people who will always support me, or whether you're standing there to comfort me while my head on your breast or sell me to a family who has never held a black child in their arms, but who is willing to take me and teach me and make me the first priority. You return to take me back in your arms to try to replace those variables in the equations, but to equal all that out I knew there was something missing, there was never an acknowledgement or apology. I try to ask what you thought were overwhelming questions but, all you had was excuses and lies which I didn’t have time for. You never really listened to what I needed to say to you in that short period of time that I laid my last eye on you but, I still had a dream and my whole future planned out for me. I know to myself that It's never too late to forgive you. It's a little too late to start over but, It's never too late to find my dreams and it's certainly never too late to live them out. I can’t tell you how many times I was disappointed and angry because of your absence but, that wasn’t going to affect me any more. When you made your decisions I was making my decisions for myself. Isn’t that what you did? I will love you regardless even though that will be hard to say to you. Mom, I have grown up to become my own self and making decisions for myself even though you weren’t there to help me with those decisions, my life is still headed the right direction. You may say to yourself that I love you. But do you really know what love means? Love isn’t just spelling out L-O-V-E, but its actually committing your time and doing everything to keep your word.
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 7:04 PM UTC
This love is a drug. How do I take it? With water or orange juice in the morning? I see you. Handsome with your cocoa smooth skin. It’s like I overdosed you a little. I kept coming back for more. I couldn’t leave you for a day, a minute, a second. I whispered in your ear “Do you like drugs to?” Maybe you would see us, heavenly affectionate under dusky skies, holding hands, pearly lights above. The royal violet fragrance in the air. Your love is a drug people should try. When you kissed my blush red lips you tasted of sweet apricot. I saw your attraction sprinting like a race car going for first place. I used to say what I liked about you but since those drugs got to me I expressed what I loved about you. Three, four pills; seven, eight, nine kills. Do I keep going? You make me feel infinite. No pain whatsoever.
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 7:00 PM UTC
Drifting through daylight
Counting times you have me laugh, daydreaming
We could be that married couple that fights, and argues but yet we sip champagne in the night.
We love each other eternally yet I hate you at my boiling point. They say to be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
That was certainly us.
Two years.
People were jealous; said that we weren’t going to make it, we were never meant to be together.
I started to fall for it.
God, he was the one who gave me signs.
We’d both get angry when we didn’t see each other
You’ve always told me that my eyes showed more than my pain
My light brown hazel eyes blocked everyone else from your life
You stared for days, complementing that flower bomb scent
My Valentine
I saw your scarred, crushed heart, as you saw mine
We were like two broken worlds that collided to make a healing world, slowly and unrecognizable.
My beautiful nightmare I’ll think about you in my deepest dreams
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 6:59 PM UTC
I tear through your imagination, your fear to reveal you past with me, your flesh in spirit. You talk to me through prayers. I listen. All the pain is gone that was destroying you through life. I miss your smile. It’s like I closed my eyes and opened them and you were no longer there cuddling me. I am no longer running around in pampers, your little lightskinned girl who you loved. The girl you watched sesame street with I dropped to the floor as if there is an abyss. You were there through my needs and my wants. When you needed me the most I failed. I’ve always heard the term what is done in the dark will come to light. When you fleshed away in the dark it affected me in the light. Im sorry of my selfish ways. How could my love be so strong but yet so ignorant? I would give everything for you to be with me. Sometimes I just want to sit at night in the darkest hour and cry for you.
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 6:58 PM UTC