I remember a moment in time where I felt
And so deeply, so horrifyingly deep like the vastness of space
That you were the solution to my existential problem of my existence in a world I didn’t particularly want to be a part of
Remembering the way you made me feel
That after a life of wondering
I had found a place to call home
It wasn’t the four walls, the driveway or the yard
No, I found my home at 3:30 in the morning stumbling over you in the dark
Opening the bedroom door to the hallway slowly
As to not wake you up as the light shined off your face
And I could see, for the first time
While I stood there staring at you, sleeping
Tucked into my bed wrapped in fuzzy blankets from your youth
It was probably only a second but to me it felt like an eternity
I could only find the ability to deeply exhale in a moment of pure bliss
Watching you crinkle your face slightly as the light hit you.
You didn’t stir
But something in me did
Something inside me awoke for the first time since the last time years ago
When I had you in my bed, doing the same thing I was then.
I don’t know what I thought I'd feel
I think part of me hoped nothing would have changed
That the love I had for you stood stronger than the test of time
That all that time I spent talking to you in my mirror
Would be worth it, and I wouldn’t have been crazy
It’s funny
Funny the way life works out
Because now
When I wake up, I find myself reaching out
To nothing
There’s always a moment, even if just a second
Where I think, maybe I'll wake up from this and you’ll be there
You tend to come in and out of my life
But when you come back
You seem to be the alarm clock that breaks the silence of my mind
And bring me back to the real world
But I’m starting to believe
That maybe I’ve always been awake
You are only a dream.
Jul 26, 2020
Jul 26, 2020 at 6:04 PM UTC
Everything will be okay.
I tell myself as I lay my head on my pillow
For the first time in a long time, completely alone
Everything will be okay.
I tell myself as I choke on the despair and feel the weight of my loneliness slowly pushing me further into my bed
Everything will be okay.
I tell myself every hour on the hour as I hear the clock tick in the background, like a bomb waiting to go off in my chest.
Everything will be okay.
As the days pass, and the pain becomes more of a companion, more of a friend I’ve known a few times before, back for a visit.
Everything will be okay.
I tell myself as I wait around a phone for a call or message , that deep down I know isn’t coming, or if it even did, it doesn’t matter.
Everything will be okay.
As I become numb, like a zombie living my days in a life I can’t find the meaning in.
Everything will be okay.
I lie to myself, as they all lie to me, because everything, everything is not okay.
Sep 5, 2019
Sep 5, 2019 at 4:59 PM UTC
life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he drained his glass of purpose
she watched as he paid and turned to leave
his movements proving his point
for what real purpose do we have
when all we do is live and die
and whisper to deities in the sky.
life is a cosmic joke
she said
when the till was short again
and drinks were missing from their bottles
as meaning was from her existence
he watched as she left
for the very last time
from a job that she hated
like the life he despised
life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he lit up his last cigarette
and sat in the cold outside his bar
next to a homeless man
with as little hope of a good long life
as anyone else he'd ever met
in a world of perpetual sunset
life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he warmed his hands
over a dying fire
with a young man
who was lost or some such
he took the ragged gloves off his hands
and tried to feel his fingers again
in vain
as all the world is
in trying to find some hidden bliss
life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he crossed another identical street
next to a woman or maybe a girl
who was crying about a lost lover
he walked and he wandered
but he never found it
even with all his persistence
as we never find meaning for our existence
life is a cosmic joke
she said
as she wept into my hair
mascara running down her cheeks
as she told of her terrible break up
and the way he used to hit her
and how she was glad he was gone
but how she wished he would come back
her indecision mirroring that of all the world
do we matter or are we matter
which illusion is left to shatter
life is a cosmic joke
I wrote
over and over
like some meaningful quote
as if it mattered if it was in a poem
or if someone read it
it doesn't need to be said
to be known
it stands on its own
life is a cosmic joke
Oct 5, 2015
Oct 5, 2015 at 8:13 PM UTC
Wind makes us sway
like dancing trees in the rain
washing away the pain of tomorrow and yesterday
dreams of bigger and better on the horizon
But falling farther and farther from reason
Questions as i see your phantom pass me'
yet you are alive, and you here with me just a fantasy
where has the time gone?
Long passed the time where you thought of me
for now i am nothing
Just a distant memory
Sep 9, 2015
Sep 9, 2015 at 3:00 PM UTC
A tap tap tap on my window
Startles me from my deep sleep
But as I look out silence only follows
I move slowly through the still night air
Wondering, pondering, "who is there?"
My mind it starts to reel,
The tension you can surely feel
But nothing
Not a sound not a noise
Not a step, not a voice
I lay myself back to sleep
Look to the pillow beside me
Empty, so empty like the room I see
A tap tap tap at my window
And now I start to see
Its only the windy night and dead trees
That wants to say hello to me
Jul 26, 2015
Jul 26, 2015 at 5:15 PM UTC
I found comfort in your presense
I found purpose in your eyes
I found a place to rest my head
until the sun would rise
I found a place I could call home
I found a place I'd never known
I found a place I now could hold
I found a burst, a flare, nothing no words to compare
I found my happiness in your expressions
your small quirks the left me breathless
I found you but at the wrong time
Jul 10, 2015
Jul 10, 2015 at 5:03 PM UTC
Did you know
That life would end like this?
Did you know
You were killing yourself ever so slowly?
Did you know
We all knew your pain you couldn't even see?
Did you know
in the last moments of silence
the pain you'd leave
Did you know
you where going to die that night, as you slowly lost control
Did you ever see
your choices weren't killing just you, but also me?
Did you know,
you where a brother to me?
Did you know
as we lowered you into the ground that that night was the last you'd see?
Jul 8, 2015
Jul 8, 2015 at 2:07 PM UTC