Goodbye.
There are nights where I imagine crashing my car.
It’s dark. My headlights are the only thing I see.
I suddenly realize how easy it could be to drive off the road, to flip the car and say goodbye.
Goodbye.
I would have never guessed at the age of six, I’d be gay and depressed.
I never knew my wrists would scream the way they do.
I never knew the only way I’d get through the day is a handful of pills.
Goodbye.
I won’t be missed.
My soul will spread within the wind and forever be as scattered as I lived.
Sep 27, 2017
Sep 27, 2017 at 10:52 PM UTC
No one is ever going to love you.
I tell myself these things because I know it's true.
The weight of possibly someone loving me gave me false hope.
I fell in love before, not even with someone I dated, but with someone I saw.
She isn't the girl I spent 5 years with.
She's the girl who brings me books, and calls me sweet names.
No one is going to love me.
She's the girl who makes my problems float above my head, almost invisible.
The smile I wear isn't fake.
When her hand holds mine, I feel like a giddy school girl.
No one will ever love me.
I'm not someone who has loving friends.
I'm someone who allows myself to be pushed.
My bones break, and my chest is tight.
She will never love me.
I pushed her away because my disorder and mind is too heavy to hold.
She will never invite me to hang out, or have fun.
I have to accept this.
Aug 3, 2017
Aug 3, 2017 at 9:27 PM UTC
In advance
Because what I'm about to tell you won't make you dance
You see
I've dealt with heartbreak and I plea
I plea because for some reasons the one time I give heartbreak back
It suddenly hits my face with a smack
Maybe I shouldn't pretend that I'm something I'm not
Maybe I'm not cut out to be what my parents said I ought
She was someone to me
She was someone who actually knew who they wanted to be
You see
She was my star
She asked me and I bashed her down, creating an even bigger scar
I was nervous
I was afraid to love again
She swept me off my feet and taught me to feel even when I no longer felt the desire then
What I did to her I can still feel in my veins
I've brought a knife and carved her name
I lost the one person who liked me as me
You see
I would like to apologize in advance
For what I've told you won't make you dance
Jul 9, 2017
Jul 9, 2017 at 1:10 AM UTC
We met in 5th grade from a dare
You and I both had strawberry colored hair
I had blue eyes, but yours always reminded me of jade
You told me you'd always come to my aid
Remember when you told me who you were born to be?
And we both got on the topic about becoming free
You would let me call you late during the night
But if you were caught up too late your parents would bite
They weren't nice to you
I remember the day you came to school with your entire face blue
For years I wrapped myself around your traits
Drowning myself in the ***** feeling you gave off
Soon you realized how difficult my disorder was
You told me our fight had to do with me being the cause
For the first time I saw the crimson red I remembered you spoke of before
You found out and from then on you swore
We were too close to be torn apart
It felt like the only true thing connected was our heart
We both dealt with bullies and people who didn't understand why we wanted to be different
We could hear all the whispering
They didn't phase me and you
But as we neared 7th grade, everything turned blue
I then introduced you to her
You seemed happier than you ever were
I remember seeing her cheat on you
You told everyone you had to leave school because of the flu
If I had listened
If I hadn't created such a distance
I wouldn't still be seeing the crimson red
The obsession that you left behind for me to spread
Jul 9, 2017
Jul 9, 2017 at 12:50 AM UTC
I'm not me.
I may be you.
Or her.
Or him.
Or them.
But I'm not me.
My chest aches with the feeling of wanting to be belonged.
My heart aches with the feeling of wanting to be loved the way that I love.
My head aches because I want to scream.
While my bones turn to jelly, and my thoughts turn to suicide.
Everynight is long.
Everyday is tiring.
I wish you'd understand that my brain aches for something I don't believe I have.
You may think, that I am insane. Or considering I'm technically you, I may think I am insane.
These personalities swarm me, and I've never known myself.
Someone may love your laugh because it's unique. The way your nose cringed because of a smell. The way your eyes sparkle when you see something exciting.
Those are traits that make you .. you.
I'm swarmed. You have something to call you're own.
I'm not me. You have something to grow off of.
I may be you. You have something that people will love.
Or her. You have something people will come back for.
Or him. You have something that won't run.
Or them. You have something that makes you unique.
But I'm not me. You have something that I want.
Jul 8, 2017
Jul 8, 2017 at 4:33 PM UTC
You keep coming to me in a dream
This dream is bright
and the room walls are your bed room, soft and colored cream
You keep coming to me in a dream
This dream is sad
and you sat me down to explain a scheme
You keep coming to me in a dream
This dream is scary
and you're bleeding again, you scream at me
You tell me they won't ever understand
The way my brain is, the reason we fought before, is the reason no one will stand me
You keep coming to me in a dream
This dream is heartbreaking
You stand before me and ask me to join you
And I remembered when you were alive and blue
You were me when you were here
The way I feel is the way you felt before you disappeared
Maybe I should join you
My world would no longer be blue, and I'd finally be with you
You keep coming to me in a dream
This dream is the last
Even though I wanted to say yes, my mouth said no
You smiled softly
Your green eyes were in pain
You stopped coming to me in a dream
This dream is quiet
I miss you and your eyes
I should have said yes, and we would have never said goodbye
Jul 8, 2017
Jul 8, 2017 at 4:31 PM UTC
When you fail at loving others, you won't think of suicide.
Because suicide is the imaginary house you built with her.
Suicide is the family and life you built with her in the late night time.
When you fail, you will hide all the knives in your house.
If you get your hands on them, you'll carve her name into every surface you can reach. This includes yourself.
Her smile is almost equivalent to kittens, I say almost because kittens couldn't light your heart on fire like her smile does.
The few times you've touched her hair, will be the few times you remember so late at night when your demons are suffocating you.
You always got mad when she spoke bad about herself.
If she loved someone as imperfect as you, how did she hate herself?
Its all silly thoughts.
She never loved herself, but loved every inch of you.
But, you are the same. You loved absolutely every inch of her. But never loved yourself.
She was the cream and sweet touch to every scar upon your thighs and arms.
She melted you down and made you feel good.
That one day you lost her. And guilt spreads in your chest like a cage trying to contain a garden of thorns.
Your stomach rumbles of hunger, but you're not hungry.
You resist eating, and your stomach is ripping from the inside.
Her hair, her smile, rips you apart more than your stomach.
More than the guilt that is spreading in your chest.
When she doesn't answer your messages, you can see yourself on the 32nd floor of a building.
You watch as your own heart jumps out of your chest and commits suicide on the pavement.
You are sorry for being a failure to such a beautiful ray of sun.
Her eyes will wonder to others, while yours will continue to stay on her.
Even though she took your mind off your tics, and disorders.
Even though she made you feel safe, almost as though you stopped suffocating.
You have to smile, because she smiles.
And God, you love that smile.
Jul 8, 2017
Jul 8, 2017 at 4:29 PM UTC