The person I see in the mirror is not me.
I hear you say “how can that be?”
The answer is simple; the demon inside has taken my place,
it punches my skin and tells me that I’m the biggest disgrace.
My arms are stained red and my mascara has run like a river,
I discover the monster that's where I should be with a shiver.
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 12:17 PM UTC
I miss the little girl you used to be,
you're now just a shell of who I used to see.
Your eyes used to twinkle as you found something funny,
but now they are dead and you barely smile, honey.
You used to dream the impossible and had hope in your heart,
but I've seen the way the world broke you - now destruction is your art.
You couldn't be protected from the evil presence,
so you escape reality with the drugs that give you pleasance.
You used to cry when you grazed your knees on the floor,
but now you don't even flinch when you cut your wrists to the core.
You used to ask why people would want to die,
but now you understand all too well as you lay in bed and cry.
You used to pretend tic tacs were medicine as you popped them on your tongue,
but now you sit with hundreds of pills in your hand wondering whether life is worth it; you're only young.
You used to be full of life and enjoyed most of your days,
but now you're dead behind your mask and you're always in a daze.
He may have won the last eleven battles as you tried to end your life,
but I am telling you that you will win this war this time and above him you shall rise.
I miss the little girl you used to be,
you're now just a shell of who I used to see.
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 12:16 PM UTC
people tell themselves lies
the past was better
it could have been
it should have been
something good and clean is coming
just beyond the next door
or wreckage is sure to be found
dwelling on ***** footprints left on clean floors
or ruminating on memories of accomplishment
all prove pointless
closed eyes draw up decor plans of imaginary next moves
a chess game never played
bringing blame and hate
to every stage, and every game
appreciate the room that needs work
floors to be mopped
shelves to be dusted
windows to be cleaned
that brings hope
books sitting in shadows should be given light
I may not leave it all behind in a search for nothing
but I hope to leave enough
enough to l know I've passed
enough to know I was there
to know I cared
a little anyway
enough to search for more
beyond open doors
past nonchalant glances
and end-zone dances
towards high-fisted rewards
and self assured back pats
just for now
I want nothing
just for now
I have everything
just for now
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 12:12 PM UTC
Amid fear and suspicions,
with agitated mind and frightened eyes,
we melt and plan how to act
to avoid the certain
danger that so horribly threatens us.
And yet we err, this was not in our paths;
the messages were false
(or we did not hear, or fully understand them).
Another catastrophe, one we never imagined,
sudden, precipitous, falls upon us,
and unprepared -- there is no more time -- carries us off.
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 12:00 PM UTC
I wish,
I could keep you
Free from endless fear.
I wish,
I could save you
From the never ending tears.
I wish,
I could tell you
All the stories of my years.
To insure you,
You aren't
Alone.
-ARI
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 12:00 PM UTC
i want the feeling
the press and the weight and the grip and the fingernails;
the hair and the burn, the neck and the throat;
the gaze and the tears, the lips, the mouth, the spit
the tongue and the teeth (the fangs
and the bite);
the kiss and the lick, the grinding, the pushing and the
circles of the hips,
the fat of the thighs and the brush of the ankles;
i want the liquid and the hard, the sticky and the sore,
the pain and the sting and the ecstasy of the pleasure;
i want the eye rolls and the sighs and
the gasps and the moans and the screams and the whispers;
i want the banging of the bones and the rubbing of the skin,
the crashing of the waves, the rumble of the storm and the
hissing of the breeze.
i want to meld the two of us together until we become a thousand,
and to never cease sipping on this wine of heedless madness
that we blindly drown in.
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 11:59 AM UTC
for so long
time felt long
the world felt smaller
and continuously getting smaller
scarier
tinier
to the point where under a microscope we were non-existent
all of us
our intricate lives
layed out on a map
unvarying and predictable
shapes and blocks
moving around
perpetually abiding by a broken system
a broken record
spinning
repeating the same words
same stories
differences and nuances blurred
things are only what they seem
lenses turned only to one dial
afraid to look further
in fear that its only imagination
or fear that imagination
is a waste of time even
after a lifetime
of passion
of poetry
the world became passionless
dull
and i believed
that is how it was
and how it ought to be
if we were going to
"get anything done"
now i see
or am starting to
that life isn't about doing things
it's about the feelings
the little nuances
the little notes
the little faces
the little smiles
i forgot to smile at strangers
or i tried
but i couldn't
it all seemed so pointless
drowning in the world's sorrow
is a serious endeavor
one that requires another type of imagination
one that imagines
the pain in everyones life
and in every ****** expression
detecting scorn and contempt
could not to love too much
unable to be enthusiastic
the world seemed
too sad
my heart
had no energy for beautiful things
i cant deny that i saw those beautiful gems
in people helping each other
in an animals' eyes
in a book or a speech
in a person's kindness
but all the muchness was gone
and for every sadness
i couldn't be the change
i didn't believe that i could
that i was powerful
even if i wanted to
believe that i was beautiful
or that i was important
or that anything was
and maybe i will never know
based on a scientific proof
or spiritual realization
but i will know some truth
from somewhere deep inside me
so i will keep on searching
in the world that is now expanding
opening up to me like a flower
spreading it's arms open wide to a big hug
taking off its layers for me so i can see the blossoms inside
the intricate details of life
my lens is shifting and changes are coming
changes
i am looking for the changes
Jan 5, 2016
Jan 5, 2016 at 11:59 AM UTC
Apathy is dripping from all our lips
As we **** on this universal life force
And ignore each other
The air resting around us
Like stale breath
Is quiet and dying around us
My eyes are so heavy
They no longer see past what’s in front of me
When I see leaves, I only see leaves
When I see laughter, I don’t see behind it tears
I’m hiding underneath layers of skin
Within me is a soul wrapped up in a body
Feels trapped
I am the only key out of this apathy
But it’s like nothing can wake me from this deep slumber
My heart is sinking
There’s an anchor pulling me down
And a storm brewing in my eyes
When I speak I spit saltwater
Some days my imagination runs wild in forests and galaxies
And other days my mind can’t walk past the sidewalk at my feet or the covers on my bed
So many spiritual walls up barring me from taking care of myself
How can I let anyone else in?
She always thinks there’s a problem with me and my head
Everytime I tell her the dark clouds over my head
She seems to think that sometimes they forever disappear
And when I can push them away for a while
She reminds me that they’re there
I can’t tell her how to fix me
Even though she so badly wants to
Nobody wants to be with me
but neither do I
Any sign of love and care and I reject it
Violence and pain is the only thing that feels right
*** and drugs, alcohol and pain…. Those images in my head make me happier than anything else
I know how crazy it is that I believe that, but I’m just so lost
Nothing feels interesting
I don’t want to be any person, but me
But I don’t feel like myself at all
I feel so stranded from reality
So disassociated from life itself
I feel like I’m on a thin string hanging upside down
All the blood is rushing to my head
Everything is outside my door
But if I leave I have to wake up and move
And that’s too hard to do sometimes
I get so angry
Whenever I decide not to leave my room
When I don’t move
The demons in me wake up and dance
And I feel worse
Because I make the house shake
And hearts ache
I secretly wish she would come to my room
And say sorry for earlier
But I wouldn’t be there
This room isn’t mine right now
It’s invaded by germs
By bacteria
Infected with negative ions
I am defracting all light
Staring into a flat screen all day
Wishing my life away
The only thing I can understand is this depression
This obsession with sadness
This veiled madness
Writing doesn’t even stop the pain
Dec 29, 2015
Dec 29, 2015 at 6:24 PM UTC
Pale-faced and numb, i lay in bed tossing and turning through the hours
Sheets and blankets flung around
anger and guilt twisted around mixed in with blood rushing through body not reaching head
blinds are closed and little light is let into the room
the dog lays next to me
the laziness echoes throughout the house on a workless Tuesday
and my soul is out
gone fishing
there are many things to do palces to go
only if I had someone to go with
only if there were enough hours in the day to rewrite or revive the life im living
breathe some spirit into
this metiocracy
this routine
the cheese grater questions
the cheese grater conversations
that peel my skin off by the layer
the howl that I hear in a distant forest, country, school, classroom,
a long gone excitement and looking forward towards something great
a long list of withered hellos and goodbyes
a long list of dullness
boredom
and painfully tired moments
painful haunting blandness
living in the past, in the bed of my own bad decisions
the harvest I have planted, sown, and watered
the reaping is not what I wanted
the harvest is gross and wiltered
the fruit is not juicy
this heavy sensation of wrong
wrong directions
turns
and paths
led me to this point
and you’re supposed to know that sooner or later there will be other paths
opportunities
you just have to see them, find them, care enough
emptiness has invaded the space where curiosity used to bloom
and maybe happiness flies down like a bird sometimes and sings in the cage that is my heart
but her feathers don’t get too comfortable
and away she flies into the lonely night
leaving me nothing but the stars that paint the sky
the colors of my fingertips paint everything blue
and the patterns that fall out of my mouth come out like abc blocks
too structured and sharp
cutting my own mouth
my words taste like quiet
and feet could take me anywhere on a summer day
but they prefer mattresses with blankets and sheets
and it seems like I prefer sadness
Dec 29, 2015
Dec 29, 2015 at 6:20 PM UTC
Sadness sits in cheeks that knew nothing but happiness
Smiles too wide for this world
Arms too big, too much love and judgment but it scared away the demons
The dementors finally found my heart
And plumped my body with rage
Against myself I waged a war
And eventually
No one won
Everyone went home injured
And my eyes were scared with knowing
That things can’t be and will never be perfect
I trained myself to find imperfections
And reasons to be afraid
So I would never be too happy
Too up in the air
Judged myself so much that I didn't realize that you could be happy and aware at the same time
someone I used to be friends with
named optimism
told me
that awareness wasn't supposed to drag you deep down into the depths of the underground
My happiness was also stemming from fear of being totally alone in my own head, my own space, or in the world- on the street or in a car for too long
So I guess the war left me in crutches, but it also left me stronger
And I didn’t **** anyone, nobody killed me
My joy is still there
Somewhere
Buried under the rubble of buildings fallen
Foundations cracked
I still fake happiness
Fake the joy
Do the job
Try to save the world
And most of it isn’t fake, it’s not fake
It’s just effort
It’s conciosness
Dec 29, 2015
Dec 29, 2015 at 6:18 PM UTC