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thatesotericgirl
Poems1
Words171
How strange For the chemical composition of my brain to be so dependent upon the countenance of someone who doesn’t even know my name My name is my identity I am certain I know the ingredients of your soul, and yet to not know my name is almost as if you do not acknowledge the existence of mine A stranger who can bypass every measure engineered to keep me stable I feel like an imbecile, giving a thief the key to break into my house Except it is self-inflicted You are not a thief —you never asked to be let in So why am I falling apart? It’s a game A cruel game, really A race to indifference, except no one is running beside me And I am above ground If I stopped I would certainly fall to my death I wish to love you out loud, with all of my being But that’s weird So instead I will look for you in every room I enter I will wait to see you knit your brows in that adorable way you do when someone says something that confounds you I will hold my breath until you do something that reminds me why I fell in love with you And my love will crescendo with every endearing action I will timetable my stares And pray you are doing the same But you are not. I see you and my longing deepens I feel my love pour into me like crimson out of a crystal decanter Meanwhile, is your love diminishing? When you smile, I yearn for your soul When I smile, do you wish I were dead? Or worse…do you feel nothing at all? I want to trace the map of your idiosyncrasies ‘X’ marks the spot is my love to the power of infinity I crave the intimacy of understanding on a cellular level I want to lay on your chest and feel your heartbeat and know that you are real and I am real and my love was justified all along Even when I had no clear indication you were anything but a projection of my overzealous mind I think you looked at me But it was in a public setting so I cannot be certain In a room of so many souls, how can I be sure it is mine you are speculating about What do I do with the earth-shattering possibility that you are not? Moments like these are worse than rejection because they give me hope I find I must balance the hope blossoming in my chest in one hand with the weight of reality in the other But my heart is in my hand So one of them has to give If only you’d take it from me I am ashamed Do others feel things so deeply Or is it just I, meandering with this bottomless well of love in me With no one to draw from me and lighten my load Sometimes my love takes a hold of me and wraps around me so tightly, my vision stars Have you noticed? I feel it leaking out of my orifices Ultimately, I will wait Perched at the rock within my mind And when you walk in and illuminate everyone and everything I will hope your light reaches me How sad The pain of yearning for a light that will never shine on me
0
Apr 7, 2025
Apr 7, 2025 at 8:52 PM UTC
thatesotericgirl
Helianthus
How strange For the chemical composition of my brain to be so dependent upon the countenance of someone who doesn’t even know my name My name is my identity I am certain I know the ingredients of your soul, and yet to not know my name is almost as if you do not acknowledge the existence of mine A stranger who can bypass every measure engineered to keep me stable I feel like an imbecile, giving a thief the key to break into my house Except it is self-inflicted You are not a thief —you never asked to be let in So why am I falling apart? It’s a game A cruel game, really A race to indifference, except no one is running beside me And I am above ground If I stopped I would certainly fall to my death I wish to love you out loud, with all of my being But that’s weird So instead I will look for you in every room I enter I will wait to see you knit your brows in that adorable way you do when someone says something that confounds you I will hold my breath until you do something that reminds me why I fell in love with you And my love will crescendo with every endearing action I will timetable my stares And pray you are doing the same But you are not. I see you and my longing deepens I feel my love pour into me like crimson out of a crystal decanter Meanwhile, is your love diminishing? When you smile, I yearn for your soul When I smile, do you wish I were dead? Or worse…do you feel nothing at all? I want to trace the map of your idiosyncrasies ‘X’ marks the spot is my love to the power of infinity I crave the intimacy of understanding on a cellular level I want to lay on your chest and feel your heartbeat and know that you are real and I am real and my love was justified all along Even when I had no clear indication you were anything but a projection of my overzealous mind I think you looked at me But it was in a public setting so I cannot be certain In a room of so many souls, how can I be sure it is mine you are speculating about What do I do with the earth-shattering possibility that you are not? Moments like these are worse than rejection because they give me hope I find I must balance the hope blossoming in my chest in one hand with the weight of reality in the other But my heart is in my hand So one of them has to give If only you’d take it from me I am ashamed Do others feel things so deeply Or is it just I, meandering with this bottomless well of love in me With no one to draw from me and lighten my load Sometimes my love takes a hold of me and wraps around me so tightly, my vision stars Have you noticed? I feel it leaking out of my orifices Ultimately, I will wait Perched at the rock within my mind And when you walk in and illuminate everyone and everything I will hope your light reaches me How sad The pain of yearning for a light that will never shine on me
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