So many letters I've written you that I will never send
So many words that I have left unsaid
So many times I've tried to explain how much I regret that goodbye
So many calls that you won't answer, no matter how much I try
So many tears i've shed while you've been gone
So many songs I sing about you that you will never hear
So many kisses i've been missing
So many hugs i've been needing
So many hours i've been waiting
So many minutes I could have spent with you
So many thoughts hassling me through the days
So many shots i've been taking
So many memories I can't forget
So many cigarettes I've been smoking
So many regrets
So many hopeless nights
So many sleepless weeks
So many pills to get me up in the mornings and put me to bed at night
So many wishes that weren't granted
So many scratch offs that I lost
So many ways I see differently
So many months that have gone by without seeing your face
So many possibilities that you don't feel this way
So many doubts going through my mind
So many lies on lies on lies
So many confessions of my love for you
So many, but never enough
So many changes i've gone through, but my love never strays
So many people in this world to pick and choose
So many eyes with different perspectives
So many lips with different tastes
So many kinds of love, but I still long for your familiar face
Jan 22, 2015
Jan 22, 2015 at 11:15 AM UTC
All I know is pain,
and I breathe it like the air.
The voices cry relentlessly,
but frankly, I don't care.
I try to shut them all away,
to put them all aside.
There's no way I can run from them,
there's just nowhere to hide.
All I know is pain,
and I see it in my eyes.
I look into the mirror
and it takes me by surprise.
The person looking back,
she doesn't look like me at all.
How can I know all that I know
and still be standing tall?
How can I still fill up my lungs
and go on with my day?
I'd rather fill them up with tar,
and burn myself away.
Instead I fight,
put on a mask,
no matter what they say.
Cause pain is all I've ever known,
I'll smile anyway.
This constant battle, every day,
it blinds me when I see,
the person I've been up against
was no one else but me.
Don't try to open up to me,
you wouldn't understand.
The words you say won't make me change,
so please just hold my hand.
I know what's wrong and know it well,
'cause wrong is all I know.
No, I don't want your cheap advice,
if you stay, that must go.
I've heard it all before, you know,
there's nothing more to say.
So please just hold my hand instead.
Please, just for today.
But careful, don't you get too close,
my heart's an empty void.
You'll get ****** in the nothingness
that i'm still trying to avoid.
Pain is all i've ever known,
and that's how it will stay.
Cause even though it hurts me so,
It's what's kept me alive to this day.
Jan 22, 2015
Jan 22, 2015 at 10:00 AM UTC
He says there are some things he'd rather not remember,
as he tosses back another,
and I couldn't disagree more.
Because I know what it's like to forget.
I know what it's like to wake up the next day,
having to be told.
I hear two different stories,
what am I supposed to believe?
Which one is the lie?
But I am smarter than to believe his lie,
no matter how much I want to,
no matter how much easier it would be.
I know what it's like,
to be told the about worst thing that's ever happened to me
rather than experiencing it,
to imagine it over and over again,
but never remembering it,
never knowing the entire truth.
And I would rather go through it a million more times than to keep living with this doubt,
with this night that has escaped my mind.
So I'll put the cup down,
There are some things I would rather remember.
Jan 22, 2015
Jan 22, 2015 at 6:21 AM UTC
Happiness.
All in a single moment,
you know you are content.
It could be anything, little things.
Like the sound of the ocean, a wave crashing on the shore.
Or the sound of his voice telling you to look in his eyes.
Or the hug of a friend that you’ve missed for a long time.
All different moments giving the same effect.
Never lasting, temporary, existing only in the memories that linger in your mind. Memories of the past, of things you can’t get back.
Sadness.
Longer than a moment,
more of a realization.
It could come and haunt you, reminding you of the things you have lost.
And it captivates you, possesses you, changes you.
And you know it at first, but then you get used to it,
welcome it even.
You grow comfortable with crying yourself to sleep, and maybe taking a pill or two…
or three.
And you come to wonder if one day you’ll take them all at once.
The sadness is there, constantly.
And it always will be.
That’s the difference between sadness and happiness.
Happiness is composed of moments that, inevitably, end.
But those moments, so beautiful, so worth the pain that may come.
Come what may.
If there is love, there is hate.
If there is light, there is day.
And if there’s a gun, there’s a target.
And everything has it’s opposite.
And there’s another side of the moon that we will never see standing outside our homes, no matter how much we gaze at the sky.
But in the light of the moon we see the good, and with a gun in our hand we see the bad.
But if there is hate, we must know,
there will always be love.
And what is love if not the flame to the fire that ignites the happiness within us? What a bittersweet feeling that question leaves, asking me to see the truth. That happiness would not exist without sadness. That love would be meaningless without hate. That we wouldn't need the gun if we didn’t have to protect ourselves. That we see enough hate in the eyes of our enemy that death would be acceptable.
That life wouldn't be life without death.
Jan 22, 2015
Jan 22, 2015 at 5:40 AM UTC