there's a heavy weight
an empty kind of ache
crushing my lungs
you walked away
blinking back tears
but you loved me with such ease
in ways i never could
and my heart is fragments in my hand
reaching out to you
my voice catching in my throat
knowing you were saving me one last time
knowing that you walking away meant i didn't have to
i'll miss you
Jan 30, 2017
Jan 30, 2017 at 2:32 PM UTC
My coffee always gets cold
before I can finish it,
my heart stutters
when I forget to breathe,
too busy watching the world go by
wondering where I fit into it,
my coffee always gets cold
before I can finish it,
and the day is over
before I can open my eyes,
and life goes on without me
while I sit,
with cold coffee.
Mar 22, 2016
Mar 22, 2016 at 11:58 PM UTC
Would you believe me if I told you
the reason I have to say goodbye,
is because I love you
too much?
I wake up every morning,
the same way I fell asleep:
tangled in sheets and you.
You are the start and end of all my stories.
I smell you on my skin.
Hear your laugh when I read something funny.
You are embedded in all my senses.
Until yesterday
driving down the highway alone,
mountains on all sides
piercing the blue sky,
I did not know what the world was
without you.
Would you believe me if I told you
I've got no room in my heart
for me, because I'm too full
of you?
Mar 20, 2016
Mar 20, 2016 at 8:47 PM UTC
Three years now
I have started off
Pressed into your lips
Two years now
February has been my personal hell
And you held my hand
One summer now
We didn't make it all the way
And you kissed my hand goodbye
I don't know how many nights
I have cried to you
And you don't know
How many of those nights
I cried about you
Mar 11, 2016
Mar 11, 2016 at 4:01 PM UTC
I like
to stand at the base of mountains
and wonder why I am here,
They are wonders of the earth
and blessings to my soul,
I like
to climb atop those mountains,
And although I have
never been religious
when I stand on top
of my small world
my heart is filled
with some unworldly power,
And if that is what He feels like,
Then I believe.
Mar 11, 2016
Mar 11, 2016 at 3:36 PM UTC
I know you hear the echo of my emptiness
when we sit in silence.
I know you see the vacancy
when our eyes are shut.
And I know you think you made It
when you tiptoe
around my fragility.
But it is not your fault
like you always assume.
And you are not responsible
for fixing or filling.
Because you are infinitely more
than my heart will ever be able to hold.
And I'm so, so sorry
but I don't know why
it isn't enough.
Jan 25, 2016
Jan 25, 2016 at 1:04 AM UTC
i used to love the ocean
i used to be very good at swimming
the day i learned how to drown
made me love the ocean a little bit less
now the salty water will creep in
even god can't change the tides
my lungs will fill with blue
like they always do
and i will lie awash in waves
thinking it is the sky
Dec 6, 2015
Dec 6, 2015 at 2:26 AM UTC
the emptiness i feel
a gaping hole in my center
is not relief like they suggest
the bursting in my heart
the tearing, searing feeling
is not happiness or new found holiness
today was not the resolution
but another day in hell
the hottest yet
what happens in 9 weeks
does not go away in one day
i did not want to remember today
how it felt, what it looked like
but now i feel robbed by the anesthetic and ativan
i do not have the closure
how do i mourn what felt like a dream
suffocating guilt
unbearable loneliness
and so much red.
Feb 21, 2015
Feb 21, 2015 at 2:13 AM UTC
my knees and ******* protrude
from the still water
like mountains in countries I've never seen
I have always hated
since the time I surpassed the length of the tub
that I could not stretch out
my body looks alien
I don't recognize
the bends and angles
I'm disconnected from my finger tips
as they make ripples
break the surface tension that
holds my brain
holds my soul
the blue ribbon holding me in this porcelain box
I am washed with all my thoughts
my plans I have not made
and when I stand
dripping and cold
I am *****
and as I towel myself
I drain and redraw the tub
again
and again
until I am clean.
May 30, 2014
May 30, 2014 at 1:45 AM UTC
I never used to like definitely maybes
but I'm about to walk off the edge of my Earth
slowly, two steps forward, one step back
and all I can think of is indefinite outcomes
he is the only instance where YES
tumbles out of my mouth
tripping over my teeth
and falling on his tongue
but even then
my map is creased in all the wrong places
and never folds back to a functioning square
we link fingers and run with steps lacking synchronicity
I sometimes jump when he lands
he screams when I want to whisper
and I often want to go left at his right
and I will, one day soon
when I get the courage to unfold his kind of clammy hands
from my shaky fist
but I'm scared
of having cold fingers.
Apr 28, 2014
Apr 28, 2014 at 11:09 PM UTC