it’s been so long since i have seen you
we fill the awkward spaces of silence with random talk
or mean stabs, and old memories, or inside jokes we have forged into our deep memory. your promises are honey to ears.
they soothe and fill every crack i’ve had
on my skin, on my heart
every surface is yearning for your touch
like a firework needing the lighter
i cannot control myself around you
you make me an utter chaos of lip biting
of face scratching, of leg bouncing, of nail biting, of fidgeting with my earring
and then you leave so abruptly
there i am, in my bed
protected by a wall of pillows to block out all of the world
blocking out every knock on my door or stomach growl
wanting one thing in the world will not make it come true
wishful thinking will be the death of me
and so i lay here in my fortress of sheets to die
with the thought of you coming through the door on replay.
i crave your voice right now
telling me everything will work out
just say it, baby. just tell me once.
should not i be ready to let go of you
ready to be the independent fire my friends know me as
ready to stop hating myself to the core for not living out what i believe in
ready to stop knowing myself as only a hypocrite.
this hurts because i am constantly stuck
in the middle of the push and the pull
my arms and legs going in different directions
my head and my heart at war
but the rest of me stays stagnant
watching, waiting, listening.
sitting on a step and people watching
watching faces i do not recognize or wish to know walk past
hoping i’ll catch a glimpse of you in one
or hoping you’ll pass by and notice me
so i stay here.
i will stay and i will wait forever for you.
Jan 12, 2020
Jan 12, 2020 at 11:04 PM UTC
the rain is full of ghosts tonight
they push the trees to tap on the glass
they moan and shake the leaves
i watch the moon and ponder
where my lips have been
who i have touched
i have forgotten the ones in between,
forgotten when i wonder why
it’s then and now and in between
here i am stuck in the middle
the arms that held me weren’t as strong
as my head rested on another’s pillow
i ask the ghosts what went wrong
they sigh and leave me alone.
Dec 9, 2019
Dec 9, 2019 at 7:23 PM UTC
i hope you never find out that i am praying for you
that God gives you your salvation in small doses.
i never want you to get the satisfaction
that a person can still care about you
God and i have our secrets.
it brings me pleasure to know that i can find solace in helping you indirectly
even if it is unfair to me.
life has not been gentle to me
or kind
but i will forever be soft.
that is how God made me.
my softness will not be used as a punching bag.
i will use it to inspire you.
to show you compassion
even if you never gave it to me.
God and i are praying you’ll give it to yourself.
Jul 18, 2019
Jul 18, 2019 at 3:15 PM UTC
i am sure you love the way her hair falls over her shoulder
you love the way she sings when your windows are rolled down
the way she plays with your dogs
the ways she rubs your pinky with hers
the way you want her to rub other parts of you
does her art inspire you?
are her passions impassionate?
have you cleaned her and brushed her hair as she wept?
is she the same woman i was?
i am just a copy of someone you want
a coy so you can decide if you want to deal with girls like me
a body to be your playground
a mind for you to twist and figure out just what nerves to hit
has she filled all of the empty spaces you wanted from me?
May 24, 2019
May 24, 2019 at 12:22 AM UTC
i spun you through my life
as you wove in and out
both of us as spiders
making a silk web that destroys when the rain comes.
i wanted to be your permant home
i wanted the storms
i wanted the torn silk, but preferably only on my bed sheets
if you missed our house as much as i do wouldn’t you come back to repair the foundation?
i know you missed the way i looked in a door frame
a silhouette of your grown man’s dream
please when you return
ignore the unmoved lawn
ignore the cracked ceilings
do not feel ashamed
the front door will always be open for you.
May 23, 2019
May 23, 2019 at 11:31 PM UTC
I’ll be the girlfriend in your wet dream
Only for now
As I am hoping you keep a place for me in your bed or if your sheets are always cold
Fulfill my last wish for you as I would do the same
My self control is weak
And I hope I stay on your mind
Like a parasite
I hope you crave the feeling
Of my curves
My clear, soft skin
Under your clamy hands
I was your clay, as you shaped me into yours
I rode you and drove you crazy
Every place I licked, ****** and begged out of you
As I was feining
You rose like a symphony and told me to take a bow
For my show is art and you will always be the only one to receive it
When she does the same, do you wish it was me?
Do you not wish I was on my knees for your ***** work?
Every time you attempt to sculpt her
Your clay falls and you give up
When you run your hands over her
Do you have to close your eyes?
And yearn for another
Intimate masterpiece
Only I can give you?
May 23, 2019
May 23, 2019 at 11:22 PM UTC
does she drive you wild
or just mildly free
does she fill your soul
or is the glass only half empty
do you miss the way I brushed your hair
or the smell of all my things
when you fall asleep beside her every night
does your mind ever wonder to what if it was me
when you wake up in the morning
do you wish I made you breakfast
or has she replaced the simple things in life
I miss the way I fit in your neck
But now you are inside of mine
I should’ve kissed you when
you were yelling
I should’ve held you when we were crying
But now I have a toast to you and her
Even though I still can’t look at you
I raise my glass for a cheers to your happiness
But what about me
What about mine
What about the way you wrapped around me
Like a secret you couldn’t keep
I still can’t lie my stomach dropped when I saw you dancing with her in a parking lot
And I cried for days and days
This is just a merry go round
I get hooked on you and go
Down and
Down and
Down
I told myself I wouldn’t cry because then you would recognize the storm that I am a sailboat in
I crave to know if I run through your mind
Or if I only jog around for a while
If you drive around for a little longer
Just to see if you pass my Toyota
Or if you take the necessary routes
Where is my apology
What about me?
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019 at 3:23 PM UTC
i am soft
i am soft from your blows
as my skin turns the purple
of thunderstorms
i am the sky
clear one day and overcast the next
you are the earth
you pollute me with your torment
and your fits of rage
May 7, 2019
May 7, 2019 at 8:58 PM UTC
we cracked all of our eggshells
we looked at each other
and we didn’t feel
Apr 24, 2019
Apr 24, 2019 at 8:32 PM UTC