A flurry of coloured bags
Lying carelessly in the doorway
The happy ones congregate in the grass
They laugh and they dance
Because they can
A silence of turning pages
Throat constricted too tight to eat
The other ones congregate in the shade
Feeling out of place there
Because they can’t.
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019 at 12:45 PM UTC
Black & white
Fading, fading
Writing on the wall
Telling this to end
Where am i?
Fading, fading
Blurring round the edges
Far beyond help
Out of reach
Fading, fading
Never feeling good
(Why am I still here?)
Where are you?
Fading, fading
No longer caring
Nobody does.
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019 at 12:43 PM UTC
Home alone for twenty minutes
Taking apart stationary
No pressure,
just a clean swipe
It’s sickeningly easy
Simply crossing a barrier
That was formerly invisible
At 13 years old
She says
“I would never do that”
It isn’t a happy release
It doesn’t make her feel good
Nor is it feeling
Anything but numb
It’s the hurting that she values
Little red dotted lines
Like ink on printer paper saying
‘Cut here’
With kiddie scissors
Staining loo roll and tissues
It’s all some sick damnation
From herself to herself
Why do you
Look like this
She can’t stand the sight of you
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019 at 12:41 PM UTC
The rows of bluebells
Will still be there next spring
Urging you to get better
You were still there to pick them
And lay them on her casket
You were still there to watch
The years’ dance trickle by
She may have withered with
The bluebells that sad spring
But you’ll be there to see them
Come again
And again
You can blossom with them every spring
My dear,
You’re still alive
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019 at 12:39 PM UTC
You probably stood outside the door at CAMHS on rainy days
Bought 2 for 1 cookie deals at Morrison’s
You probably slotted your crap Sony earphones in on your way down
And looked down at the docs on your feet
There was a pulse in your wrist and under your chin
Evidence that your heart was beating
Your nerves were sending messages around the paths
Move your muscles, blink your eyes
You were a miracle just like everyone else
Hair tickling and chest rising and falling and fingers tapping
And nose sniffing and knees knocking and nails scratching
Living, breathing
Alive, alive
Until you weren’t.
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 4:15 PM UTC
At a point I want to hold your hand
I want us to be together, one
Then my feelings change and twist around
Afraid this battle cannot be won
If you touch me I would like to scream
I promise this isn’t your fault
I cannot feel the same as you
So lock me in some vault
This pretty picture, lovely in my head
I can’t act it out to reality
I don’t want you near me, let me free
There’s something wrong with me
You’re a sweet and lovely guy as it goes
I’m sorry I’m your pick
But I can’t continue anymore
I’m starting to feel sick.
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 4:13 PM UTC
The hydrangeas are starting to die now
The clouds are filling with rain
The kids have new-school anxiety
And we’re all filling with pain
The novelty is starting to die now
I’m already tired of faces
The leaves are falling from branches
And I’m already out of aces.
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 4:12 PM UTC
Let the hair fall over your face
Don’t speak, they won’t reply
It feels like you’ve been replaced
Try and let the days pass by
If you were to fall they wouldn’t see
You miss how they used to care
It’s not the way it used to be
A simple smile by now is rare
And in your head there’s only black
So tired of make believe
If you smile, they won’t smile back
Why don’t you just leave?
You’ll never be the way they are
Their level is just too hard
Just try and reach that social bar
And keep your feelings jarred
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 4:10 PM UTC
A dose of 30 paracetamol
And lithium to help keep sane
You lie in a bed with drips
Vomiting out your pain
The veins on your arm stick out
Blue against dark red scars
There are bags under your eyes
Black like a sky of stars
I hold on to your thin arms
And I hope it doesn't hurt
"Don't hurt yourself again"
But my words are lost in your shirt
You're home sometimes, or not
A long, long stay away
I miss you when you're gone
And you missed my birthday.
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 4:08 PM UTC
50 red lines
Etched and sketched across
The canvas in which you live
That was what you left
On the day you said
You’d stop
800 calories
Brittle nails and
An iron deficiency
That was what you left
On the day you chose
Recovery
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 16, 2019 at 4:06 PM UTC