star-girl - Hello Poetry

Three days ago I started a journey of self help. I started a journey of discovery And, I'm not ready. Three days ago I began taking anti-depressants. Three days ago I stopped sleeping through the night. Three days ago I got migraines that made me want to empty my stomach. Three days ago I started a journey. Why? Because I can't deal with myself. I can't deal with rejection and the pressures of day to day life. I can't deal with the ideals and standards of other people. I can't deal with the judgment. I can't deal with the ***** looks. I scrub my skin raw when I think of the look she gave me. The mother of the man I love. The man I adore. Her eyes pierced through me. And no matter what, a wound will be there. Zoloft is not a quick fix. It is a gateway to a way that I might be sane. Maybe it will work. Just maybe. I can wish on a hundred thousand stars of things I need. But this world only gives me the things I don't need. I don't need the constant reminder that I am failing my body. I don't need to be told I am mean. I don't need to be told that I cause misery. I don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong the choices in my relationship. I don't need to be reminded that I am unwelcome, because you are close minded. When I feel all those things I remember a younger me. A me that was searching for something. Anything. I tried everything. Even God But there are some things that even He can't fix. I was told growing up that depression wasn't real. Well honey, it's all...right...here. I am blamed by something I can't control. How would that make you feel? Three days ago I started a journey that I should have never stopped. Three days ago I decided to do this for me. Three days ago I started the search for a little girl who hoped and dreamed. Three days ago I started the journey to regain my joy. My hope. Three days ago I started something. Just for me.

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Dec 7, 2015

Dec 7, 2015 at 12:42 AM UTC

star-girl

12|6|15

Three days ago I started a journey of self help. I started a journey of discovery And, I'm not ready. Three days ago I began taking anti-depressants. Three days ago I stopped sleeping through the night. Three days ago I got migraines that made me want to empty my stomach. Three days ago I started a journey. Why? Because I can't deal with myself. I can't deal with rejection and the pressures of day to day life. I can't deal with the ideals and standards of other people. I can't deal with the judgment. I can't deal with the ***** looks. I scrub my skin raw when I think of the look she gave me. The mother of the man I love. The man I adore. Her eyes pierced through me. And no matter what, a wound will be there. Zoloft is not a quick fix. It is a gateway to a way that I might be sane. Maybe it will work. Just maybe. I can wish on a hundred thousand stars of things I need. But this world only gives me the things I don't need. I don't need the constant reminder that I am failing my body. I don't need to be told I am mean. I don't need to be told that I cause misery. I don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong the choices in my relationship. I don't need to be reminded that I am unwelcome, because you are close minded. When I feel all those things I remember a younger me. A me that was searching for something. Anything. I tried everything. Even God But there are some things that even He can't fix. I was told growing up that depression wasn't real. Well honey, it's all...right...here. I am blamed by something I can't control. How would that make you feel? Three days ago I started a journey that I should have never stopped. Three days ago I decided to do this for me. Three days ago I started the search for a little girl who hoped and dreamed. Three days ago I started the journey to regain my joy. My hope. Three days ago I started something. Just for me.

46

For the first time, I hate freaking out. But, I love you. I hate not feeling good enough. But, you make me feel whole. I hate thinking one day you'll leave. But, for now I'm safe in your arms. I hate crying. But, I don't want to worry you. I hate not letting you help me. But, I love when you don't listen. I hate letting you down. But, you told me I make you proud. I hate what my mind does. But, I trust that you're the one. That's it, I trust you.

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Nov 19, 2014

Nov 19, 2014 at 9:52 PM UTC

star-girl

Trust.

For the first time, I hate freaking out. But, I love you. I hate not feeling good enough. But, you make me feel whole. I hate thinking one day you'll leave. But, for now I'm safe in your arms. I hate crying. But, I don't want to worry you. I hate not letting you help me. But, I love when you don't listen. I hate letting you down. But, you told me I make you proud. I hate what my mind does. But, I trust that you're the one. That's it, I trust you.

16

I keep wanting to write about my dad. I keep wanting to write about how he lied. How he took the identity of a 20-year old. How he did this to lie. How he did this cheat. How he did this to steal. But I just can't. Deep down, I sadly know I 'm his daughter. Eccentric. Liar. Dazed and Confused. Even though I'm mad, And you can't look me in the eyes, Because you've seen all my lies, I forgive you.

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Sep 8, 2014

Sep 8, 2014 at 9:08 AM UTC

star-girl

Forgiveness.

I keep wanting to write about my dad. I keep wanting to write about how he lied. How he took the identity of a 20-year old. How he did this to lie. How he did this cheat. How he did this to steal. But I just can't. Deep down, I sadly know I 'm his daughter. Eccentric. Liar. Dazed and Confused. Even though I'm mad, And you can't look me in the eyes, Because you've seen all my lies, I forgive you.

15

My best friend told me, she understood why I drank. My mother is sad. My father is a liar. One sister can't live, The other wants to live like me. I always knew drinking just took the place of cutting. Drinking took the place of thinking. Drinking took the place of reality. I'm no alcoholic, I'm... an alcohol enthusiast.

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Sep 7, 2014

Sep 7, 2014 at 3:24 PM UTC

star-girl

Enthusiast.

My best friend told me, she understood why I drank. My mother is sad. My father is a liar. One sister can't live, The other wants to live like me. I always knew drinking just took the place of cutting. Drinking took the place of thinking. Drinking took the place of reality. I'm no alcoholic, I'm... an alcohol enthusiast.

10

What? Very. Very what? Just, very.

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Sep 1, 2014

Sep 1, 2014 at 5:43 AM UTC

star-girl

Untitled.

What? Very. Very what? Just, very.

4

One day, I'll miss love. One day. Why? Because, I'm stuck in love. Eternally. Always. From one to the next one. Blushing bride, Schoolgirl crush, Artist inspiration... One day, I'll miss it all. Because... I'm stuck in love.

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Aug 5, 2014

Aug 5, 2014 at 2:22 AM UTC

star-girl

Stuck in Love.

One day, I'll miss love. One day. Why? Because, I'm stuck in love. Eternally. Always. From one to the next one. Blushing bride, Schoolgirl crush, Artist inspiration... One day, I'll miss it all. Because... I'm stuck in love.

13

I act as though you can fix me. You. Every. Last. One. Of. You. I act as though, I'm fine. I act as though there is a simple cure. I act as though, if I refuse to say no you'll say. If I don't say no, I will be fixed. I erased no from my vocabulary. No. Don't call me baby. No. Don't touch me like that. No. Don't treat me like that. No. Don't tell me to drink this. No. Don't tell me who I am. No. Don't tell me how to act. No. Don't tell me how to be. No. Don't pull my hair. No. Don't smack me. No. Don't you hit me. No. Don't leave bruises on me. No. Please..

0

Aug 5, 2014

Aug 5, 2014 at 2:19 AM UTC

star-girl

No.

I act as though you can fix me. You. Every. Last. One. Of. You. I act as though, I'm fine. I act as though there is a simple cure. I act as though, if I refuse to say no you'll say. If I don't say no, I will be fixed. I erased no from my vocabulary. No. Don't call me baby. No. Don't touch me like that. No. Don't treat me like that. No. Don't tell me to drink this. No. Don't tell me who I am. No. Don't tell me how to act. No. Don't tell me how to be. No. Don't pull my hair. No. Don't smack me. No. Don't you hit me. No. Don't leave bruises on me. No. Please..

36

In the end. It's all summed it to the short of it. In the end. We are the tag lines. Thinking if we achieve greatness, the negative will be forgotten. The intoxicated stumbling words and the sober wishful days will disappear. No. Those tag lines stay. In the end. You're funeral will be filled with people you have grown apart from. In the end. You're forgotten. In the end... It doesn't matter who you kissed that one lonely night. In the end... It doesn't matter how much you hated your self when you were young. In the end... You're alone. And at the **** of it all, only the tag lines stay.

0

Mar 17, 2014

Mar 17, 2014 at 10:44 PM UTC

star-girl

In the End.

In the end. It's all summed it to the short of it. In the end. We are the tag lines. Thinking if we achieve greatness, the negative will be forgotten. The intoxicated stumbling words and the sober wishful days will disappear. No. Those tag lines stay. In the end. You're funeral will be filled with people you have grown apart from. In the end. You're forgotten. In the end... It doesn't matter who you kissed that one lonely night. In the end... It doesn't matter how much you hated your self when you were young. In the end... You're alone. And at the **** of it all, only the tag lines stay.

20

It's sad really. How your name still pulls at my heart strings. The thought of you upsets and excites me. You. I never mattered to you, but you became special to me. Became... You became a man who entranced me. You became a man who earned my trust. I wanted to share things with you. I wanted to be me around you... But... That wasn't in our cards. You wanted me for far different reasons than I wanted you. You used me for far more dangerous acts, than I did you. You affected me so much more than I could ever affect you... That's the sad thing. See? I'm left with "what if?" A few confusing questions... And the undoubtable truth, that you touched my life...

0

Mar 10, 2014

Mar 10, 2014 at 9:31 PM UTC

star-girl

Undoubtable Truth

It's sad really. How your name still pulls at my heart strings. The thought of you upsets and excites me. You. I never mattered to you, but you became special to me. Became... You became a man who entranced me. You became a man who earned my trust. I wanted to share things with you. I wanted to be me around you... But... That wasn't in our cards. You wanted me for far different reasons than I wanted you. You used me for far more dangerous acts, than I did you. You affected me so much more than I could ever affect you... That's the sad thing. See? I'm left with "what if?" A few confusing questions... And the undoubtable truth, that you touched my life...

20

What is happening to you? Well, I'm stuck in this limbo of a world between child and adult. A limbo between my choices and yours. I'm stuck between childish way and adult relations. I'm stuck between the condescending tones and looks; and the reality of freedom. I'm at a halfway house between sanity and insanity. Frankly, it's such a thin line I teeter it. I'm stuck in between the micromanaging stares of my family and my own personal distain. I'm stuck between crying myself to sleep, and waking up with dreams of these new days. I'm stuck between being a tattered rag and rich velvet. I'm stuck in this Limbo. And, You don't seem to help with your condemnation. You're not helping. You tell me to stop talking. You can't see I'm afraid. You can't see I'm pulling away... All because I'm afraid. You only want me to talk about things you want to hear. You only want me to do things you want me to do. You want me here, but you want me gone. Leaving me in Purgatory.

0

Mar 5, 2014

Mar 5, 2014 at 4:26 PM UTC

star-girl

What Happened?

What is happening to you? Well, I'm stuck in this limbo of a world between child and adult. A limbo between my choices and yours. I'm stuck between childish way and adult relations. I'm stuck between the condescending tones and looks; and the reality of freedom. I'm at a halfway house between sanity and insanity. Frankly, it's such a thin line I teeter it. I'm stuck in between the micromanaging stares of my family and my own personal distain. I'm stuck between crying myself to sleep, and waking up with dreams of these new days. I'm stuck between being a tattered rag and rich velvet. I'm stuck in this Limbo. And, You don't seem to help with your condemnation. You're not helping. You tell me to stop talking. You can't see I'm afraid. You can't see I'm pulling away... All because I'm afraid. You only want me to talk about things you want to hear. You only want me to do things you want me to do. You want me here, but you want me gone. Leaving me in Purgatory.

23