I’m only supposed to live until 27
27
I am already 21
That means I have 6 years left
6 years feels like so many more lifetimes
Only 23% survive
Am i strong enough to be in the 23%?
I don’t think i am
Nothing is helping
I tell people the meds help
But i’m lying to them just as much as myself
This is a deadly disease
It destroys your mind and your body
Apr 19, 2022
Apr 19, 2022 at 6:41 PM UTC
I’m not sure how i really feel
I never am
That’s the curse of infatuation
The curse of mental illness
The curse of saying you love hard
When in reality you don’t know what love feels like
I’ve never seen true love
But i am a master in manipulation
I know exactly how to get what i need
But you can’t manipulate your way into love
I’ve tried
I’ve mimicked their mannerisms
Become someone i thought they’d want to love
But i’ve never been enough
Despite ripping myself apart
Over and over again
I’m left with pieces of confetti floating away after the last song of a concert
And i don’t know how to pick up my bits and pieces anymore
So i keep finding the next infatuation
Hoping they will grab a broom and help me
Or at least slow the wind from blowing me away
But i’m always left crying in my bed
Wondering what i could have done differently
Never considering maybe i wasn’t the issue
Because if i have destroyed myself for others
if refuse to believe my work was in vain
The curse of mental illness and trauma
Makes the victim believe they must be at fault
And if they would have been better or different it wouldn’t have happened to them
Otherwise you run the risk of becoming cold and hard
Because how can you ever trust again when people are capable of such cruelty?
Apr 18, 2022
Apr 18, 2022 at 12:33 PM UTC
I am not built for peace
I was raised in war
It is where i find comfort
So looking for peace in love
Is like looking for water in the desert
Yet i still crave peace
I just don’t know how to live in it
How do you live in such a contradiction
How can one know what they actually want
Apr 18, 2022
Apr 18, 2022 at 12:30 PM UTC
do you know how ****** life is?
it is a bunch of people who don't trust
who are so ******* broken and bruised
who are trying to love each other
despite the pain of the past
but getting hurt over and over
turning to suicide as the only option
i tried turning there
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:51 AM UTC
an ode to my soundcloud rapper.
it's 1:30 am on a wednesday night
i should be doing my homework or sleeping
i'm supposed to surprise you friday at work
but
you sent me a snapchat a few hours ago
that has me spinning to hard to drive the 4 hours home to you
"i'm sorry for trespassing on your heart. you just aren't as spiritually mature as the woman i am going to be with needs to be"
and then you went to bed
well actually
you opened my response an hour later
and then
ignored me
i just wanted to hear your voice one last time
is that so awful?
no it isn't
what is awful
is that you said you wanted to marry me
and that you wanted to be with me the rest of your life
you said that women deserve to be treated like queens and that's how you would treat me.
when i told my best friend that, she just looked at me and i could see the pitty in her eyes. when she spoke, i didn't hear the words so much as i heard the underlying warning, comforting, anger, fear, sadness.
"he sounds like a stupid *** soundcloud rapper"
"no" i said "he is a good Christian guy. he wants to treat me right."
i know you think you are speaking life into people's lives. i know you don't care how much it hurts them. but you should. i am not going to change for you. i am changing for myself. so that when you see me years from now, you can see that i grew through your toxicity. that it was simply a stepping stone. so, thank you for helping me realize even more warning signs. and for finally making me realize i should never apologize for standing up for myself. no matter how many people i lose along the way. goodbye until later.
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:50 AM UTC
my dad loves me when i go to the gym
says i need to get skinnier
gets me weight loss vitamins
he doesn't understand
i try to be understanding of his lack of understanding
instead i stop eating and say it is the gym
i see him proud when i lose weight
i only see myself getting fatter
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:50 AM UTC
i am in so much pain
my whole world is spinning all the time
i tried to take up nicotine to help
it isn't
i tried to drink all my problems away
and now i fight the urge every day
i'm trying to get better
but god **** it it feels impossible
when no one is in your corner
when getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain
but no one understands that
because that is just something most people do without thinking about
so when you say getting up is hard, they call you lazy
so you start to think you are just a lazy piece of **** who needs to do better
then they ask why you are always in a sweatshirt
why you never do your makeup
why your hair is always a mess
why your eyes are puffy
why you killed yourself
why you didn't talk to anyone
why you didn't get help
why you ended it all
- what if i take all my pills?
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:49 AM UTC
everyone has movies that comfort them
mine is "as above so below"
it makes no sense and that's why i love it so much
i watch it every night
a group of people are lost in the catacombs under paris
and terrifiying things keep happening and they keep dying
i think i compare it to my life
and i like a reason to fear something else than my reality
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:48 AM UTC
if you want to go, then go
but do not make me feel as though it is my fault
simply apologize and gracefully back away
do not first break me down to nothing
and then burn what is left
your issues and lies are not my fault
so i will be the one to gracefully leave
if you want to see me
then i will wait for you to call
but i will not reach for you first
i did it for too long
it is your turn to feel alone
i'm not spiteful
simply fair
you believe yourself to be the judge
let me be the executioner
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:47 AM UTC
i need to stop lying to myself if i'm going to survive.
or maybe that is how i've survived for so long.
one thing i know for sure.
is that i don't know anything.
my world is spinning again.
but maybe i do this because i am more comfortable in the spinning chaos.
might i add the lonely chaos.
i was trusting again.
you were safe.
i thought you were at least.
but i thought the others were safe too.
now i don't trust anyone.
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 3:47 AM UTC