It can end so quickly,
so easily.
While we are all trapped in this miserable place,
teaching ourselves some valuable and grotesque lesson before we can move on to something better,
it is really very simple to escape.
But I'm curious.
I want to know what happens next.
But I don't.
I don't want to feel anymore of the terrible feelings associated with this life.
I want to feel joy,
not vast,
deep sorrow.
I want to be understood,
not misjudged.
I need to feel unconditional love,
affection,
not have to burden someone with wanting to.
I know that when I decided this life I was to learn a valuable lesson,
but I don't understand why I must feel so much pain.
Apr 25, 2020
Apr 25, 2020 at 6:55 PM UTC
Remember when you were a little kid running down a big hill?
And you weren't really sure every single step that your feet wouldn't just collapse out from under you,
leaving you flat on your face,
with the smile still permanently glued there,
laughing into the soil,
inhaling its sweet aroma...
but you kept going because,
the rush was so much that even IF SO,
you would have ran right back to the top and did it again?
Remember when the fear was SO worth it because the way down was EXHILIRATING,
every terrifying adrenaline-packed second,
and the entire time you thought,
"This is it,
THIS is when I'm gonna fall,"
but you didn't,
and you conquered your power,
again and again?
And every time you did feel the least bit unstable in your footing,
you snapped back to bliss,
how much fun you were having,
why you were doing it,
and what you were getting out of it,
and the high was more than the fall anyway,
the journey was the destination,
because in reality,
a mouthful of dirt and grass was a tiny price to pay,
to FEEL something outside of yourself?
Yeah well,
there's someone out there,
they're going to make you feel like that,
infinitely,
without conditions.
Wait for them.
Apr 25, 2020
Apr 25, 2020 at 6:48 PM UTC
creature of the night
hell is just in sight
the phantom is within
will I gladly die of sin?
what people really know
their actions never show
it's a complicating case
when it's staring in your face
Apr 25, 2020
Apr 25, 2020 at 6:42 PM UTC
your enigma is
draped over every part of me
as if the perception through your lens
a handbook to my darkness
prose installed into the mainframe
applying solace and wisdom to
the futility of existence
so how curious it is
how suddenly
that reality ceases to exist
i am adequate when i am not enough
i am whole when i am incomplete
i am valuable when i am worthless
i am complex when i am nothing
Apr 25, 2020
Apr 25, 2020 at 6:34 PM UTC
walking on a silted riverbed
the sun comes up
flowers push through
[whispering, 'go, go']
the rain falls down
in straight sheets of black
the colours,
[though broken],
shine through
[purity]
[innocence]
no harm or foul
no tears or pain
no hate or waste
the white noise rings
let's cut it all down
from the web in the sky
that tells us all how
our lives will all end
the damage will ensue
everything will fall
[everything but me & you]
Apr 4, 2012
Apr 4, 2012 at 7:13 PM UTC
Let not my eyes close for truly resting;
I shall not sleep until I return home.
Until I am aware of your presence
Before me, then I shall cease to exist.
In future, come clarity upon me,
That it may give me the strength to go on
With life and hope, as I wander, endless,
Until the day I shall return to love.
Though my insides quake with fearful hoping,
I shall not falter, for you lie waiting.
True to my word I’ll remain undying
And honest, until the day our eyes meet.
A lips’ sweetest kiss doth long awaits me,
A promise to never part as we have.
Feb 9, 2011
Feb 9, 2011 at 11:03 AM UTC
She's so cold. So, so cold. So ******* cold.
He's afraid. So, so afraid. So ******* afraid of her.
She's his methamphetamine. Shoot, drug, high. So terribly comfortable.
He's withdrawn. Sick, sober, low. So horribly real.
A shiver down his spine. Chills, fear, shock. It will never end.
And she just lays in her box. Her big black box. Fucking black box.
Dec 12, 2010
Dec 12, 2010 at 11:17 AM UTC
the wind rustled through the leaves
the birds didn’t make a sound
we just stood there quietly
looking down upon the ground
and we didn’t know ‘twas you
only one of us perceived
and they still don’t know ‘twas you
still alone, only me
i take back all the things i said
though i know you don’t mind
i sit here all alone in my head
only in time
as i walk upon the earth
with each footstep on the ground
i look back at you and say,
“now i never will be found”
but your heart was always calm
and your soul was always pure
now you look at me and say [with loving eyes]
“now you never can be sure”
i take back all the lies in my head
though i know you are here
i still risked all the words that i’ve said
oh, never fear
and i feel like a house that’s burned down
one nobody wants to buy
but i feel that your heart’s in my hands
only in time
and your soul still speaks
words that can’t be repeated
for suffers consequence
or our hearts will be mistreated
and my lies were told
and our time has been competed
but i’m no longer cold
and i love you, i love you
i take back all the things i said
though i know you’re still here
i’m no longer alone in my head
i never fear
now the wind rustles through the leaves
and the birds don’t make a sound
we just touch, now, quietly
with our feet upon the ground
Dec 6, 2010
Dec 6, 2010 at 8:58 PM UTC
Favourite nerve-wracking days
meet carefully sweet irony
Journeying continues,
insinuating ignored answers
Porcelain begs,
hoping painful exists
Difficult burning overcame
caring tender memories
Doctor specifically outlines:
indefinite,
obscure,
bland reality
Endlessly changing predictions
force desperate safe haven
nothing helps
Miss doll lovely,
perfect,
shaken,
abandoned,
sick,
dead
Wishing stops,
scarring trust,
tearing irrelevant curiosity,
keeping nightmares closer
Month,
month,
month,
month
Repetitively
wrecked voice
struggling situations
Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
secure,
particular,
neutral,
enveloped,
unglued
Spontaneity analyzes fortifications
forcing unprotected souls
overtaken faces
wearing hurtful aspect
Month,
month,
month,
month
Intravenous consequences
silver surgeon
irrelevant grace upon
her heavy neckline
medicated extremities
Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
designed unconscious,
forced,
weary,
sober,
sedated
Friends opinions
especial curiosity
suppressed predictions believed
feet solely on Reason Street
accompanied by Pushing Negativity
nothing’s changing
Second,
Minute,
Day,
Week,
Month,
month,
month,
month
Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
evident,
profound,
bare,
suffering,
dying
Loneliness laughs
limits reached
heartbreaks stated
emotional crashing
déjà vu stays,
a wishful memory
deceit captivates each:
Second,
Minute,
Hour,
Day,
Week,
Month,
month,
month,
month
A curve catatonic
victim tattered at gates of steel
guarded
grasping winter
greatest attempts trying to understand
Nurse,
feet, ankles, organized steps
communications
understandings
Fractured faces cry
broken tears
honest weak calling
home hurts
useless moonlight lips
Month,
month,
month,
month,
Year,
year,
year,
year
Oh,
Miss doll lovely,
not waking,
haunting,
insane,
blackened,
cold
Dec 1, 2010
Dec 1, 2010 at 9:07 AM UTC
Awake.
That feeling can mean many different things.
Sober.
Sick.
Irrelevant.
Alone.
Empty.
The feelings sometimes accompanied with awake.
An emotionally painful sort of awake, where waking up at all is torture.
The sort where you go about your business, and continue playing underdog to the system.
Where you fabricate the surface of your existence to please the wants and needs of others.
The outside.
The part of you that everyone interprets.
The part that you fight so hard for, but never really matters in the end.
The human distinction.
Nov 30, 2010
Nov 30, 2010 at 10:01 AM UTC