Everything I eat burns.
I must choke back lies,
swallow them whole.
And I feel guilt settling in the lining of my stomach,
for things I know not of.
But I know I am not well.
I can feel it in my flushed cheeks
and swollen belly.
I am pregnant with the feeling of misery and exhaust.
I am disgusted with myself.
And do not remember how to breath.
Every night,
each nightmare is a new one.
I am woken from my sleep,
the back of my throat burning,
my stomach retching.
I’ve been drinking oceans,
to set back these tiny fires.
I know no better way to put them out.
My dog scratches my face,
I wake up.
Dec 23, 2012
Dec 23, 2012 at 9:37 PM UTC
I was going to write a poem about you
and then I decided not to.
Dec 16, 2012
Dec 16, 2012 at 5:00 PM UTC
I bleed the same colors as you,
under the same moon,
and that’s enough for me.
Dec 14, 2012
Dec 14, 2012 at 1:26 PM UTC
This is where it started,
on the basement floor
Everything felt colder and farther away than usual
I couldn't wrap my head around it
You could
And then it moved in to my closet
crept over there on Halloween night
I could hear you breathing heavily for days
I felt it on my neck
I never could shake that feeling
I was pleased once, on my bedroom floor
When I was in control
Thought I understood, something I just couldn't
But you were miserable on the backporch
with a cigarette in mouth
And you still are,
I was drinking chocolate milk.
Then,
in your car,
I didn't want you
or you
or you
or you.
In the pool I was drowning,
but that was my own fault.
I hate to swim.
And then that night I was lonely
and you were home.
But now.
I'm still lonely
and you won't leave me alone.
But you, you were nice.
You wanted to know about me.
And you were fine floating there.
But in August I didn't want you
and now we're both somewhere else.
And by the beach
I met you when I was confused
and it only made things worse.
Crumbling.
Entering college.
I hated myself.
And apparently so did you.
Sometimes I wonder how you are,
when I remember to wonder.
And on your dorm bed, you were nice.
And on his dorm bed, he wasn't.
I wish you didn't find humor in sick things
and eat all of my peanut butter.
Because we almost got along.
Then I fell for your accent
And your blonde hair--
..Oops
And in the bushes
Your friend was throwing up,
I tried to help.
Sorry I took it
but
you took my time.
And under the cold lights,
you were most similar to me
But only from a distance.
And in your room
I don't know why you happened.
But
I know why you did
because,
behind our looks,
were the same things,
waiting to creep out
from the ugly places we shoved them.
You were too tall to really see me.
And
You
You weren't the only one to see me at that show.
You said the complete opposite of what you meant
or maybe you changed your mind.
Either way,
I liked you better with your eyes on the ground.
On the elevator,
I just wanted you to shut up.
With paint on our faces,
Your art seemed more impressive from afar
Guess I got too close.
And you,
in the car,
in the diner,
in the field,
on the playground,
in the tree house,
on the deck,
in the passenger seat,
in my yard,
on the bench,
at the show,
by the stage,
in my arms,
in his backyard,
on the street,
in his kitchen,
on the hammock,
on my bed,
on my bed,
on my floor,
on my mind,
on my mind,
in your mind,
you're the only one.
the rest were to forget you.
on your couch,
on your roof,
on your bed,
on her bed.
and now there's only me,
some of me,
at least.
Dec 11, 2012
Dec 11, 2012 at 2:18 AM UTC
women, we sit weak and say nothing,
especially on the subways
Dec 11, 2012
Dec 11, 2012 at 1:33 AM UTC
Michelle,
do not cry for anyone except yourself
do not cry for the dumb boys
with their hands in their pants
and their heads in the clouds
do not cry for them
because they do not have eyes
that could cry for you
Michelle,
do not cry for anyone except yourself
do not cry for the lonely girls
dancing in their rooms
and drowning in their boy friend’s spit
do not cry for them
because they will be fine in the morning
and so will you
so just keep ******* your honey packets
and be careful to not let disdain trickle out of your beehives
because it keeps getting you stung
by the bumbling boys attracted to it
but do not cry for them Michelle
because you are beautiful and brave
and you scare them
because they are not
Michelle,
do not cry for anyone except yourself
Nov 17, 2012
Nov 17, 2012 at 9:51 PM UTC
My door frame is easy to break
it bends in half,
if you blow on it
and there’s left over gum
in the cracks
from all of the ***** mouths
of people who tried
to blow my house in
(it’s probably because so many have gone
that allows for so many to come)
If the walls have any color,
please let me know
When you get inside you’ll see the floor
covered in thumbtacks
that have fallen
from the memories that were once pinned
to my walls
but have since blown away
by the same breaths that had blown in my door
(I wish I had the heart
to pin them
back up)
If the walls have any color,
please let me know
If you manage your way into my kitchen
you’ll find
tea bags
and charred kettles
that I used to burn my words
when my mouth got too hot
(I always mess things up when I speak)
If the walls have any color,
please let me know
Please excuse the honey
smeared to my furniture
it was used to make guests stick
who were anxious to leave
from the moment they arrived
(I think the scent of insecurity
wrapped in lavender oil
sickened them)
When fuming,
after the guests turn away
I gag myself
into my pink toilet bowel
to allow the memories,
that have rotted in my gut,
to roll out on to
my
tea stained tongue
So please use the bathroom upstairs
If the walls have any color,
please let me know
I do not live there anymore
I had to run away again,
to get away from these rooms
that once cradled my innocence
(the frame has grown weak from carrying such burdens)
If the walls have any color,
please let me know
you’ll find me underneath the floor boards
Nov 17, 2012
Nov 17, 2012 at 9:50 PM UTC
I want to be the moon
and disappear
when everything becomes clear and confusing
in the light of the day
I want to be the moon
become the focal point of the sky
the only clarity in darkness
I want to be the moon
that is so distant that it becomes unobtainable
so even you couldn’t reach it
I want to be the moon
that sits over you and me
when we’re not thinking about each other
Nov 17, 2012
Nov 17, 2012 at 9:38 PM UTC
I am so tiny
I have never once loved because it was tangible,
I have loved because it wasn’t
And then, when I believed it was mine
I let it slip right through my fingers, hoping it will be cold
With warmth-
I would melt
Nov 17, 2012
Nov 17, 2012 at 9:36 PM UTC
I turn over
and watch myself fall
and the sea is furious
I feel no desire to swim
much worse than drowning,
there is nothing you can do
and worse,
nothing you want to do
I realize then
as I choke
I often feel like I’m sinking when I am not near water at all.
but then I remember
he is the sea
and he’s silently calling
to hold me forever
and as the land slowly slips away,
a sharp impulse fills my body, my mind
I feel as though I must leap
for if I do not
I know for certain I will fall
and a star shoots by
and somewhere a girl is coughing up water
You
His shore
it’s not screaming, its quiet,
calm and still…
like how the sea must appear from a star
yet he
more radical than any ocean could ever be.
completely silent.
but never empty.
Nov 16, 2012
Nov 16, 2012 at 8:45 PM UTC