Right before all the cracks finally gave way to wear
and your cold stare locked its glare
as I shattered all across the floor
I remember looking into your chocolate eyes
seeing the reflection of every single lie
inside them, because they were stained into my soul
why couldn't you take that final chance
for one more attempt to waltz
to the beat of our hearts on the dance-
floor. Instead you waited for it all to burn
from your kindling deception,
and the flames stole every dream I had for us
After pounding my persevering love to a pulp
you diluted it with your salty promises of love
Pouring us each a glass, you chugged
then splashed mine all across
my already sea soaked face
And forced me to stick my tongue out for a taste
scarring my soul with every ghost
of my failed dreams that you,
with false pretenses, swore you'd give back to me
forcing your way in
you became someone i thought I could believe in
and in the end you win
Because new demons are born
And they've begun to creep
As reopened wounds seep crimson, all in unicen
with every drop I weep
when I look now at my nest of rotten dreams
that never had the chance to hatch
and begin to grow into anything
May 13, 2016
May 13, 2016 at 2:54 PM UTC
Intellect without emotion, someone told me once. That's how they described me. That I had more wit and sarcastic charm than I could ever need, and yet I couldn't do anything meaningful with it because I lacked anything real…..like empathy, selflessness…or love. I was the cleverest robot in the world.
The truth is I do have emotion. Bounds of it. It pours out of me through cracks I forgot to seal when I walled myself in. And any attempt it makes to grow a garden is flooded by preemptive rain clouds, conjured up by a self imposed reality wherein the world sees my face in the daylight for what it really is and burns down my garden anyway.
I am no robot, I just hide behind cold metal plates and careful calculations, as if I could possibly predict consequences to chances I never take, moves I never make, and broken down walls I never break. So that the outcome is that i'm the loneliest, cleverest robot in the world, who discarded his humanity for a safety net and a bottle of cheap thrills, a bottle he uses as a telescope to see the rest of world because it looks better through the glass.
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 5:49 PM UTC
Much has changed
time passed, and in the process I grew to hate your face
the thought of how you used me
whilst simultaneously making it seem okay
I wanted to know your secrets
your dreams and aspirations
now I just can't stand it
I don't even want to associate myself with you
you seemed so innocent
I thought it was all so good
gave you far more credit than you ever deserved
now I just want to rewind and run
because you ****
and I wish I had enough nerve to say it to your face
because then you'd know how I really feel
instead I'll smile ad wave
thats the only way I can manage
in this situation
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 3:17 PM UTC
I'd like to believe that I'm not blind
but maybe you were right when you told me that I am
because clearly I fell into the arms
of a man that didn't have good intentions
I let myself love someone
that only wished to use me
You claim to love me now
but all I can do is wonder how
because nothing ever happens like in the movies
we live in such a twisted reality
so theres no way it can be
can it?
does that also mean that I will never love again?
am I cursed to be alone now
for the duration of my life
all because I let myself believe
you had a beautiful soul?
I still wouldn't call you a monster
but don't you get that you broke my heart?
my dad always tells me that forgiveness
doesn't mean things go back to the way they were before
when I still only had my doubts
and confession failed to escape your lips
like the constant lies did
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 3:16 PM UTC
Take off your mask and let me see your face
this isn't a ******* masquerade
I'm tired of these twisted games
sick of all these crimson stains
I never even chose to play
so why am I stuck here
still debating whether or not to stay
I cared about you
let you see peices of my mind
I never hid so why do you continue to hide
keep me blind to the true curves of your face
constantly behind your mask of fine
human skin
it seems you grew from within
And I get it
how else could you cope
with all these people walking around
that grasp around your throat
causing you to choke
their makeshift ropes
that tear apart your soul
I get it
But your mask is meant for those
not me
from the beginning
all I ever wanted was to see
and to be seen
but blindly I ran down a one way road
because the person I thought I had come to know
now has a grip around MY throat
decieved into believeing I could see
the parts of you no one else did
but you wore your mask around like your own skin
and now the walls of your deception are caving in
and im suffocating because if i breath in
this air I am afraid I'll be like you
untrue
to all i am and wish to be
this isn't a ******* masquerade
I let you see into me
and now your gracefully dancing
as if there were music playing
but the truth is you only really played me.
Why couldn't you see I was human too
like the person you
keep hidden beneath the lies
behind the vibrant eyes
of a mask that hides the secrets of your face
who are you?
because your not the person I knew
the person I thought I knew so well
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 3:09 PM UTC
Let’s stay as long as we can
And not worry about the end
But rather, enjoy the time in the middle
As much as we did the time when we first began
Show me your hand
Slowly unravel your fist
I want to memorize the contours of each fingertip
And the way the river of your skin flows down to your wrist
Oh god don’t let me forget this
Just this
Let me at least just keep this
I know the nature of our lives could never let this last
But nobody told me it’d slip away this fast
But even if this is all the time I get
And the rest just ends in heartache
I swear to whatever’s above; it was well worth it
That you were the one truth I couldn’t break
I think I always knew the color of your eyes
The way the light bends in the corners like the edge of the sky
Even if appearance is just a lie
Something behind the confines of your soft blue stare shook my soul awake inside
It's only time and a name we can't carry through
But this beautiful shape, we'll never lose
Our hearts are already too intricately intertwined
And if even if those bonds bend they'll always be realigned
So I’ll picture the way your head feels on my chest until it all goes black
With the hope that the moment I see you again it all comes flooding back
Even if my mind can never find the time we stayed up all night studying the way our bodies can burn
I’ll stain my soul with pictures of fire and bones until I find you all over again and learn
So slow down….please
Sit down with me and watch the sunset
It doesn’t matter which one of us it’s for
Let’s just watch it end
And then ripple throughout the pond
Creating waves big and small that stretch on and on
Through different times and spaces across different lives and places
Until all the movement comes back together in the middle
And I can remember every first time I saw your face
Even if we can’t stay right here in this moment
I’m not quite sure that means we have to forget
Let’s carve memories into our hearts and fingertips
So that the next time they meet they’ll know exactly where each finger fits
And even if I can’t stay right here with you in this song
I’m not quite sure that means I have to be gone too long
So come find me when you fall asleep
I promise to leave the lights on in case it’s too dark to see
I’ll shout so loud my voice will echo across the ages
So that when the sound bounces back the octave changes
And even though my words occupy a voice you’ve never heard
I promise you’ll remember the song’s words
But I can’t promise this won’t hurt
And that our hearts will always be able to mend
I can only promise that each time the tide resets
I’ll make my way to shore and find you again
Someway
Someplace
Someday
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 1:42 PM UTC
This moment was never mine
But somehow I found the arrogance to hold onto it
To fear it, to fight it, to somehow decide if it was wrong or if it was right
or if I was even alive inside it, and if I would survive it
To see the next one roll around and drown whatever fragile solace I found.
But before the answer finds me, the next moment and I meet.
And this one isn’t too keen to let me believe it’d be okay to just breathe
Without thinking about the million little reasons I'm too scared to leave
So I’ll stay
And I’ll huff and I'll puff
But no amount of breath will ever be enough
To satisfy the divide between my lungs and my mind
Whatever moment is next to be, but I guess it’s not meant to be
Because I never find the next moment, it always finds me
But there doesn’t seem to be any peace in this fresh start
Only faster thumps from my restless heart
Telling my fingers and knees to shake so violently,
The pillars of sand beneath my feet dissolve back into the sea
And leave me bobbing for air like it isn’t free
And then a new moment hangs its noose around me
and tightens an iron grip around my throat
taunting “think fast kid, dead bodies don’t float”
But I can’t let go, so I just sit there and watch myself choke
And just when the oxygen no longer comes
A new moment claws its way down to the pit of my lungs
Digging up an old ladder with a new set of rungs
I’m still alive, right?
The wires are crossed, but they’re still clicking, the gears are still spinning, clock hands still ticking,
So why am I so incapable of winning?
Which moment am I living in?
Or maybe there’s not much difference between now and then
But before my mind and I can make amends
A new moment interrupts and begins it all again
Send help, dear friend.
Sep 30, 2015
Sep 30, 2015 at 3:29 PM UTC
All I ever wanted was to be certain
Of a love they say should come naturally
As a child I grew believing
You had no love for me
And here I am now, still uncertain
Of what I am to believe
You are still in my dreams
Your love is all I wanted for so long
But what I received is nothing like it
You sent it many times in a message
Telling me you love me, your sorry, and that you have so many regrets
But I want you to know,
I never felt it
Years have gone by
And here I am
18 years old and still wishing for your hand
Something I never truly held
But that would take some kind of miracle,
I know
I promise that no matter what I have ever said
I have always loved you
It's just that his emptiness inside me
Has made me so angry for so long
I may have acted differently
And even if you weren't here to see
I didn't always speak the truth
Most of the time it just hurt too bad
Because I was stupid enough to believe
That maybe you would still come back for me
I no longer expect that
It has been a while since I have spoken of you
Expressing the feelings I have learned to suppress over time
But you still constantly cross my mind
So often I can still feel my heart crush
Maybe one day I'll see you again
How stupid does that sound?
I hope to someday cross your mind long enough
That you'll find this mystical love inside your heart
And you'll come running to find me
Because I think I'm too afraid to come find you
I still miss you, and no matter how much your memory fades
Your voice is still my image of an angel.
Sep 28, 2015
Sep 28, 2015 at 11:57 PM UTC
Sliding across the hall in our socks
As if nothing would ever be wrong
Picking up static
As we carelessly ran along
Turning the corner laughing,
I caught a glimpse of you
But I didn't know how to stop
Out of control I tried to grip the wall
As I watched your last foot disappear in the distance
You ran an entire lap
Before I could even reach the the place
Where you had left me behind
You caught me around the waist and pulled me in
Upon contact I felt a shock
But I ignored as I fell into your eyes
Your lips, your arms, your chest
You were always such a distraction
So much symbolism in those days I was falling in love with you
So many warnings I missed
Sep 25, 2015
Sep 25, 2015 at 3:03 PM UTC
I replay the moment in my head
he lies she said
but I wouldn't listen
and I turn to wipe the regret
of ever believing you off my shoulders
but it stays
adhering to the glue,
of all the trust I put in you
when I was naive enough,
to place my heart in the risk of love
you swore to me promises laced with gold
which wrapped themselves around my soul
now I feel as those promises turn to ash and dust
falling from all you've crushed
and as the ashes blend in with my blood
They run through my veins,
And bring all this pain
I need my stomach pumped
to clean my self of all the **** you fed me
But even a transfusion
Will never truly cleanse and release me
of all the contamination you spread throughout my body
each time you place your hands on me
each time you kissed me with your burning lips
I believed that the sensation
was some magical creation
but really it was the shaking and the vibration
of all the lies you locked inside
bouncing around your mouth
fighting your deceitful lips, trying to come out
and yet I wondered, why you always kept so quiet
so many words unspoken
so many nights I wondered what it was all about
but you were just being cautious
Making sure the wrong words never came out
they say when you lie enough
your lies become who you are
and they are all you are
you made them your life, your faith, your heartbeat
you made those lies all the love you gave me
No wonder I'm stuck here now
Left with all the bruises
of the **** that I convinced myself would never fade
and the red inside my heart
that I never would have thought would bake
into this black coal
which stands in place of my beating heart
so dark and cold
he's lying she tried to convince me
but i turned to pretend I heard a sound in the distance
or someone calling my name
so I could act as if I didn't hear
and quickly rush away
but
If only I had listened.
May 15, 2015
May 15, 2015 at 10:24 AM UTC