You thought you knew me,
Sweet girl, gentle personality.
Never saying no, forever laughing, always obliging.
But you hadn’t met them yet,
The dangerous demons perpetually hiding deep inside me.
Behind warm smiles and glittering eyes,
Darkness was writhing, twisting, rising.
You thought you knew me.
All those late nights laughing and pillow talking quietly,
I filled your impressionable mind with lovely fantasies;
About what we could do, where we’d go, what you meant to me.
If only I could be that girl I pretended to be.
But you failed to see,
I would never be free.
These **** demons had their hold on me.
Shackled to pain, hatred, self doubt,
I morphed into a caged animal,
Seeking any way out.
But with no escape in sight,
I couldn’t outwardly give up the fight.
So I’d smile, laugh, make love,
Pretending everything was alright.
You thought you knew me,
But that was simply an intricate mask.
Beautifully designed and masterfully created,
To hide the corrupt, mangled, darker places.
But that delicately crafted facade couldn’t last.
It was slipping...crumbling...cracking fast.
As time slipped by,
You lost the girl you thought you knew.
Yet just as my demons did to me,
I slowly, methodically manipulated you.
My darkness bled into your once pure veins,
Your love and happiness quickly faded away.
Perhaps you sensed you were broken,
Yet you stayed.
Poor boy.
Even if you had wanted, there was no way out.
Me, my demons, and the darkness had you in chains.
You thought you knew me.
You definitely didn’t at the beginning.
But to your regret, now you do.
Suddenly you notice the fake smile and darkness in my eyes,
Since you learned how to feign happiness too.
I left the moment I knew I had fully broken and corrupted you.
When you first met me,
You thought you understood the girl before you.
Only too late did you realize,
You never really knew me at all.
————
I saw him the other day,
Chatting and laughing with a beautifully innocent girl
A chilly smile slithered across my face,
Watching her fall under his dark spell and the way his lips taste.
Poor girl, you think you know him,
But you don’t.
And you won’t truly see...
Until it’s too late and you’re shattered, broken, and entirely empty inside.
Darling, I know how that feels.
That’s what happened to me originally.
Leaving her to him, I walked away thinking,
“We all become broken humans at the end.”
Oct 2, 2018
Oct 2, 2018 at 10:16 PM UTC
Ever since I was young, it felt like I was constantly under attack. Not from one singular enemy, but many and seemingly unending. I watched as villains raised their needles and plunged them into my body, much like swords slicing through skin. I remember screaming in pain and begging someone to save me, but no one ever came.
I soon learned there would never be a reprieve, it was never going to get any better. There was no prince or savior in my story.
I didn’t realize, or rather want to admit, I had already been mortally wounded. A fiery rage had been lit from the first attacks against me, and try as I might to ignore it, it would keep growing through the years.
The only option I had was to craft myself a suit of armor. It took years to build up something that could withstand the onslaught of constant torture. I worked every day to perfect the armor I showed the world. Every night I’d scrub away the rust and polished it until my soul ached and my heavy heart burned. The tricky thing about this armor was the metal of my defenses shown so brightly, it reflected what others wanted to see. Everyone saw their own version of me, but none of them really understood they were seeing a mere reflection. Not my reality.
What I didn’t realize about this carefully crafted armor was that it was also trapping me. That fire that had been lit so many years ago increasing raged through me. I could feel it burn through my veins with every attack. The armor prevented anyone from seeing it.... but I was girl on fire screaming for help. But my screams were echoed inside my own suit but silenced on the outside.
The worst bit is, if someone tries to reach out, to touch even in kindness, the metal burns them harshly. The fiery rage that’s kindled for so long internally is conducted easily by the metal I’ve wrapped around me. Now, the terrifying truth dawns on me.
There is no way someone can save me without burning themselves. I’ve built myself a metal prison, where I will eventually crumble to ash when the fire dies out.
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 6:13 PM UTC
I'm not sure who to address this letter to, myself or my ex lover...
I've always had this love affair with self destruction. As if life wasn't already difficult enough, I constantly sought out my own blend of vices and chaos to add to the mix. Perhaps something inside me has always been beautifully broken, disastrously unrepairable; so I've endlessly searched for things, places, and people that either were damaged themselves or caused further destruction. It made me feel closer to normal.
Every relationship I had was one I knew was doomed from the beginning. Yet, I chased after them anyway, running after the pain I knew would come. It was almost as if there was a little red button, above certain people or right before I did something incredibly stupid, that screamed and beeped and flashed "DO NOT TOUCH. MUTUAL DESTRUCTION ENSURED." Obviously, I always pressed the button.
While I admit I have caused more people undeserved pain than I care to think about, I should clarify it was never about hurting you. I think somehow I innately understood whatever I was about to do would blow up in my face, send shrapnel ripping through my already wrecked body; and that was what I craved. I was and am addicted to destruction.
Dec 9, 2017
Dec 9, 2017 at 12:57 AM UTC
I guess my mentality is jump or don't, you can't just stand there on a cliff forever. You either can turn around and walk away or run and jump. And when you hit the water, you can swim and enjoy the ocean for awhile or go find a new cliff to jump from or a new ocean to swim in, if this one doesn't suit you.
The future is unpredictable, why stand on the edge forever debating ever tiny thing and waiting for perfect conditions? Nothing is ever going to be perfect.
(Nobody is going to be perfect.)
And if it doesn't work out, get out, dry yourself off, and try again. But don't stand there waiting for perfection, because no matter what cliff you stand on or what ocean you want to jump in, it will never ever be just right.
The water might be freezing at first, but could you get used to it? Or maybe the water is warm and perfect.
Perhaps it's too choppy, but give it time and the tide will slacken and the water will calm.
Yes, there is the potential that the waves will be too big and try to pull you under, but you can fight and swim out if it's too much.
But there's always the chance you learn to swim and it's beautiful and worth it. Worth the fear of jumping, worth trying to figure out.
But you'll never know for certain if you just stand there. Waiting.
I'm not the type of girl to hesitate on the edge and wait. I either jump or leave. I'm not telling you that you have to jump with me. I don't want to feel like I've made someone do something they don't want to do. But I can't just stand here unsure. I've never been that girl.
I've always either gone after what I want, despite every obstacle in my way, or it's not something I want badly enough and I won't follow through.
And if you're waiting for perfect wife conditions and contemplating the high and low tides and thinking years from now, you're going to be on that cliff for a long time. And you might miss out on some fun waves and warm water. The sun might set and it will be too late. But here's the thing, I just know I won't be waiting around for a long time.
We've had a nice long picnic on this pretty little cliff darling, but now it's time for something different. I'm on the edge and ready to jump. Question is, are you?
Apr 10, 2017
Apr 10, 2017 at 7:22 PM UTC
Being with you was like trying to keep water in cupped hands.
No matter how tightly I held, you still seeped through the cracks.
All I wanted was merely a sip,
A tiny taste of the love you had to offer.
I had been thirsty without knowing I needed a drink until you teased me with your cool touch.
But before I could bring my hands to my lips,
The last drop hit the floor.
You were gone.
Leaving me nothing to soothe my chapped lips and burnt heart.
But here's a secret I learned shortly after you left.
I wasn't in a desert and you weren't an oasis.
All I had to do was grab a glass and turn on the tap.
I found a way to quench my thirst from another source,
And from that day I never looked back.
Mar 23, 2017
Mar 23, 2017 at 4:33 PM UTC
The way he talks,
God he's so in love
With the girl before me.
Mar 16, 2017
Mar 16, 2017 at 1:39 PM UTC
There is a war
waging inside me
tearing me
to pieces.
Do I grovel for forgiveness
fight for this
or run...
like I've always done?
I don't know how it works
trying to be
a part of something
bigger than
me.
I feel complete blindness and
terrifying uncertainty.
Is it me?
Am I ruining whatever this is?
Or are you to blame too?
Don't you see
I've never done this before.
Everything is new to me
and I'm trying my best
but I fear I keep faltering...
failing....
falling.
I've only ever looked out for myself
and yet
here I am dancing
on my tippy toes
trying to please you.
No ones ever wanted me
around constantly
so instinctively
I pull back.
I'm not sure I'll ever get this right
especially
if you don't understand my
doubt and
hesitation.
Is this love
or agony?
I didn't know it was possible
to confuse the two.
Some days I feel
oh so high and happy
that's when it's easy to be with you.
But there are days like this where
it appears
I've messed up
again.
Now there's
simply radio
silence.
I'm struggling daily.
If it's all me
if all these mistakes
are only mine to make
do I continue trying?
There's no promise
I'll get better.
I worry in time
you'll get sick
of my constant shortcomings.
But if I give up
run like I've done
what's the cost?
I've lost
you
for good this time.
I'm at a c
r
o
s
roads
Is this love or
agony?
Please just tell me.
Should I fight or flee?
Do you still want
me?
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 6:21 PM UTC
The time ticks by tediously.
It's as if this night is never-ending.
While I lie here waiting, my mind wanders idly.
As usual, my thoughts eventually settle on you.
(A sad nightly ritual, if you will)
Your face swims into focus, but I fear it's blurrier than before.
I can still picture the bright blue of your eyes perfectly,
But the contours of your face are getting fuzzy.
Is this really you I'm remembering,
Or are you slipping away?
I can't even recall the sweet melody of your voice.
This terrifying realization hits me hard.
I'm losing you.
Again.
These memories are all I have.
Please don't take them from me.
I want to scream out, but all I can do is gasp for air.
Once upon a time, you were my everything.
We were supposed to live happily ever after.
But you were stolen from me that stormy night.
I can still hear their words echo through the empty house.
He never felt any pain. He died instantaneously.
Well **** you. You left me with so much pain.
I suffer through it every night.
As I fight with all my might,
To keep your memory alive.
Because I will always love you.
The time ticks by tediously.
I'm just waiting until mine runs out.
Maybe then, we can be together again.
Jan 22, 2013
Jan 22, 2013 at 1:59 AM UTC
Makin' deals with the devil,
just to find some satisfaction.
I sign my name in blood,
nothin' but a dangerous interaction.
But if danger is the only thing that makes me feel,
than so what if I never heal?
I'd rather live like this,
In debt to the devil, than let my own demons run amiss.
So how does it all end?
Simple as this:
I live my life on the edge,
with a simple pledge—
when I finally fall over,
when I die,
tell everyone this:
She only lived this way so she wouldn't be alone.
While everyone turned their backs and let her roam,
The devil waited with open arms,
welcoming her home.
Jan 20, 2013
Jan 20, 2013 at 9:39 AM UTC
Whenever I'm around you, I can't even speak. Your very presence makes my heart thump erratically.
I swear you can hear it.
And to make things worse, I can't even breathe. No, I'm serious. I gasp for breath, literally.
And if it could get anymore embarrassing, I'm pretty sure I'm dripping in my own sweat.
Yet even though I know I'm a wreck;
You look at me like I'm somehow perfect.
I can't imagine what you see in me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I'm around you, I can't believe how lucky I am.
How did I manage to end up with a girl as beautiful as you?
I know you don't believe it when I tell you that you mean the world to me,
But it's true, I'd swear it.
I just can't fathom how you can't see it.
That you are the most unique and wondrous person I've ever met.
And yet, you look at me as if I'm the one whose perfect.
But honestly, I don't know what you see in me.
Jan 20, 2013
Jan 20, 2013 at 9:02 AM UTC