they say poetry is about making your words count,
making something out of nothing,
to make the words make sense only to those who knew--
--those who knew how to read, feel, unfeel and come apart--
but poetry was never easy for me
not when i had no words to explain the pain--
no words to describe the stories behind the faded scars, tanned and bulging still
no words to describe how the once constant flow of black blood onto stationery,
has now entered a moment of stillness, veins closing in on themselves,
the life force of words slowly coming to an end
i never had any words that could explain the emptiness in my ribs,
the pit of feelings growing more and more void as time passed by
years passed, pain came and went, and i still had no words to describe
there were no words that could describe the tiny little whispers past midnight,
beside my mother in our once big, big, bed, or in the bathroom, on the
pristine, white tiles in our former house,
the tiny whispers that were prayers, pleas, and curses thrown out into the darkness
soft, tiny, whispers, giving out what i possibly can without the stress of poetry
i miss you, i'd whisper against my phone, back against a tiled wall
feet skidding against the bathroom tiles as my knees supported my head
i hate you
it was my fault, i chanted silently, tears against my face and the
pillow
all my fault, i stuff my pillow in my mouth, forcing down the sobs,
if i were better, this wouldn't have happened
with each swift stroke of my brush, with a bright red being the only paint color i had
the voices in my head whispering softly, loudly, ringing in my ears
keep going, keep going, it's not enough, you can do it
the ceiling would be my best friend in times like these
being witness, and ear, to all the whispers i let out in the dark
it was the closest i could get to having a canvas, a blank page of a notebook
to write--speak, whisper, plead--poetry on, poetry of my own standards
poetry that made sense, only to me, poetry that was written in a language
that only i could read
this will all be over soon
Jul 5, 2016
Jul 5, 2016 at 2:51 AM UTC
it's been a while since
you, who used to be
my best friend, my light,
have talked to me.
it's been a while since i've seen
your face close up.
your eyes retained the glow of before;
still as bright as before,
still so beautiful, filled with a sense
of tranquility and acceptance
that i still lack for myself
i think they grew even more beautiful over time
it's been so long since
i've heard you call me that name
"linsanity
it's been so long, chi,
it's been so long.
november twenty five
before the night ended
before the celebrations came to a halt
you came in
in the security of my room,
my phone vibrated
**hey linsanity!
happy birthday!
god bless!**
oh.
oh.
oh my god
every fiber in my being shook
an earthquake was happening inside
the lungs that now had
a different resident in them
began to grow wild plants
in distress and joy
hands that have gotten used
to another that weren't his
trembled in sheer panic
and emotion
it's been so long, chi.
i haven't said your nickname
in over two years
yet it still felt right
it still felt like
home
on my tongue
how could this be,
how could you come back
so suddenly, as if
you didn't hurt me?
you, who was my first love,
suddenly came in
like how fall comes in out of nowhere
surprising
something i rarely experience
not very needed
but
not unwanted
i've been waiting
Feb 7, 2016
Feb 7, 2016 at 1:18 AM UTC
turn back the clock to the times
when rain clouds weren't as heavy
and my lungs didn't heave as hard
gasping for air to reach out to you
running
running
running
just getting closer to get farther again from your shadow
how did it come to this, i wonder?
boy meets girl
awkward boy in a jacket all day
short haired girl recovering from pain
it was nothing, really
chance, i'd say
fate, you'd counter
everything starts out great
fingertips barely brushing
against each other
too shy, too shy
secret glances exchanged
in busy hallways.
looking forward to break times;
looking for that special face in the crowd,
but never really going for it
we were cowards
and then it happened
fingers began to reach out for each other
grasping at whatever can be held
tightly
closely
fiercely
but now
your fingertips are spread
wide open, far away
i can't reach them
i run, and run and run
but my legs
can only go so far
take a rest
deep breaths
look back
the gap is so big now
we're still cowards, maybe even bigger ones now
how can i hold your hand now?
Jan 26, 2016
Jan 26, 2016 at 10:02 AM UTC
you cannot be mine to hold.
you were warm and
so was i, but maybe
not as much.
the warmth you radiated was
different
it was not like the sun's
nor like the stars up above
but instead
it was like the warmth of a
gentle embrace –
it was soft and
reminiscent of days
filled with nature and honesty
but i cannot love you.
no matter how warm you were
to the touch of my slightly colder soul,
it was not possible.
it wasn't because it was wrong
(what even is wrong nowadays?)
no, it was because
it isn't safe to love you
you made a strange place into a home
when i was already in one
you made glass bridges seem like something
worth walking over to reach you
gentle steps on a bridge meant to break
tiny, quiet, baby steps
slowly turn into the reckless steps
of a pre teen
and into the breathless gallops
of a teenager in distress and love
you are not my home, but god,
you are so close to it already
and so you see
you cannot be mine hold
this risk is too big for the both of us
and neither of us plans to pick up
what could be left of us
(we already aren't picking up
our residues now,
what more later on?)
Jan 25, 2016
Jan 25, 2016 at 10:39 AM UTC
we are what people sing about, what pop culture is made of;
darling, we are what everyone wants to be--
two idiots in love, happy and content
the building blocks of all young adult novels, everyone's goal
but nobody ever bothers to know how this love came to be
what's behind it, who's had to weep, why it happened
it was love at first sight for him, and she, a few months later
they were happy and awkward, like childhood lovers decades ago
god, were we ******* adorable
i hated how you confessed online, but made up for it
when i confessed back in person, two weeks later
(your blushing face and awkwardness were enough as payment)
you properly asked me out later on, beside my very yellow school bus
we had our first kiss in our school's unkempt football field
honey, we're what everyone wants to be
a couple made up of two distant planets that were apparently meant to create a whole new galaxy entirely
(and we both loved that, didn't we?)
then came our sudden fallout from your part,
and six months
have never seemed so long not until this whole **** happened
there was nothing for those whole six months
silence, dullness, emptiness
the sky looked like what i would see if i were drunk,
just a mess of dark colors with no real meaning and affection to it
everything looked like that, and in the midst of all that
i realized something
honey, from the start, we were what everyone wanted to be
we were in love
but we were never friends, were we?
those six months are done now, and again, we hold hands
the planets are back together, our new galaxy expands each day
i look outside my window,
and each night sky i see turns into another work of art once again
god, i love you so much right now
more than i did before we cracked
(more like before you cracked and i crumbled)
we're slowly piecing ourselves back up
and again, i think:
love, we are why poems need to be romanticized
why stories need to be written by people who love dictionaries
why pop songs are repetitive and love songs are everywhere
we went about this the wrong way, because honey,
we were just lovers,
we were never friends
(that's all changing now, though.
thank god.)
Jun 8, 2015
Jun 8, 2015 at 10:17 AM UTC
as you swept the hair
away from my face,
i thought about how
beautiful your eyes
are.
how the brown of
them all shone behind
your half-rimmed
glasses and how they
seemed to smile
with your lips at me
too.
as you tucked the
blackness behind
my right ear,
i couldn't help but
stare at you only.
the way you chuckled
as i looked sheepishly
at you in confusion was
really enchanting to me.
"you're so weird," you said.
"looking so confused at me
fixing your hair."
"why wouldn't i be?" it was
snarky, but it wasn't supposed
to be. "it's not like a lot do
that to me."
you grinned, and your
yellowish and whitish
teeth looked brighter
than the sun itself.
"well, you got me,
and that's more than
enough to keep you
positive in life."
a warm, calloused hand
found its way to my head.
my hair was messed up,
but it was long and thick,
so it looked proper still.
"a smile looks better on you,
y'know. like how your hair
looks better beside your face."
too bad, all that hair
is gone now.
too bad, that smile
faded more now.
too bad, that girl you
knew grew farther
away now.
too bad, i cannot
see your eyes from
the same angle
anymore.
Oct 13, 2013
Oct 13, 2013 at 7:20 AM UTC
blue stationary
no bigger than my hand
black blood
nearly as thick as our crimson ones
collided
folding the paper, i keep it
my pocket was full that day
and so i emptied it
empty, empty, empty
but not as empty
as you made me feel
afterwards
picture-taking, hugging, dancing
singing at the top of our lungs
throats going hoarse
friendly "i love you" 's
*wishing can **** you*
before you left
i ran
*hug him, one last time
come on*
so i did
eyes downcast, i stuffed my feelings
into your left breast pocket
and ran away
i stood from a safe distance
so near, yet so far
as i watched you read the paper
eyes that resemble the dark soil
where trees are planted and that absorbs sunlight
grew wide behind your glasses
the color of pink roses dusted your cheeks
as if cherry blossom petals began to grow on you
silently, you keep the paper
as other eyes began to pry
you sent me little look that i caught
and our eyes met
you've never turned away so quickly away from me
until then
later that day
in the confines of my school bus
i texted you
**i'm sorry for running out on you
and just stuffing the letter in your pocket
but
i'm not sorry for giving it
and
...
yeah
sorry.**
you texted me later on,
it's alright
march eighteen
the day before our finals
you stopped texting me.
ever since then,
our eyes avoided each other
nicknames
drowned like fishes that were poisoned
holding hands
became nothing but a memory
jackets
lost their warmth
pen-tapping
was nothing but noise
and smiling
became nothing
however, on the last day of school
you came to me
you, whose eyes still continued to
avoid mine
slowly turned to face me
the cherry blossoms
looked so beautiful on your
pimple decorated cheeks
i thought
that you were there to talk to me
to say that you liked me back
that i was pretty
that you
needed me too
ah, but
you didn't
you
never
will
you were there for your other friends
friends that were my friends too
friends,
who cheered me on after i gave you the letter
when all others laughed at me
friends
that mean more to you
than i ever will
you stride through the halls
and wait as they came out
knowing full well
i was doing the same
you and i
face to face
on different sides
of the hallway
hands holding onto backpacks
eyes avoiding each other
glasses slightly off the edge
our friends soon came out
and the time for us to truly part
was near
maybe you knew it too
before i left, you tapped me on the shoulder
"Hey,"
i smiled a small smile of melancholy
"Hey."
"Enjoy your summer, Linsanity."
that *****
no bigger than my fist
clenched like it
it cracked
shattered
and was pierced
by the sheer happiness
innocence
on your face
ah,
i
see
*it hurts, it hurts
it hurts so much*
"You too."
and so,
we parted
you passed north
and i,
south.
your secret nickname was
gone
your public nickname was
gone
all that was left
was your last name
and it tasted
bitter
on my tongue
yet
why
am i
still
"linsanity"
to you?
Sep 7, 2013
Sep 7, 2013 at 10:11 AM UTC
hands fly everywhere
loud rock music blasting through the speakers
clothes messy and tousled all around
some guy's lips on mine
bodies entangled on the couch
i hope that it's my prince chariming
the one i'm dreaming of
at seven years old
attending concerts wearing an extra ear piercing
few chain bracelets on my bony wrists
screaming in a mosh pit
with a guy who swore he'd stay by me forever
singing at the top of our lungs
in a moment i wish would last forever
silently, i wish the concerts we'd attend
are the concerts i wanted to see
when i was fourteen
tumbling in heels i wish i'd wear
when i finally get into that dress
that dress, pristine white
flowing and trailing behind me
with a silver ring on my ring finger
given by you
and walking to the altar
to have you slip another ring onto me
this time
a golden one
to symbolize our eternity
i wish it'd be the same kind
of wedding that
i wished for
when i were twelve
helping carry huge loads of water on my shoulders
forcing my dad to "sit the hell down and take a rest"
and doing his work for him
while my mom catches up with him on the years they've lost
as they both enjoy their retirement years
and maybe or not thinking of getting a new job
to still keep this family standing
i hope that my family would never
break again
like what happened when i was eleven
alumni homecomings
my friends and i would go back to our second home
the home that kept us awake at night
with endless cramming
and strong lectures
we'd stroll along the hallways
hug old teachers
throw chairs and peel off their dull colors
and write under blackboards
like we're students again
but for me, i'd interact with the students
checking the covered courts and the field's grandstand
seeing people with their eyes closed
hands outstretched forward
sweat rolling down their faces
as their seniors shout at them
i would smile to myself then
when the closed eyelids flutter open and the arms set down
and the students are instructed to stand up
the seniors of that time give out a command
and they, along with the others who were sweating profusely
would face me,
the one leaning over the metal bars
smiling and waving with nostalgia
a sign
that i have accomplished my dream
at sixteen
i'd go back
and find you as well
in the same building
interacting with your old crush
who grew prettier with time
she'd wave at me
you would too
i'd feel my ribs squeeze against my heart
and i'd wave back
again, that jealousy comes back
that same jealousy i felt when you
asked me to prom
at fifteen
but i trust you
and you trust me too
so i carried on
because i knew that later
you'd come back to my house
and we'd have a movie marathon
or we'd play call of duty again
then we'd cuddle and sleep together
and fall out of the couch the next morning
i believe, i believe
i do, i really do
but i knew it was hard
with all the scars i have to prove it
i knew it was hard to stay positive
when i knew disaster was just there
with us
with me
at last, i'd experience the harsh reality again
the moment i fall out of those equally pristine white heels
when i realize that i'd never wear those shoes or that gown
because by then, you'd be gone
you'd come to realize how much of a failure i am
and how worthless i really am
how much prettier she was than me
how she's much more worth it than me
and how she could make you happier
than i can
all my fears at fourteen
came true at nineteen
but then i'd wake up and i'd realize
i'm still fourteen
it was all a dream
which i don't have the heart to call a nightmare
and instead
i'd call it a premonition
of the years to come
just like the scars i never thought i'd have
when i were four
or when i were ten
the scars
they tell me how much i've failed
and will fail
so i think back on my dream
and smile a little at the ending
of nineteen me
living the last of my teenage years
for your own good,
it was probably better you left too
cause y'know
i'd leave me too
at fourteen
Aug 26, 2013
Aug 26, 2013 at 2:07 AM UTC
the first and second songs were beautiful ones
melodious and calming ones
about the beauty of nature
and how it does nothing yet so much
how it seems so dull yet beautiful
just like your eyes
the third song was an upbeat song
the kind of tunes that all would dance to
repetitive choruses and long instrumentals
like a circle, they remind me of your
so very long patience on things
the fourth song
was a song filled with raps and curses
talking about injustice and yet
it talks about *** and enjoying it
somehow however, it was nice to listen to
just like you when you get irritated
and yet, find happiness in the
little, irritating things
the fifth song was a song of nonsense
completely irrational
very messy
like paint splattered all over
a white wall
and yet so desirable
just like your smile
that you throw around
to everyone you see
you always thought the number six was
the devil's number
and found it cool
so i placed a song that makes people feel good about themselves
a song that was 'cool'
which was just like how you perceived yourself as
like how you always thought you were cool
and told me with a grin
and i always disagreed
with a little stupid smile of my own
the number seven was a special number to us
our common best friend's jersey number
your class number
my score in a two consecutive math quizzes
our little specialnumber
so i placed our song
a special song that you let me hear
after you heard me sing and said
"you have a nice voice, i think
this song would suit it."
i can never forget that song
so i have it on my mixtape too
you disliked the number eight
for some odd reason
which did not bother me
so i placed a song that irritated you
but made me happy
just to spite you
and to see you get flustered and ******
all at once like no one could
because i like
having you tell me everything you feel
like i do to you
number nine reminded you of
things that were ***** and pretty
so i placed a sensual song
that talked about a guy not deserving
his female admirer
who wanted to love him badly
physically and emotionally
because he did too
a song that was pure guitar
pure voice and soul
and raw emotions
that i believe would make you want to
sing along to it as well
like i do
the tenth song was a sad song
because once you failed a math quiz
with a mark of ten out of twenty
the same score as mine
but i didn't place a song that we both know
a song we both decided on
that was sad
no, instead
i put a song that i knew
but you didn't
which i believed was sadder
because it was like
how you treated me after
i gave you that letter
and made me sad
like this song
the eleventh and twelfth songs were made as one
but had to be cut off due to its length
it talked about a boy who wanted nothing more
than to keep the one he loved all to himself
a boy that flew
and crashed
for a girl that never knew
just like me
when i wanted nothing more
than to send you this mixtape
and have you say to me
a simple "thank you"
or maybe even
a little wishful
"i love you too."
Aug 25, 2013
Aug 25, 2013 at 5:05 AM UTC
cold air hits her harshly
toes shiver as hair stands up
bringing a blanket closer to her self
the rain continues to pelt
and she continues
to indulge herself in words
that provide her home and warmth
she was a quiet one in tongue
but a loud one in hands and heart
she wrote endlessly about her pain
about how no one ever heard her speak
how no one ever saw her tongue dart out
she wrote it all to a man
who would never notice her words
or ever hear her cries
the cold air was harsh, and she had no blanket
rain pelted down mercilessly on her body
bare feet touching little oceans of waters
the sea bed being cemented and lined yellow
traffic lights jammed
no consistent lighting in sight
heart drowned in the flood
rain coming from the heart
overflowing through her eyes
she took a gulp
cloudy eyes drifting upwards to a window
a man pushing a woman against the glass
plumped fleshes on their faces
touching one another
how she wished to be the woman
all her words dried up in her throat
every thought became frozen in her mind
no pen in sight
no paper to crumple and catch her tears
the flood was overflowing in her heart
and yet it continued to rain
she shrugged off her thin jacket
and she shivered
hair stood up
toes trembled
no source of warmth
silently
she lunged herself forward
not noticing the eyes from above
and the scream that erupted behind the window
but instead
noticing the car
that was swerving recklessly
in her direction
the one that kept her stationary
was the one that pushed her
him.
Aug 22, 2013
Aug 22, 2013 at 12:55 AM UTC