for how else could i be haunted
months after you've gone?
at first
it stung
wandering through this world alone
after belonging to you for so long
every song cried out your name
i had to plug my ears for peace and quiet
and then slowly
and with tremendous subtleness
it got easier
the nights were not plagued with memories
i reclaimed the streets we once walked on
i created my own religion
away from you
and everything you reminded me of
i found solace in getting to know myself
when the host is gone, who is the parasite, really?
i climbed into myself and found
all the things you loved about me
and all the things you learned to hate
it takes a long time to forgive someone who broke your heart
but a longer time to forgive yourself for allowing it.
the heartbreak didn't scar me;
instead, it was like the time i sprained my knee
in the second grade
it felt like i was dying in the moment
until
weeks later
it didn't
and now the only reminder i have of that day is the soreness i feel every winter when it's cold
and my body remembers what my mind forgot
Apr 16, 2022
Apr 16, 2022 at 1:49 PM UTC
I look for any excuse to get in the car nowadays.
the bed I once found comforting feels lonely and cold
and I have to remind myself I've always been the only person
who sleeps on it
it's like I miss someone who never existed,
a slim shadow from another dimension of something that once
brought me warmth
I fall out of my bed
a puddle of last night's tears
slipping into the shower counting on the same broken promise
that I'll feel better when I get ready
because how can you hate yourself when you look beautiful?
trying hard to find an outfit feels hypocritical
no one's gonna see me
no one's gonna care
I'm just putting on something
because I want to feel like I'm the main character of my own show for once in my life
I want to feel that this day is mine to conquer
so I climb into my car
the only safe space I have left
untainted by the tears that have been shed over text messages
and fights between my sister and me
it's like rolling down the windows clears the air inside and
in screaming lyrics to the same three songs
I finally breathe
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 12:13 AM UTC
many poets attempt to dress depression up to be
a fancy visitor in a gloomy suit,
like some rich guy from the forties
with the cool hats
but that's not it at all.
now, given, everyone experiences depression differently,
but to me it feels like it's entangled into my every breath
i feel like the tree wrapped in poison ivy i found once
when i was a kid
and i grabbed one of the leaves like an idiot
and rubbed it on my face because
"the leaves are soft, mommy"
and then i had to stay home for like, a week, until
the rashes went away.
and, so,
it is part of my humor now,
and my breath, and my laugh, and my every blink,
and even when i don't think it's there, it is-
and it's not always destructive.
sometimes it gives me a break from the anxiety and i can just sit back and let myself be mellow and tired
THUS
it's okay that i am depressed
and for the longest time i thought
it was a part of me
and getting rid of it would be getting rid of a part of me
but i have come to realize
that the healing process
is CONSTRUCTION only
and nothing will be destroyed as i get better.
rather,
flowers will grow out of my volcanic ash
and the fog will only linger in a way that makes a day look beautiful
and I get to decide what i do with this palace of a brain that was granted to me.
that's what i think about tonight.
Nov 8, 2018
Nov 8, 2018 at 8:52 PM UTC
one of the things i'll never get over as a depressed person
is the feeling of utter e m p t i n e s s...
you don't know it till you feel it
and you don't feel it because it's absence of a feeling that you feel
suddenly nothing makes sense and you yearn for a pen to scribble your thoughts down on a piece of paper that you will never let anyone read anyways so what's the point
your questions stop having ?s at the ends of them and the threads in your heart are undoing themselves until you have annihilated your chances for sanity
you listen to music you wouldn't normally like to listen to, but your person of interest told you to listen to them so you do
and taking pills becomes a habit and sometimes you forget why you even take meds because i thought for a long time that feeling like a gray cloud 24/7 was normal until someone put it into a box and labeled it
"chronic depressive disorder"
Nov 8, 2018
Nov 8, 2018 at 8:44 PM UTC
it ***** that it feels like all the sentiments have stolen,
and as a poet,
i am restricted to comparing things to other things.
for an example:
today i was sitting on a bench
during a misty november night
watching a tv show on my phone
(because goodness knows
how much more i'd rather be
wasting my time
than actually doing things)
and suddenly i felt the need to love
and be loved
and that was crazy to me,
mainly because i hate love and love is stupid and mushy and unnecessary and everyone who has ever loved has died
but then listening to the weeknd suddenly made me sad again and i wished that i could be in his arms because, sure, they look like any other teenage boy's arms, but the fact that they're
HIS arms
makes me wish i was wrapped in them
like a present under the Christmas tree.
Nov 8, 2018
Nov 8, 2018 at 8:39 PM UTC
i am the moon but less beautiful
simply mirroring what is thrown my way
i am the moon
only a part of me is available for your eyes
the cold, shrouded depths of me are hidden away from you
you love the moon
because you love the scant silvery light
and not the bite that life has taken out of me
leaving me as a lonely crescent
Oct 25, 2018
Oct 25, 2018 at 9:37 AM UTC
the One thing i like about feeling down
is how the feelings in my chest
rip open the phosphorus coat on my
match of a heart
letting everything out with the beautiful destruction and chaos that comes with fire.
fire. fire. flames and fire. how magnificent a sight it is to see myself blow up into tiny shards of lava rock.
Oct 25, 2018
Oct 25, 2018 at 9:31 AM UTC
a cactus and a boat
were millions of miles apart
when the boat suddenly smelled the danger and went all those miles to see the little cactus
the cactus had grown up hating affection
rejecting every single touch
and the boat was determined to change this
so the stupid stupid stupid boat went onto the land
and somehow got all the way to that cactus plant
and when it got there it expected a hug and all it got
was ****** arms and a broken heart
Aug 25, 2018
Aug 25, 2018 at 7:24 PM UTC
yesterday night, i know you saw the text bubble with the ellipses
and you must have been wondering
what the HECK i was typing
because i did a lot of backspacing and suddenly that text was
g o n e
and you never got the terrifying notification that would put all the weight of the world on your shoulders
as you read that the world's smallest soul had a thing for you!
you never got the text i was supposed to send when i was rocking back and forth within my own mind
trying to figure out how to own up to what i wanted to send
i wanted to send you a simple 3 words ( i like you )
and yet i did a lot of backspacing before i got the nerve and
now the moment is gone.
Aug 25, 2018
Aug 25, 2018 at 7:18 PM UTC