i am trying so hard to fall in love with life.
with dewdrops and frost on trees. wild little animals living their wild little lives. i want to accept its imperfections. to reach the point where i can accept that world is unimaginably large, and we are all individuals with our own lives, thoughts, and actions. we all breathe. we all sleep. we post on social media, look at others, and wonder how accurate it is to them and their lives. i want to accept that i will never be in someone else's mind, listening in on every fleeting thought. i want to accept that some people are just mean. they exist on this earth full of misery & dissatisfaction with their own lives. reckless. maybe they're just bored. lonely. who knows? who cares? i want to be able to think "who cares?" and truly believe it.
i want to fall in love with the soft light of the evening, spilling lazily across counters and walls. i want to enjoy early mornings and explore abandoned buildings, making up scenarios that could have taken place there years before. i want to find happiness in the tiniest things. old bookstores, pharmacies in the late hours, hints of smiles on the subway from a collectively eavesdropped joke.
we may all be specks compared to the universe, but i want to believe that i can create my own meaning to life. work, bills, politics. they are so minuscule when it comes down to it all. life isn't just some aesthetic, i know. there will be days that make it seem not worth living the rest of mine, but i want to want to push through it. if i decide to grow old, i don't want any regrets. only nostalgia. not what could have been, but what was.
Jan 6, 2021
Jan 6, 2021 at 9:38 PM UTC
today
i am thinking for myself
i think?
i’m not quite sure
you told me to just be myself
to construct my own thoughts and
demolish the ideas that years of
constant bashing
toxicity
and taught irrational fear instilled in me
so today. i am thinking for myself
you told me to smile more
live a little! you said
i should forget what people think
not care about the constant murmur i seem to always hear
i am me
and that is enough.
right?
but what do you think?
am i smiling enough?
happy enough?
forgetting enough?
thinking enough?
im thinking
im thinking
im thinking
my mind can only paint a lie so big
i can’t think anymore
im not me anymore
i don’t think i’ve ever been me
i don’t think i even know what that means
i don’t think its occurred to me that i’ve only ever been who people want me to be
i don’t
think.
i can’t.
i am not thinking today
i’m not thinking at all
Feb 28, 2020
Feb 28, 2020 at 11:36 AM UTC
her mouth, tainted by the faded taste of cigarettes
spoke of the horrors that filled her mind
her hands, battered and bruised
shook as they returned
her lips trembled
he thought that only happened in stories
her eyes welled
he didn’t know what to do
she was pulled in an embrace
and he held her tight
her chest shook with every rattling breath she took
a desperate attempt to hold back the crawling smoke slipping through her cigarette tainted mouth and trembling lips
a cry wanting to escape
but her teeth were a prison and there were no bars
only stone on top of stone
preventing that smoke from fleeing
so moments go by
until the horrors passed her mind
her hands lay still
and her lips settled
eyes emptied
those rattling breaths turned deep
and he didn’t notice
because with her in his clutch
he could only think about the time when he thought
that people like her
only existed in stories
Feb 24, 2020
Feb 24, 2020 at 12:01 PM UTC
if i can't live without you, then there's nothing left to do but die
Feb 19, 2020
Feb 19, 2020 at 1:44 PM UTC
im afraid of recovery
because i’m afraid i’ll actually get better
i’m afraid i’ll actually want to eat
want to live
want to be happy
this hole that i’m in is as much of me as i am of it
it’s all i know
i’m tired being here but i don’t want to leave
im afraid of recovery
because im afraid of who i’ll be
and who i’ll see
when i look to this past
and wonder
why i was so afraid of recovery
Feb 19, 2020
Feb 19, 2020 at 11:32 AM UTC
i sent my mind into the universe
**** it
it came back empty
Feb 18, 2020
Feb 18, 2020 at 6:05 PM UTC