I guess the only reason I never ended it
Is because I was afraid of what would happen if I failed
Apr 18, 2017
Apr 18, 2017 at 9:39 PM UTC
I thought I was happy
Thought it would be like this forever
One ounce of hope and suddenly
All my old habits
The ones everyone said were bad
Now they're in a package on my doorstep
And I'm letting them in again
But building walls is a trend now
And hiding the truth isn't lying right?
I guess I'll never mend what you broke
Even 3 years later
But the pain helps
Apr 16, 2017
Apr 16, 2017 at 6:07 PM UTC
I used to be espresso
Til you watered me down
Now I'm hardly anything
Anything at all
Apr 25, 2014
Apr 25, 2014 at 1:32 AM UTC
I didn’t eat today
I ate in the morning
But just a few bites
So I would survive the day
Without fainting
Because I had to work
I ate just now
Because my friend was skeptical
And I just wanted her
To think
That I was okay
So she wouldn’t worry
I told the only one that knows
I told him that my
Head felt dizzy
Eyes saw black spots when I stood up
Fingers and face and ankles felt numb
He told me to eat
I said I don’t want to
Then he asked me if I wanted to live
And said to eat
But I couldn’t answer
Because I’m not sure if I know
My body feels weak
But my head feels strong
Because I’m not giving in
I have control
Apr 2, 2014
Apr 2, 2014 at 8:11 PM UTC
I never thought it would be like this.
When I was little, I always imagined I would have this perfect life.
I would go off to college,
Find the man of my dreams and marry him,
Make beautiful children,
Work at the perfect job,
Come home from work,
Cook dinner with my husband,
Play the piano and drink a glass of wine.
But nothing is turning out like I imagined.
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That someday
Eating would be hard for me
That I would have to force myself
Not to give into the nausea
To just eat whatever I wanted
I would have said, “No, never, not me”
Because I thought my life would be perfect
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That one day
I would go to college
And I would let someone abuse me
Physically
Emotionally
And verbally
Someone who was supposed to love me
But who triggered my disease
Who used my vulnerability to get me to want him
Who said the right things to build me up
Only to tear my down
I would have said, “You’re crazy, that would never happen”
Because I thought I would find true love
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That I would rethink every decision I’ve made
Up to this point in my life
That I would close myself off from everyone I love
Because I’m scared I’m not good enough
I would have said, “I am good enough
Because my beauty reigns on the inside and out
And I’m a good friend
And I’m kind
And I’m gentle
And I’m worth it”
Somehow I always imagined and thought the best
And maybe that’s what I’m missing now
Hope
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 11:55 PM UTC
I can’t begin to tell you how messed up it is
How I’ve let you dictate how I perceive love
That I’ve convinced myself, no matter how
Pretty
Smart
Funny
Kind
I am
I will somehow always find the bad within the good
Because that’s what you were
So now
I consume myself with petty, childish crushes
On boys who don’t know I exist
Because at least this way, I won’t have to feel
I won’t have to open up my heart
There may not be bruises on my skin anymore
But they’re still there
On my soul
On my heart
On my perception of men
On my perception of myself
I cannot recover from the illness of you
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 11:55 PM UTC
My heart is as heavy with sorrow and regret
As your head is heavy with evil thoughts
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 11:54 PM UTC
It’s like you’re in my bloodstream
And my body is trying to detox
But it can’t get you out
Sometimes I have nightmares
About the things you would say
How you made me feel
And other times I think about
When I would say stop and you wouldn’t
And I would hold back the tears
I can’t remember why
But I didn’t think you were wrong
I thought it was my fault
Because my warped self esteem
Somehow taught me
That I deserved it all
And now I’m an anxious mess
Even though you’re gone
You’re still here
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 11:53 PM UTC
It's much easier to be okay
When the person that's always encouraged you to keep it together
Is there to keep you from falling apart
Oct 15, 2013
Oct 15, 2013 at 12:24 PM UTC
Someday is not today
But someday I will fall in love
When your hand is in mine
Someday I'll wake up next to you
I'll pull you close
And breathe you in
Someday I'll make love to you
And as our bodies entwine
You'll show me the magic in love
Someday I'll wear a white dress
And as I walk towards you
I'll smile your favorite smile
Someday I'll look into your eyes
In the faces of our children
And I'll adore them because they'll be half you
Someday is not today
But today
I look forward to someday
Oct 14, 2013
Oct 14, 2013 at 12:59 AM UTC