I have disappeared
Into a small town
In a desert
With a purple sun
And an indigo sky
This town is called Night Vale
And I think
I may have found
My home
Mar 18, 2016
Mar 18, 2016 at 10:25 PM UTC
I can feel
Fear begin
To take hold of me
With almost every pulse
Of my weak heart
I can feel it with me
Like the remnants of drugs I created
Fear of nighttime
Or rather who takes its veil
And hides behind it
Outside of my window
In the places that we all don't dare to check
Fear of consciousness
As in sitting in a room
Where noise replaces oxygen
And being separated from
Any action or conversation
By a thick, bulletproof glass wall
Fear of conspicuousness
Like when you know
As you are doing something
That is secret or covert
You can feel eyes on your back
And you realize
That it is all over
Fear of loss
When everything is good
And your soul is finally mending
And your plans are unseen
But that sinking feeling
Settles in your stomach
18 hours later
The comfortable, warm feeling is stolen
My fears are more faithful
Than friends or lovers or family
They'll never leave me
Never let me feel alone
They stay awake with me
When it's two AM
And I'm frozen in my bed
Waiting...
for another sound
Jan 4, 2016
Jan 4, 2016 at 9:23 PM UTC
The people
I hate most
have all
of the qualities
that I hate
about myself
Dec 20, 2015
Dec 20, 2015 at 9:25 PM UTC
You inspire me
Not in the cliche way
The girl with the troubled past
Inspires the artist boy with the tattoo
And they fall in love
Just like in all the movies
I find myself writing about you
When I sit down at my desk
To do homework
Or poetry
Or sing
And I know we only have
A certain amount of time together
(You will graduate soon
and my mother won't let me see you
and my emails will go to the wrong address
and my calls will go to your brother
instead of you)
And that time
Seems to be slipping away from us
As 15 turns to 16
And as smoke turns to vapor
But I am determined
To capture every moment we have together
Photographs, sharpie stains, swapped clothes
Until they all run away from us
Down the 3rd floor hallway
Of building D
In size 7.5 platform shoes
And a white pirate shirt
Like the one on the cover
Of a 90 cent romance novel
I know sometimes
That we aren't good for each other
Like that time I brought you to tears
When we were with Jess
Or that time you let me smoke
And my mom
Almost pulled me out of school
But I really couldn't care less
Because I will take these moments
In their smokey, tear drop depression
And I will keep them
With the rest of the things
That remind me of you
Dec 20, 2015
Dec 20, 2015 at 2:57 PM UTC
sometimes
i forget who i am
not my name or location
just what sets me apart
due to desire
to be more like someone else
i just have to remember
i am an escapist
i am a vagrant
i am a writer
i am a pyromaniac
i am an inhabitant of purgatory
i am half living
i am an addict
i am a statistic
i am a radio wave surfer
i am a bridge burner
i am a coffee stain
i am two young lungs
i am the girl across the hallway
in an old jean jacket
with paint on her cheek
trying not to cry
and i hope someone remembers
because i'm trying to forget
that i exist
to make it unreal
Dec 19, 2015
Dec 19, 2015 at 2:06 AM UTC
when i sit
at a table
with people
i know
dont want me
when i drink
can after can
cup after cup
of electricity
and anxiety
when i dont
want to go home
but cant stay
here
when its after one am
and im still crying
out of my eyes
and out of my arms
and my legs
and my stomach
when i want to run
in all directions
at once
when i sing
when i speak
i feel
myself crawling
out of my skin
Dec 17, 2015
Dec 17, 2015 at 12:15 PM UTC
in first grade
i had my first crush
on a boy
who told me
that i was annoying
and to leave him alone
in second grade
i pretended to be a witch
and my friends
cast spells
and rode invisible brooms
in third grade
i lost a spelling bee
because i misspelled
the word cotton
in fourth grade
i started my first diet
because my sister
made fun of my baby fat
in fifth grade
i had to get an appendectomy
and when i came back
people remembered me
only because i was gone
in sixth grade
I started skipping lunch
to go to the library
and sit in the bathroom
and cry
until class started
in seventh grade
i pulled apart a shaving razor
and sliced the inside of my wrist
and hid the small line
with a bracelet
made of denim
in eighth grade
i cut all my hair off
with safety scissors
and i learned
that no one will date me
and that my lips will never be kissed
in the ninth grade
i smoked
and wrote
and stopped talking
because no one wanted
to know that i existed
and i don't
think i will make it
to tenth grade
Dec 16, 2015
Dec 16, 2015 at 7:35 PM UTC
today
I decided to stop talking
to see if anyone
really wanted to talk to me
or if I was just forcing myself
upon them
and I realized
as I sat in silence
that my words
are worthless
and always have been
yesterday
I screamed out loud
and no sound came out
but I felt
the inside of my mouth
rip apart
and I didn't cry
tomorrow
I went to the beach
with words in my pockets
weighing them down
like tiny stones
and I went for a swim
and let the words
pull me down
and let the water
fill my lungs
and I screamed
again
it made no sound
Dec 16, 2015
Dec 16, 2015 at 1:26 PM UTC
i am becoming strange
who is stranger
me or the girl i dont know
sitting next to me
on the bus
my hands shake
as i try to remember
your telephone number
at the corner payphone
i keep on glitching
itching and twitching
and i miss-dial your number
and my quarter is wasted
i slept with a stranger
girl than i remember
but not how you think
it was that she fell down
in the middle of the party
and the glitching and twitching
reminded me of you
so i carried her
and put her
in my spare bedroom
and that was it
when she left
i went back to the payphone
to tell you about it
my my hands were still shaking
and i miss-dialed your number
but it went to your mother
who explained to me again
why you can't pick up
she said you slept
in a nice box downtown
after you got too drunk
and your bike hit a truck
i said that i remember
how you glitched and twitched
how you were hospitalized
for a week or two
and then when you got out
you forgot to call me
she told me that you cant call
anymore
because you sleep
in a nice box downtown
with your grandma and uncle
after she hung up
i went to talk to you
in this nice box downtown
but before i got there
i got too drunk
and my bike hit a truck
and now i can see you
in your nice box downtown
but you still
dont return
my calls
Dec 10, 2015
Dec 10, 2015 at 7:19 PM UTC
Coffee is my life blood
A love affair as strong as I like it
Sweet as I want it
Shots if I'm tired
Weak when I'm wired
All a-bored the caffeine espresso
Oops, I mean express
Express my adoration
The sole foundation
To my motivation
To reach completion
And finish my work
Late at night
Early in the mourning
After the wake-ing
Lazy afternoons
And in the evening
I'll add my sweetening
Or keep it bitter
Like the glares
From my mother
As I fill up another
Cup of smooth, brown freedom
Add some nitro
When I'm dead
To refill my head
With the words that I said
A moment ago
I'll take it blow by blow
Shot by shot
Milligram by milligram
Of caffeine, coffee, constant
Reminder of how easy
It is to get rid
Of exhaustion
Even if only for a moment
Or a lunch break
Or a tired mourning
Or as I write this poem
I love you, coffee
In any way, shape, or form
That you may come
In any size or flavor
To get me to savor
The tang of the coffee
As long as I'm longing
For some more caffeine
My addiction isn't waning
As my love grows for you
With each sip I swallow
And each nickel I borrow
Just to buy
One more cup
Dec 9, 2015
Dec 9, 2015 at 10:18 AM UTC