here i am sat in the windowsill
of a person's office while they're working
if i am slow enough, and quiet enough
maybe i will be able to get by
but i am so lost and they look so intelligent
i want to ask them for directions back outside.
the tree in the window, a foul reminder of where i was before
all this happened.
i stare at it, and it stares back at me with a strange sense of distant
sympathy, the tree.
the human at their wooden desk
with machines whirring and fans spinning
takes notice of me here.
and oh, my woes,
i shall spill them on this windowsill
and lament for a life short lived.
these days, a spider is no short of 8 steps toward death
after seconds of being born.
but i am old, and i have lived
a great three months of my life.
somewhere between half or a quarter of my lifespan.
middle age has been kind to me, i am plump and i am intelligent.
my webs will serve as a story for the others to see
a warning for them to read that this human is
like the others i have heard of,
cruel.
but, they stand up, and they speak to me.
they call me friendly. they inspect me.
i feel rather embarrassed, so i try to hide behind the blinds
but the human opens them, and their big eyes peer into all eight of mine.
i try to escape but i'm frozen to the windowsill.
"this is it", i begin to say my final speech. my family is somewhere outside, resting, while i am face to face with death.
and the human stares at me, and speaks to me
like the giant furry thing with three legs that they called 'cat',
and for a moment that at first felt fleeting, and soon became a warmth, i felt... loved.
"friendly little intruder! you shouldn't be here, you'll starve."
they say with their sing-songy voice.
they skitter out, much like i move myself in the windowsill.
i try to find a means to hide, or a bug to eat. a place to make a web, and hope that i am scary enough for them to leave me alone.
but they return, and they place a dome over my head.
at first, i am fearful. they are so much bigger than i,
and i have heard the stories.
but, the shoe that they had brought sits idly. it is not an expectation, but a last resort.
and i peer into the dome, and see caring, gentle eyes distorted through plastic peering back at me.
a smile on their face, a shaking to their breath.
we're both scared, but for different reasons.
i want to ask them: why? why do you help me and why are you scared? i cannot hurt you.
they whisper that they don't want to hurt /me/.
and then it all feels so fleeting, from that point on.
i watch their nurturing gaze through the lens, before it is lifted above my head.
this time, i freeze, but not out of fear. we are working together to go back outside.
i am introduced to a small plastic wrapper of something too big and too foreign for me to understand,
but, what i did understand, is that there is my way out of this windowsill.
so i crawl on it, and the human puts me in their little plastic dome
a lid with freshly pierced holes for breathing comes down over it, trapping me inside for my brief ride to the outdoors.
when the big front door opens,
i wonder if i could show my gratitude.
so i linger a while, and i stare at the human who stares back at me with a patient smile.
i wiggle my my chelicerae, cleaning them with my fangs to show content.
the human recognizes it.
i have never felt safer, in these few seconds, than with this human and this mystery plastic out on the concrete of their porch.
"you will have a much easier, and better time out here, little spider friend!" they beam, and i cannot help but hesitate going home.
because what is one more day and night in the windowsill
of a friendly human and their plastic domes, and cheerful eyes?
there is no harm in staying, when they will not **** me.
so i think i will invite my friends, next time.
Sep 4, 2024
Sep 4, 2024 at 11:47 AM UTC
when i feel ugly or unwanted, i wear jeans to bed.
and when i feel hurt and worthless, i wear jeans to bed.
so when you told me without words that i wasn't good enough for commitment, i wore jeans to bed.
and when i call things off between us, i'll wear jeans to bed.
Nov 23, 2020
Nov 23, 2020 at 1:13 PM UTC
your staring made me uncomfortable. not in the way that i felt your eyes penetrating my skin, but in the way that you are not allowed to look at me because you have chosen not to notice me for days now. you don't deserve to see me, i am invisible to you now, or at least i should be.
your haunting presence made me feel inadequate. your eyes on my skin reminded me that you only feel obligated to spend time with me. everything i thought that was real never was. how am i going to bring myself to tell you no when you finally decide you want to call and tell me all about it? you don't deserve to hear me, you don't deserve to recognize me after telling me you feel obligated. you can feel obligated elsewhere, then. i'm removing myself, now. i'm sorry.
i wish i was good enough.
Nov 6, 2020
Nov 6, 2020 at 10:13 AM UTC
i'd rather be silent, than speak and not be heard, so when you told me you felt OBLIGATED to spend time with me, i just shut my mouth.
when a vase breaks in an empty house, and no one's there to blame, did it ever break at all?
i am that vase.
when you told me you felt OBLIGATED, did you mean that all the time, or just that one time? do you feel OBLIGATED to kiss me? when do you stop feeling OBLIGATED and start actually giving a **** about me?
i can't even tell you how i feel right now. you'll feel OBLIGATED to pity me for being upset. your emotions are more important to me than my own anyway, i guess i just feel OBLIGATED to put everyone above me. i never feel OBLIGATED to care about myself.
so when you feel OBLIGATED to hang out with me, maybe start to learn to feel OBLIGATED to tell me you don't want to. so that i don't feel like you always felt OBLIGATED to look at me.
my hurt is no one else's burden to carry, but mine, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
so maybe feel a little OBLIGATED to stop asking me what you did wrong. maybe feel a little OBLIGATED to stop feeling OBLIGATED to spend time with someone you call a friend.
Nov 4, 2020
Nov 4, 2020 at 6:31 PM UTC
but you didn't feel the same.
you felt an obligation to make someone happy, why?
you lied to me this whole time, why?
you do more harm than you do good, you know? i stick around hoping that you'll change your mind and want me, you never do.
this painful game of waiting to be good enough for you never stops.
i'm a pawn in your game, it's all i ever was. i'm just a playing piece you want to offer up for the other team's grabs.
you cannot wait to be rid of me.
everyone loves me when i'm an idea in their head, aa fantasy, and then they meet me.
i meant nothing to you; i gave you everything i could, but it was still not enough.
it's all never enough. i was never enough.
admit it, you feel obligated. and you never wanted me.
you wanted an idea.
you felt obligated.
Nov 4, 2020
Nov 4, 2020 at 6:19 PM UTC
you have the brightest smile i've ever seen,
for a second, watching you smile makes me forget i've ever been in pain.
you're like a beacon of light through a stormy sea of clouds-
i'm so happy to have met you.
i know most times i'm pessimistic about my looks, who i am, and my situations,
but you remind me each and every day of the beauty i didn't see in myself before.
no one's ever treated me the way you do.
thank you.
maybe once this pandemic is all over,
i can finally do all the things i want with you!
our cute date ideas that we've stacked up,
the hugs, and kisses, and cuddles we managed to imagine for so long.
it's so weird, but it feels like i've known you my whole life.
you're a stranger who has become so important to me.
maybe i rush things, i wonder, but you always give me the same energy i give you.
maybe you think i rush things, too, but you won't say it.
i like you a lot, you're very intelligent, you're handsome, you're caring, gentle, funny, radiant, and you seem to fit just right into my life.
maybe, again, i'm being too rushy. maybe i'm overthinking.
perhaps, though, you feel the same?
either way, i'm falling for you every day, more and more. each phone call and every smile makes my heart flutter. i wish i had words to describe it.
you mean a lot to me, already. i hope i do the same for you.
i'm sorry if this is too much.
Apr 22, 2020
Apr 22, 2020 at 10:55 PM UTC
i can't help but look at you.
you're so focused on your video game, but every detail of your face stands out to me.
it feels like every little thing you do makes it harder for me to hold back my emotions.
i'm falling for you.
not in the romantic cliche way that they write about in novels or movies.
i'm terrified.
you're so easy to talk to it's like we've known each other our whole lives.
my only thought through it all is: what if you leave?
when will you finally decide this is one-sided, and you give up? i'm sorry i don't show you how i feel.
i want you to know, though.
i want you to want me as much as i want you, and i hope you do.
Apr 18, 2020
Apr 18, 2020 at 12:57 AM UTC
what dictates a date anymore?
i'm unsure.
ever since the virus struck, i've questioned so much.
is my degree working toward something considered "essential"
or will one day in the future when another sickness rules, i be laid off
and labeled
non-essential?
my whole life i've been non-essential in people's lives.
i've been the off-brand toilet paper that people wait till the charmin's run out to buy.
i've been the wal-mart brand frozen pizza that serves slightly less purpose than digiorno.
why haven't i ever been the prego? the heinz?
i wonder why.
and what dictates who i am?
is it the labeling on my outside, or the contents within?
what did you look for first? my bright colored packaging or the nutritional value on the back of my canister?
did you search how many calories i carry? the baggage i've brought along during my stroll through the store?
if people are browsing ever so constantly, why am i always left to live through my shelf life?
until you picked me up.
oh, god, you picked me up off the shelf and you looked at me for much longer than anyone else did!
what happened to the stroll in the store? i'm gliding.
you've whisked me up and it seems as though you didn't even get a chance to see what i've been through: you've decided. you want me.
i want you too.
what dictates a date anymore?
is it a stroll in the grocery store?
Apr 16, 2020
Apr 16, 2020 at 2:36 AM UTC
i've met several people before and i've loved them in equally different ways,
but none of them were ever as captivating as you.
i could watch you do nothing for hours.
your smile, the way you part your hair, the way you rest your hand on your cheek when you're looking at me.
you're a dream.
for the longest time i had dreams of someone who never existed, but at this point i'm almost convinced the person in my dreams was you all along.
Apr 9, 2020
Apr 9, 2020 at 11:55 PM UTC
Borderline Personality Disorder.
1. The other day I woke up and thought I knew who I was
I fell asleep and somewhere in between I lost myself
I lost the feeling in my stomach too
but we're still talking about how much we have in common.
2. My sweater got stuck on the hanger this morning
I started to rip it down
eventually I broke plastic and skin.
I haven't been back in my room since.
3. 12:06 PM Today my best friend came home and took most of our makeup
12:07 PM I messaged her and mocked our friendship.
12:07 PM She was in trouble with her grandma and had to hurry. She didn't know.
12:08 PM I broke down crying.
4. I woke up at 7:32 AM and took 4 shots
drank 2 beers
smoked four bowls
drank half a bottle of NyQuil and woke up the next day.
I have yet to figure out why.
5. I wanted to be a horse trainer for 9 years
then I decided I wanted to be an artist
worked on becoming a tattoo artist
matured into a writer
fell in love with photography
now I'm not even sure if I like school.
6. First scars appeared at 9
worst scars at 15.
First attempt at 10
almost wasn't an attempt at 14.
7. I've been happy the past few days
but I still want to **** myself
because soon I'll be drowning in depression
and succumbing to anxiety.
9. Once I got so bored
I thought myself into sorrow.
I didn't come out for a few hours
but by dinner I was laughing.
10. I used to be in love with a boy
but I didn't know
so I used whatever I could get
and now I'm alone.
I don't blame him.
11. I've mentally lost myself
as I screamed into the mirror
and it wasn't me talking to myself.
I don't really remember being there
but I was.
Apr 5, 2020
Apr 5, 2020 at 12:18 AM UTC