October is a **** terrible month
it's a bitter bile taste on my swollen tongue
ladies and gentlemen: gather 'round! see the horror film
it's about the play out before my eyes.
Cereal nearly drowns in a bowl and
I swear to God it tastes like tar
and ashes, but I didn't know that yet
not yet, I thought I'd slam that old broken door and
watch the sunrise.
My phone illuminates, you say
"I'm on my way to get you now"
Why? when I know I'll get there sooner than you
"Did no one call you?" you're outraged and
my ceramic breakfast bowl threatens to shatter at my feet
when you tell me.
Backseat of a car that was sold two years ago
my body smashed between my niece and
the door, I wish I could open it and roll out
while we're on the highway
because I know the hospital is close
too close.
I don't want to write anymore because the sun
mocked my emptiness with its rays when I just
wanted to see it climb the sky.
Feb 10, 2015
Feb 10, 2015 at 7:20 PM UTC
You can be my mouthful of pills
to which I’ll say: “One day, I’ll be clean”
Clean of you, clean of this
because I’m an obsessively tidy person
You can be the needle in the crook of my elbow
that pumps life through me while I lay comatose
Asleep, but awake; gone, but here
while my mother cries alone after the accident
You can be the crushed up aspirin in my palm
and I wait in the darkness for a summer sunrise
Rays burn flesh, fires on fiery hair
Maybe the drugs are enough to cool my skin
You can be a phantom limb, a phantom heart
and steal away my thunder, lightning, and rain
Take me: silent, fearful
drive me across the oceans in your Honda Civic
You can be the record that plays inside my bones
and the music the waves that I float upon facing the sky
The lake, the green waters, your green eyes
undressed in that car after we danced to the bass in our chests
You can be the cruel voice inside my head
that whispers secrets about prophets and flames
Day and night, sleep be ******
my lord, I would never take pills to rid myself of you
Feb 3, 2015
Feb 3, 2015 at 9:44 PM UTC
A pounding heart bangs against the chest that has it incarcerated
It screams and cries and begs for a swift and humane end
Ambles towards the edge of the cliff and awaits the moment it finally takes the plunge
Fingers shake relentlessly, an earthquake in the bloodstream
It animates bones and ignites nerve cells in the worst way
Evaporates only after it devours every last ounce of precious serenity
Tears cascade from eyes that threaten to burst from their sockets
They flow like raging rapids and slap against the innocent riverbank
Steal away every meager thought of calm that comes into contact with the waves
Lungs fill with lead and tighten around that choked breath
It constricts and confines the air that surrounds, strips it of life-sustaining oxygen
Creates a misty, obscure world full to the brim with shapes and outlines that confound the mind
Words tumble from quivering lips that wear false confidence and clatter against the floor
They fall heavy out of arms and scrape against bare porcelain legs and draw blood from old, scarred cuts
Break bones and ribcages and hopeless hearts and never stop to consider an apology
Anxiety assaults without warning, without trepidation, takes its tribute relentlessly
It crashes into the room, a drunken roommate draped in liquefied poise on melted legs
Pounds at the door, shocks awake, then leaves all possessions in disarray and never offers to help clean
Feb 2, 2015
Feb 2, 2015 at 11:51 PM UTC
I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I mostly keep to myself
and I find comfort in that way of life
my world is an island
and people are the sea
true, it's lonely
but I know I am home
and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because the ferry runs everywhere but here
it brushes up against the shore but never stops
because no one desires to visit
I bury my head deep in the sand
and my heart deeper still
hey, sometimes clear blue skies warm my skin
they cut through the torrential rain and storms
and those skies and that sun belong to me
just like the downpour
it's all mine
it's all me
and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I chose this life
I cut myself off from civilization
from humanity itself at a young age
I’ve removed it from my life like a useless limb
I’ve ruined those I might have loved
once upon a time
their lifeless bodies float out in the endless expanse of ocean
my kisses poisonous, my hugs constricting
but my departure and coldness held the blade
and I twisted it inside of each of them
like it was a game
and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I **** my own happiness
and that of others
just by existing
and just by existing alone
I could never be anyone's dream girl
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 2:52 PM UTC
when he tells me to stop
i suppose i have to
but he does not control me!
not in any way does that boy control
a **** thing about me
only my heart, as if i would listen to it anyway
when he yells
he does so in whispers, murmurs
when he's ecstatic
his world explodes with sound
so i know when he's quiet
that's when i've ****** up
and oh, i consistently **** up
i hate him
i love him
i detest him
i adore him
then the day ends by the moonlight
and begins anew with the rising sun
i always love him by the time my head crashes against the pillow
his music
my words
his portraits
my photographs
his father
my sister
his heart, my heart, our hearts are basically the same *****
his words
my songs
his photographs
my art
his history
my father
his world, my world, our world is all our own, all alone
his laugh is magic
his logic is constantly flawed
his voice throws me off balance
and his attitude enrages me
god, do i love him
********* do i hate him
adore, detest, treasure, loathe, who cares? it's all ours
dear, ******** love, ******* sweetheart, idiot
who cares?
it's all ours
Jan 11, 2015
Jan 11, 2015 at 8:11 PM UTC
home, home
what is home?
where do you go
when you've got no real home?
when the tears block your sight
the interstate stretches to your right
and it's blocked by the lights
and you pretend music soothes your hands
and your feet that drag you between lands
acting like you've still got a hold on that band
like you're something grand
like you've got it planned
like it'll work out in the end
when all that you love just breaks and bends
you think you've got one real friend?
yeah, you say you're on the mend
god, you're just a worn-out trend
little girl with no hope
at the end of a noose-shaped rope
claims she can't cope
claims she ain't close
to finding her home
home, home, what is a home?
i can't say, i've got nowhere to go
is it this house where i've grown?
the words of a song in my bones?
the heartbeat i've come to known?
the blood in my veins,
the quake in the rain,
weakness in the chain
of a life gone insane
too much pain
not enough power
is it my hour
to stop where i cower
and take back who i am and who i wanna be
it's time for you to see
what life has done to me
1 AM scrambling up trees
a bunch of kids who don't mean a thing
looking through the darkness searching for the king
god, i wonder where he could be...
we could be arrested for trespassing!
but, ********* no one thinks these things but me
i'm screaming!
but i'm silent
no use trying to fight it
standing in the quiet
brain wants to riot
drenched from the rain
crawl back to our rooms not knowing our names
you'd think we're insane
but i'm the only player in that game
home, home, what is a home?
is it where i go when i'm all alone?
or i come in silently
the girls trying to follow me
boys running far from me
roommate's asleep
tiptoe to my sheets
ain't no point to weep
honey, i know i'm in too deep
wake up, sunshine
tell the girls i'm fine
downstairs, where we dine
new meals all mine
sunday mornings smell of wine
but i'm too good, no, i stay in line
one more week, closer to home
but i'll still be lost, no one knows
home, home, what is home?
who is there when i've got nowhere to go?
with the stars in his eyes and the songs in his bones
yeah, he's the only one who knows
home, home, that's my home
the only one i could really know
and it's dumb and it's wrong
i ask him "where do i belong?"
he says "i know you can't stay long"
sings and plays all his songs
then we dance like it matters
the kids all scatter
we sit alone til the midnight shatters
dressed up in all red like i care
the silence is more than i can bear
on my skin the chill of the air
"i'll be here for you, i swear"
he swears, he promises, his heart he shares
but no, i don't believe he really cares
home, home, what's a home?
a boy in a plaid shirt, he's my home
maybe it's wrong, but it's what i know
and the gunshots, they just go to show
no one on this ****** planet knows
maybe no one really has a home
Jan 1, 2015
Jan 1, 2015 at 12:23 AM UTC
his voice is a calming ocean
but his touch is a raging hurricane
god, i can never find peace when it comes to him
adrift on his words, his melodies
his very existence takes me by storm with every single second
i adore him so and i swear by every god every worshiped
that i would tell the entire world
"hi, nice to meet you, i'm scarlet and this young man captivates me"
"and i know he'll do the same to you too"
i am so baffled by those around me
who see him as an enemy, a traitor, a devil
when the sunshine only peeks through the clouds when we're together
i am taken aback by this
how can you be so blind to his magnificence, bordering on perfection
and how could you not see the starlight coming from this boy?
he likes to think he could be jack white
without knowing that he's better
he would never tell me that he loves being in front of my camera lens
but i know
he tries so hard to be at peace with everyone in his world
in order to be at peace with himself
his music is magic and i will never recover
from falling into his strange little world, his strange little mind
his strange little heart and mine are part of one another
both adrift in this uneasy sea, looking for dry land, side-by-side
Dec 15, 2014
Dec 15, 2014 at 11:17 PM UTC
The boy who is afraid of heights
Takes orders through a metal box
And once he grew his hair out into
Those dark curls I despise
He found all the ways to haunt my daydreams and nightmares alike
The skinny boy with glasses
Got contacts a year later
He swims for miles and miles
And searches inside himself for the truth of whose hand to hold
Although the he once held mine every day
The boy with dark skin and lovely laughter
Will probably never grow up
He will probably always search for a girl's approval
And will continually lose that girl in the end
But he will be sure to make her smile
The boy who carved a cross into his skin
He thought he understood me and could fix me
But he could barely understand himself
And he barely hugged me
Even though he wanted to
The boy who plays bass
Will probably never be my boyfriend
But he's done more for me than all of them
Combined
He makes me question reality, love, life, myself
He jokes around with me and keeps me honest
He holds my hand and lets me cry and makes me laugh
He urges me to go on and to be happy
And he will always be there to do so
Dec 12, 2014
Dec 12, 2014 at 10:57 PM UTC
And I just wonder
If you ask yourself
"Is she doing okay?"
Do you assume no news is good news?
Do you think
"Well, she isn't ******** to me about how unfair and pathetic her life is
So she must not want to jump from the top of her building anymore"
Or is it much more simple:
You just don't think about me
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 11:31 PM UTC
they don't mean a **** thing
it's just words, decisions
made outside of my head
which, interestingly enough, is where the problem is rooted
these "risk factors" i supposedly show
what do they really, honestly signify?
that i'm mental, incompetent, a danger to myself?
words that a man in his fifties can scribble onto a piece of paper
and hand off to another man in his fifties
and it means the same thing across the board
because they apparently know what i'm thinking
how i'm feeling
they can see by the fact that i can't get out of bed most days
that i'm depressed
they know that because i hyperventilate over due dates and social situations
that i have generalized anxiety disorder
they conjecture that because i don't hesitate before crossing the main street on campus
i'm at a very high risk for suicide
i suppose none of these are far-off guesses
but my brain is not a textbook
and my thoughts are not teaching material
i am not a simple headcase!
i will not be simplified and generalized into the little boxes you've charted out
"here's where the depressed kids go"
"bipolar disorder falls here"
"eating disorders go in this corner to the left"
"watch the ones who want to **** themselves closely"
"it'll probably be a big show"
my thoughts, feelings, actions are not so easily categorized
yes, i've taken psychology
i know that freud claimed we're all acting on pent-up ****** rage
i know that skinner put rats in a box and thus proved behaviorism
i know that all of these men, they wrote papers and did experiments on how it's all inside our unconsciousness
my unconscious
i am not so easily uncovered
i refuse to put myself in a tiny box and let someone else dictate what is going on in my head just so he can receive a paycheck
i won't let someone pump xanax and prozac into me like it's nothing
i want to know that i'm not just going through a rough patch
i want to be certain that something is broken before i start fixing it
**** me or repair me
all i know is i won't go down without a fight
Nov 12, 2014
Nov 12, 2014 at 11:51 PM UTC