I'm done repressing my gayness
Because it's the "Christian" thing to do.
I will wear ******* rainbow ****** pasties
And march in a pride parade
If I please
And then go to church and praise Jesus
And God and the Holy Spirit
For making the way I am
And how I am
Because he made me perfect.
I am gay
I am Christian
I am proud to be both.
Jul 20, 2016
Jul 20, 2016 at 1:14 AM UTC
let me start off by apologizing to you for introducing myself as the person you'll get to know to love. for being the person you would've walked in front of a bus for.
5/27/16 3:28AM
I thought that the ones who left before you had burned me to a crisp, but your absence completely burned my whole body and all I am is ashes. I loved you with every piece of me and all I can do now is think about how you're dealing with your losses and if you're alright. sometimes when I'm lonely, I smother my face in your clothes because every stitch has a memory of you intertwined in it.
5/28/16 12:58PM
last night I tried to drink myself to death because I missed you too much. I told our friends that I was sorry and that I needed to do it. I locked myself in the bathroom and I drank and drank until I woke up in a pool of my own bile. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I love you.
6/17/16 1:52AM
I don't know why, but I really miss you tonight. I still love you, regardless of what you say to me. this is either gonna turn out incredible and astounding or absolutely devastating. I'm ready for either.
6/28/16 3:25PM
it's been two years since my best friend died and you told me that you were here for me, even if it didn't seem like it. I remembered the night when I went home and you called me to make sure I was alright. when I said no, you stayed on the phone with me as I cried and laughed. I didn't even think I was capable of laughing that night. I miss how things were. I still love you always.
7/7/16 12:48AM
you told every ******* person at that bonfire that i'm in love with you still. I took my clothes back and we argued in the car. it had never happened until that night. you threw my clothes in my face while you walked away crying and i'll never forgive myself for not going after you and apologizing. you ****** me over but I still love you.
7/15/16 6:36PM
I'm home now and I'm clean. now that I can see what you did to me, and by writing this out, I realize that you never deserved my love. I deserve better. I deserve someone who gives me as much as I give them. I wanted the world for you, and I still do, but I'm not gonna be there when it starts on fire.
7/20/16 12:08AM
I burned your sweatshirt and deleted everything of us off my phone. I deleted your number. I deleted you. I don't love you anymore.
Jul 20, 2016
Jul 20, 2016 at 1:06 AM UTC
nothing will ever be as beautiful as you.
you may think that even the smallest things possess more beauty, like the way the trees sway when the wind's coming from the northwest or when your favorite song comes on the radio and the grin that appears on your face. but i promise you that there is nothing out there that will ever come close to you. i wish you thought the same about yourself as i did.
Aug 16, 2015
Aug 16, 2015 at 4:06 PM UTC
I want my words to be beautiful.
Beautiful like yours.
I want to see ordinary things,
Find the magic in them,
And put the magic on a page, for everyone to understand.
I want to have a way with words.
I want every poem of mine
To become a masterpiece.
Just like yours.
I am not broken.
But you are.
You see the world through pain,
And pain makes the colors brighter.
It makes the value of feelings
Climb higher.
Sometimes I wonder
If I should be broken like you
If I want my words to resonate
Like yours.
Sometimes I wonder,
If it will be truly worth it
In the end.
I wonder what it will be like,
To cut myself up to pour out the beauty inside me.
Just like you.
I imagine that you
Raise the blade
Slice your feelings open
And write your masterpiece
In red.
Aug 16, 2015
Aug 16, 2015 at 3:54 PM UTC
i refuse to keep blaming you for what happened between us.
you tried your best to keep me happy and you always made sure i fell asleep before you. sometimes i lied about that because you'd post things that scared me and i needed to make sure you were okay. i guess i wasn't the only one who lied.
baby, do you remember that night in december when you told me you wanted to **** yourself and i found you by the railroad tracks? do you remember seeing my body next to yours? do you remember when i wouldn't let you go home because i couldn't watch you? my best friend slept over that night also because she didn't want me to worry about you even though you were right next to me.
maybe we both tried too hard, maybe we lied a little too much and maybe we shouldn't have even tried in the first place. sometimes i wonder what my life would've been if i hadn't met you. we hurt each other. you sent me pictures of blood dripping down your arm and it hurt me to the point where i had to sleep in my mom's room to ensure that i wouldn't hurt myself. you caused an aching in my heart and body that i've never experienced before and if there's a god up there, i pray that nobody hurts me and causes me as much pain as you did. you wrecked me. but i demolished you and walked around like i did nothing. it's been 7 months since we ended and i refuse to blame you for everything.
i remember the night when i took a few pills and you took your dad's car all the way across town to take me to a hospital. sometimes i wish i didn't tell you and others i wish i didn't take the pills. i think after that i realized that you were one of the most addictive drugs out there and i was hooked from the second we met.
i hope you realize i don't hate you anymore. i hope you realize that i take responsibility for what i did. it wasn't all your fault. i'm sorry. i miss you.
Aug 14, 2015
Aug 14, 2015 at 6:04 PM UTC
the first time, you took me to an abandoned mental hospital. it was definitely one of the crazier experiences i've had. we nearly got caught by the cops and i've never felt so comfortable around someone i just met. i remember when you walked me home and we talked about past lovers and the scars they left. our scars were similar. i didn't expect to fall for you as quickly as i did, but i don't think you did either.
the second time, you brought me to a train bridge. i thought you wanted to jump. you brought me under the bridge to the beams and told me it was safe to walk on them. i don't think i've ever been so scared before. but i trusted you and it went fine. so i trusted you more and more. it kept going fine. i trusted you with my heart and you obliterated it. you even warned me, and i guess that's partially my fault for not listening.
the third time, you brought me to an abandoned building. when we climbed over the fence, you assured me nothing would happen. nothing happened. you brought me into the basement and i felt fear rushing through my veins. you took out a can of spray paint, painted the date and our names and handed it to me. i couldn't think of anything so i wrote, "all things come to be loved and lost". when we left, we found ourselves walking towards an oncoming train and it took everything in both of us to move. i'm glad we did.
the fourth time, you brought me to your house and your mother greeted me with a warm smile and one of the biggest hugs i've ever received. you went into the kitchen as she hugged me and whispered into my ear, "thank you for making him happy again." and i didn't know what to say. in my opinion, you got worse when i came into your life. maybe it was just to get a reaction out of me. maybe you actually felt that way. your little sister looked me like i was an angel that just walked into a house full of sinners. i'll never forget how grateful she was to see you smile for the first time in months.
the last time, we met at the mental hospital again. after not talking for over two months, this was the first time we'd actually spent time together since that night at your mom's. you tried your hardest to make it like old times, but it didn't work. things changed and you couldn't see it. your laugh started to fade from my memory and now it plays like a broken record on repeat in my head. your words caused havoc in my mind and i'm not sure if they'll stop.
it's been 7 months since we called it off and your words left permanent scars in my head and on my arms. your friends glare at me when i walk down the halls and it sends shivers through my spine. i can't drive by your house anymore. i still have the necklace you gave me, i can't bring myself to get rid of it. it's the last piece of you i have. i wonder if you still have my baby picture. you might've burned it. but that wouldn't have been the first time you burned me.
Aug 12, 2015
Aug 12, 2015 at 1:05 PM UTC
don't ever tell me that you
were never mine.
when for months on end
when you couldn't sleep
you texted me at 3:00 a.m.
i would stay awake for
you and talk you down
from whatever hell was
occurring in your mind.
some nights you wouldn't
text me. and I would
stay up anyway,
writing obituaries all
night long.
Aug 12, 2015
Aug 12, 2015 at 12:44 PM UTC
who are you?
it's a question i ask myself daily.
are you the one who walks the halls, confident and poised?
or are you the one who sits up at 3:27AM and contemplates taking your own life?
maybe you're the one who doesn't quite fit in.
maybe you're deemed "popular".
maybe, you don't have the best home life, and people treat you differently because of it.
but guess what?
all of these things are okay.
it's okay to be popular.
it's okay to not fit in.
it's okay to have depressing thoughts.
it's okay to be confident.
it's okay to have a broken home.
and if you ever feel overwhelmed with any of your responsibilities or who you feel you are, please don't be afraid to get help. there are so many options out there for you and every single one of them is willing to help.
Dec 28, 2014
Dec 28, 2014 at 8:56 PM UTC
when you left, things were such a ******* mess. everything hurt and neither of us knew what to do, so you left me in a state of disaster, frantically running around searching for you in my mind even though i know you aren't there.
but what really kills me is that you said you would stay with me through everything, and you had the audacity to leave right when things got bad. i needed you and you weren't there, even though you said you would be.
now i'm left listening to sad, miserable songs and writing ****** poems to try and make up for your loss.
Sep 14, 2014
Sep 14, 2014 at 6:11 PM UTC
i always thought
you were thru traffic
that you were just jet lag
background noise
the kiss in the rain
i've never had
but what if you aren't?
what if this
was the thousandth time
i have loved you?
what if this is just a fresh coat of paint?
what if god
keeps a handkerchief
soaked in the day we met
next to his bed?
maybe theres a reason
i reach for no one in bed
the way i would
if someone used to be there
you know, they say
the road behind us
is littered with things
we couldn't hold onto
i wonder how many times
you've slipped through my hands
like hour glass sand
do you know
how much erosion you've caused?
i heard cupid
stopped keeping count
of how many times
we came together
just to come apart again
maybe it was just a rumor
it makes me think
about how many times
i've almost had you
like if all this talk
about history repeating itself
endlessly replaying is true
i wonder how many times
things have happened already
like the time
i tried talking you
into loving me back
back fired
or the time i could have sworn
jesus & lazarus were playing chess
with my heartbeat
but it was only you smiling
how many times
have i tried to tell you
how many times
have you read this poem
how many times
have i tried not to meet you
in my dreams anymore
it's like sleep tries to warn
me of what's happening
before it does but
i keep having this dream
where i tell you bedtime stories
and each one
is a different way you die
and in every one
i can never save you
it's like you're this song
i have on repeat
and every time it starts over
i forget the words
it's like you picked up the book entitled "us"
and the back cover
said you'd leave
so you never bothered reading it
tell me you aren't
going back in that bookstore
just to do it again
or will you tell me tomorrow?
or is this the time
you don't say anything at all?
if this has all happened before
if we call it quits
before we begin
again
from the beginning
i just want to ask you
to be my fire
because i am tired
of these old lives
and i'd like to see them
burn
Aug 5, 2014
Aug 5, 2014 at 10:01 AM UTC