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sarabx
sarabx
Without a song or a dance, what are we?
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I wake up. My phone is downstairs. It is down there at night because I sleep better when it is not in arm's reach. I slept 6 hours. I feel great. I hear my daughter leaving the house for school. That is the sound that springs me out of bed. I put my robe on. It is silk and feels good. I ran downstairs and out the door. I caught her. I told her to have a good day and that I love her. I gave her the check she needed for school fees. Whew. I did not **** that up. I look at the phone....for too long. I cleaned last night's dinner dishes and talked with my other daughter as she prepared her own lunch. I talked fast. I talked loud. I danced. I felt good for a moment. It is easy to feel good and grounded in children's presence. I drove her and her friend to dance. I talked and I talked. Were they listening? I don't know. I said I love you. I always do that. Is it enough? I come home and sit in the car...... paralyzed. I want to ride my bike. I want to clean out the car. I want to take a walk with my dog and come home and clean all the dog hair I see. But I don't. Not yet. Not sure how long it will take. I might get one of those things done today. It will be a victory and I will beat myself up for it taking as long as it does to do that one thing. Right now. I am in the car. I sit. I feel the tightening of my chest. I breath. I tighten. I breath. I tighten. What do I do? How do I start? Starting is the hardest part. The phone is such a nice distraction....an hour has gone by maybe more. I don't know. This is anxiety. I wake up.
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Aug 14, 2014
Aug 14, 2014 at 11:40 AM UTC
sarabx
I wake up
I wake up. My phone is downstairs. It is down there at night because I sleep better when it is not in arm's reach. I slept 6 hours. I feel great. I hear my daughter leaving the house for school. That is the sound that springs me out of bed. I put my robe on. It is silk and feels good. I ran downstairs and out the door. I caught her. I told her to have a good day and that I love her. I gave her the check she needed for school fees. Whew. I did not **** that up. I look at the phone....for too long. I cleaned last night's dinner dishes and talked with my other daughter as she prepared her own lunch. I talked fast. I talked loud. I danced. I felt good for a moment. It is easy to feel good and grounded in children's presence. I drove her and her friend to dance. I talked and I talked. Were they listening? I don't know. I said I love you. I always do that. Is it enough? I come home and sit in the car...... paralyzed. I want to ride my bike. I want to clean out the car. I want to take a walk with my dog and come home and clean all the dog hair I see. But I don't. Not yet. Not sure how long it will take. I might get one of those things done today. It will be a victory and I will beat myself up for it taking as long as it does to do that one thing. Right now. I am in the car. I sit. I feel the tightening of my chest. I breath. I tighten. I breath. I tighten. What do I do? How do I start? Starting is the hardest part. The phone is such a nice distraction....an hour has gone by maybe more. I don't know. This is anxiety. I wake up.
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