i crack my fingers and clear my throat
trying to force out something that was once so natural,
something that kept me alive in my time of sparseness and loneliness
i can't remember a single friend from that time
i am my best friend now
and it's strange how things come and go,
the ebb and flow,
one day i'm lost in mania and bright lights and open mouthed kisses and the next
i am contemplating my solitude,
hunching my back and spending all my time in front of a mirror
there is much 2 see
there is much 2 be
i'm working on myself
by myself
for myself
i have room for others but they have to knock
i'm not inviting anyone in,
who knows
who's a bloodsucker
who's a mother ******
who knows who knows maybe a hope filled who knows maybe a less bitter, hope filled,
who knows
1
mania
brightness
kisses
false kindness
hope
happy times
lies lies lies
2
emptiness
gray
black shirt
ill fitting jeans
dry hair so dry dry dry dry
a girl held it and remarked
on it
and i cried that night
my heart was so large
so so so painfully soft
and virginal when faced with reality
3
no food
no food
no food
not allowed
no hope
now
progression?
regression?
i'm going somewhere and that's better than nowhere
maybe my words will take up a lilt again
and i'll rhyme cleverly again
maybe i'll find a happy medium
who knows who knows
Oct 20, 2015
Oct 20, 2015 at 9:41 AM UTC
safety pinned skin
composed of stardust and sin,
capability within
i dont trust men
i dont trust men
Oct 19, 2015
Oct 19, 2015 at 8:34 AM UTC
underneath my skin is a creature
with hate for brains
rain for blood
liquid for solid
solid for liquid
its a ****** up creature and each breath is a victory
a challenge?
it doesn't know and it wails and hits me and hurts me
it paints on my thighs with purple and yellow and green
it paints on my fingers with tears and *** i don't wanna have
car ******* crash this car is ******* crashing and i want a **** cigarette
Oct 12, 2015
Oct 12, 2015 at 9:53 AM UTC
the emptiness fills me
like nothing else has ever done before
the emptiness ***** the thrill from me
like no death has ever done before
the emptiness kills me
slowly
softly
Oct 9, 2015
Oct 9, 2015 at 3:09 PM UTC
i can still smell my hair dye and see the sweet similar smiles of the people who put it in my hair and i can still smell your shampoo and see your tongue tarnishing my name and i can see you looking at people in the cold way you looked at me and the cold way that you hurt me and i can see your hair flicking and you drawing people in and making them see a person who isn't there a reflection it only shows the pretty parts not who you are and i can see those similar smiles smiling and laughing and i can hear you making everyone hate me and **** you honestly **** you to hell
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 10:47 PM UTC
LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIARLIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR YOU WANTED ME BECAUSE I WAS SHINY AND YOU REALIZED I WAS SCRATCHED AND LEFT LIAR LIAR LIAR
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 10:43 PM UTC
i've imagined being who you are it's what keeps me up at night and makes me sob and **** violently as i think of leaving marks on people the way you do
and i feel bad for you i really do but i also see your your eyes so cold and your lips forming insults and dodging away from me we're not calling a ***** a ***** here we're calling it a queen and worshipping it
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 10:37 PM UTC
i seethe when i hear your name i hate it!
hate it! hate it! hate it!
why are you so far in my head why are you pulling all the strings why are you yanking my chain and letting me walk like a dog who's been in the yard all week and is tired of smelling his own **** and wants to go smell some other dog's ****
how did i let you in isn't there a rule against this you feel like a vampire you ****** up all my happiness and confidence don't you have to ask before crossing a doorway did you ask or did i invite you in
i've cried so many nights and i lie and say my medication needs to be upped and that i'm just in a bad place but if i'm being honest here, and i'm trying to be honest, as honest as you were not, you lit everything inside of me on fire and watched me burn and only when i asked if something was cooking did you call the fire department
i've cried enough tears to put out three of me three of what you lit inside of me and i want to cry now and the tears are at the brim of my eyes and peeking out and murmuring nervously they don't know if they're ready to stop yet they just started existing and now they're about to stop and die and there's no hotline for them to call what do they do they retreat back today they take deep breaths and use coping skills
tomorrow they will take breaths and using coping skills and tell a trusted adult in their life when they wanna fall over the brim and cease to be
Feb 20, 2015
Feb 20, 2015 at 10:35 PM UTC
all i can break,
is my metaphorical fingers
as they **** and fly and zing and upchuck my thoughts,
barely there somehow i do not know i do not feel i am far away
and pummel and spit on and crush and **** and bite and tear and torture until they are out of my head and i am a silk sheet fluttering on a soft cold bed
by a father who felt compassion once
and maybe still does far away get out of his head, come back to earth listen come back to us
then maybe silk sheets would flutter and there would be colors and light and movement and pictures and more than this cracked broken glass jar theres no ship in this bottle just air and ants and the aftermath of a parched throat
Jan 5, 2015
Jan 5, 2015 at 3:02 AM UTC
i’m submissive,
to my small light rectangle,
rectangle of hope,
beeping with admiration and love,
an opportunity to scorn myself and read deeply into everything and imagine constant hatred and captured screen images shared with disgust and ellipsis
i want that hope and light and soaring amongst blue sky and hand holding
then i don’t want the inevitable tears as i imagine all the ways you hate me,
all the little cracks inside you, filled with hate for me,
love yesterday melted away,
leaving empty holes for hatred
reserved for me,
more than anyone,
because who’s worse than me?
your love is pretend,
i’m sorry,
i just.
feel like.
it is.
not that it’s you. you don’t make me feel like that.
my brain just
tells me that
!
i’m not sure if its you.
you snap at me a lot, you’re hard to read, but you have a soft heart and softer eyes and a big smile and nice lips that leave pretty imprints on my cheeks
i
don’t
know
you’re so perfect.
where in you is there room for love for me? i am so flawed, so underdeveloped?
will this be nothing in a year?
will we not be friends?
i’m scared but i did something. i did something i wanted to do. we’re more than friends right now. we’re relationship partner cheek kissing hand holding giggling people which is fine with me.
i hope not too much changes.
don’t be weird.
i hope you like me.
Jan 5, 2015
Jan 5, 2015 at 2:59 AM UTC