I can clearly recall the last time I felt so defeated, it’s that same complete series of mental exhaustion I have no fix for.
I can taste that familiar foul.
It was March 2010, 2 months away from my graduation, I still vividly remember those dreadful days.
I did not wake up looking forward to the next day thinking everything was going be sunshine full moon and some kind of deep breathing exercise would have my problems carried away by the wind.
I saw fear and uncertainties waiting to greet me by the twilight.
In a way, I’m still the same old helpless child from a decade ago, not knowing how to cope when I’m stuck in a corner haunted at every turn by my own shadow.
The shadow bears the cross of my bottled up sorrow which in turn gave birth to anger, resentment and bitterness.
The endless lament over lost times and the could have beens is one of the worst songs a singer could sing.
When I lament, I belt.
I don’t wish anyone to be around when that ****** goes off,
I wish to be alone, I wish to not hurt anyone in the vicinity.
Once life starts resembling butterflies from paradise pollinating sunflowers in lush green field for too long, you fail to remember what calamities are. You start to believe G6 is the only mode of transportation and of course that is delusional.
The master of reality and time who holds the power will in its own time shatter your illusion.
Sometimes it reveals itself with a loud declaration, sometimes a whisper, slowly creeping up on you.
By the time you realized flying a 65 million dollar Gulfstream is not the only way to get around, you would be writing a sappy prose.
Sep 12, 2020
Sep 12, 2020 at 3:01 AM UTC
It’s been long since I last have some to drink
The goddess of liquid muse no longer recognizes me
Silently taking my inspirations away as punishment
Words no longer flow like rivers after rain
Oh melancholy how I miss you
Or is this just pure sadness and emptiness that’s speaking?
Can you still label it as melancholy if you don’t find delight in it?
Oh how I miss the good old days of painless melancholy
I’m trying desperately to vent, to rant ,to find someone who can depend
Maybe you can but it's likely not going to make sense
My troubles are a thousand layers of Baklava that I didn’t bake
Everything is a phase I know but time don’t exist when you are on a trip
I’m playing this game of life like I’m in junior varsity again
Thought I had it all together, what a fool’s paradise did I live in?
Short fused, restless anxiety; agitation running like a ticking time bomb
I say “Hi, how’s it going?” with a smile but the inside is ******
May 24, 2019
May 24, 2019 at 2:17 AM UTC
Still can’t quite make up the color of your eyes
Like how I still can’t make up if this is all a disguise
Are they green or are they hazel?
Are you the devil or are you the angel?
Clint who?
Does he even like fondue like i do?!!
Dude is just one of the crews
I’d eat him like ragu
As the stage laments on about “I will love you”
I brush the tip of my wandering fingers over your olive tan skin
Barely touching, craving more than what’s given and then some
“Give me a lifetime and then 50 more…” - I’m a hopeless what can i say
Aimed to plant my lips on yours
But they ended up on your teeth; I guess they slipped
Blamed that on your cheeky silly smile
Let’s make the next one worthwhile
Replaying scene after scene from last night
Reciting them night after night
Jun 27, 2018
Jun 27, 2018 at 3:48 PM UTC
*Cinderella,
our dance lasted just a little more than an hola
Like the fairytale,
I barely got your detail before I lost your trail
Quirky, earthy and sorta birdie
so captivating like a painting in a gallery
You were gone right at twelve,
but worse than Cinderella herself
you didn't even leave a shoe behind
now I don't know whose foot to find
*
Dec 2, 2017
Dec 2, 2017 at 10:45 AM UTC
*Poems after poems
Rhythms after rhythms
Shoddy muses came and went
I’m still stuck writing the same thing ten different ways
I’m about to puke from getting sick of spelling out my emotions to myself
I’m so close to drawing a line of sand dividing my odd despair from the rest of the world
Just how much longer before the end of this endless ***** laundry cycle?
The hollow feels almost eternal if it wasn’t for logic’s persuasion
My eyes wide opened, looking at everything but I’m not seeing anything*
“Hard drive scan error, nothing is registering.”
*Maybe some early sleep would help
Maybe some chamomile would sooth
Maybe I should stop walking around feeling only the shell of myself
Go to bed boy…
time to go to bed
*
Nov 21, 2017
Nov 21, 2017 at 2:11 PM UTC
*God put you there
It wasn't an accident
His plan was clear
It wasn't a coincident
Just so we could cross path
Just so I could catch a glimpse of you
Just a glimpse before His wrath
Just enough to learn perfection spells Y.O.U.
Even though it was short-lived
I was invested more than I should
Not because you were the fifth
But because in a crowd, out you really stood
My head was whacked hard
So hard that I lost all my guard
Disappointment leaving me a little scarred
Now I'm busy picking up my scattered chest of cards*
Nov 14, 2017
Nov 14, 2017 at 8:28 PM UTC
*There is a bag
In it is an assortment of emotions
Joy, mostly
But also strains of sadness and disappointment
Like a handful of trail mix with raisins
Nobody likes them but we all eat them anyway
Because what’s trail mix without a few annoying raisins
Life is not always chocolate and M&Ms*
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 7:29 PM UTC
It started off like instant fireworks
You stood in front of me like one of those classic artworks
So stunning, my heart wouldn't stop thumping
Sparks and chemistry so effortless
Witty exchanges with cleverness
Common interests and togetherness
All that was fueling my blinded eagerness
So blinded I stopped seeing the color Red
Thought they were just flags, regular flags
Picked up my sword of rationale and shattered the biased delusional shade over my eyes
I see flags, Red and lies
Walking away with my shield of pride
She is another Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
Nov 10, 2017
Nov 10, 2017 at 7:17 PM UTC
*Never thought you existed
Until the day you stood in front of me
My world turned upside down
All rationales went out the window
The window I’ve spent years to build to keep people out
You peeked through the seams no one’s ever been
You caught a glimpse of my soul no one’s ever seen
Leaving me exposed and vulnerable.
I love your strong independent personality
as i recognize how we have finally both meet our match
I love the way our eyes suddenly met in the crowd of people
and we just intensely peered a second too long
I love the way you smile and how it just broke through my jaded heart
like a hammer shattering glasses
I love the way you are comforted
as I held you hand and weighted tears were made ok
I love the way you stood close to me
as we slightly touched, skin to skin
it’s really the only thing I could feel anymore
I want to be the touch you crave for in a cold dark night
I want to be your idea of perfect imperfections
I want to be the lighthouse to the ghost ship you are steering
I want to be everything you never thought you deserve
I want to be your champion of the dreams you dare not dream
I want to be the Bible you spend a lifetime reading,
as at every turn of a page and
every line of psalm is a layer of undiscovered passion
ready to feed your soul
And all I really want is to hold you and not let go
cocoon you in my warmth until the moon comes up and goes back down
So let your weary guard down and I will be your guardian forever
Even though whatever we have might not even last, I want to let you know that
I would walk with you till the end of the road, the very end
for I finally know what soulmate means through the glisten in your eye*
Nov 4, 2017
Nov 4, 2017 at 5:47 AM UTC
Once upon a time,
You were bound for someone’s fireplace
Ready to burn yourself to keep the cold out
Sacrificing yourself for the warmth
An admirable ambition nonetheless
But what a shame of a way to go
You were exceptional, so one of a kind
Like a buoy in the ocean
You stood out among a sea of commotion
With no hesitation,
A craftsman decided to fight for your alternate life
Picked you up, hauled you home
Boy, what a heavy log you were
For you to truly shine
Rots needed to be axed
Botches needed to be sanded
Cracks needed to be filled
After a lifetime of love and care
Now you get to literally say
“Dinner’s on me!”
Chainsaw marks and scratches still remain
A part of who you are but no longer in pain
With new purpose and endeavor
Looking as beautiful as ever
Oct 30, 2017
Oct 30, 2017 at 1:09 AM UTC