My wife said ‘I’d like a new kitchen’
And I had a Saturday free
With ambition designs for the project
We both had a wild spending spree
We picked up a range made of flat pack
And then went to the café to eat
The choice of hot food was extensive
And we both had a Swedish meat treat
My mancave was short of some gadgets
So, I thought I would pick up a few
You know, gizmos I’d need for the project
You can find in a big B & Q
Like chrome plated long nose snipe pliers
With a bright coloured high friction grip
A high-powered well-balanced hand drill
With a full set of carbonised bits
To help with the cutting and drilling
I bought me a fancy work bench
I got several adjustable spanners
And an American style monkey-wrench
With devices galore in my kitchen
A heart full of hope and a song
The flat pack was open and waiting
And a belief that nowt can go wrong
The kitchen was stripped of its cupboards
(Destruction sound so much like me)
The skip filled with trash and detritus
The air filled with cursed deities
The cupboards assembled, but wobbled
With left over dowels and screws
They collapsed right back into flat pack
And the air turns a little more blue
It can’t have been too many gadgets
So clearly, I needed some more
And after a hot steamy cuppa
I bought most of the rest of the store
I picked up a taper pin punch set
The label said “high tension steel”
I don’t know if that makes a difference
I just thought that it had a nice feel
Who needs a wall grooving chisel?
I don’t know but had one to hand
A magnesium carbon disc grinder
In case I was tempted to sand
I tried ultra-thin premium somethings
A large milling thingamajig
A jig made for holding a widget
And widgets from small up to big
By midnight the flatpack was kindling
There was no Sunday roast the next day
There were no scrambled eggs Monday breakfast
For a week we just ate takeaways
Come Friday raw bacon and sausage
Were beginning to look appetising
The wife gave me fairly blunt warnings
That showed her blood pressure was rising
It was time for a nail gun and ladder
And extension bars for my all sockets
It was taking so long I bought knee pads
And a tool belt with 15 large pockets
The riveting gun seemed quite boring
But I just loved the boring device
I had not a clue how to use them
But simply to own them was nice
Counter sinks for sinking the counter
A compressor for compressing some air
I also bought 3 different augers. No reason
But because they were there
With the credit card pushed to its limits
And a month filled with heartache and trouble
I was craving hot food or a cuppa
From a kitchen all gadgets and rubble
But every contraption just vexed me
I was starving and then lost my cool
I condemned all of the useless devices
My wife just blamed one useless tool
We had not had a hot meal in ages
Since the meatballs we bought at IKEA
I guess gadgets are pretty much useless
If the one using them has got no idea
Apr 22, 2021
Apr 22, 2021 at 3:12 PM UTC
I was talking to a friend last night, it was idle, beery chat
Footy and his sports car and other simple things like that
We talked about computers and why his was always pish
And also, in the world today how they’re so ubiquitous
He said he was frustrated as his always let him down
She never works, he stated, with a personal pronoun
I said hold on a minute, could you please explain to me
Why use a gender pronoun? Why define as he or she?
He explained it was a woman. It makes irrational demands
That only its creator can truly understand
It’s always talking in the background and I don’t know the code
So sometimes without warning it will randomly explode
It remembers everything I’ve done; I think that this is evil
And this gets me into trouble with its unforeseen retrieval
And as soon as you have got one you then get a big surprise
As you have to shell out weekly keeping it accessorized
Happy with this logic I got up to buy more beer
The barmaid wasn’t happy and she made that fairly clear
I heard that conversation and your friend is talking *****
Okay I said. I’m listening. So tell me what is right
Like a man, you want a good one, but you have to wait for years
But as soon as you’ve committed a better model then appears
They’re supposed to make things easy and minimise mayhem
But half the time the problem to be solved was caused by them
They are full of useless data and they can’t think on their own
When you get one you’re excited, that is until you get it home
They never tell how you look in your favourite little dress
And they are easy to manipulate if you know just where to press
It is good to have a backup because the main one can go wrong
And you won’t get their attention until you turn them on
And no matter what they tell themselves when they have their little chatters
Like certain other things in life its how big they are that matters
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:30 PM UTC
As a language it is easy, and anyone can see
To reverse the meaning of a word is elementary
To say ‘not well’ is 2 words. Why not pare it down to one?
Just take a word and prefix it. To reverse it just add ‘Un’
‘Un’well is also poorly, which is never any fun
The opposite of doing it, is leaving it ‘Un’done
If it ain’t fair it’s ‘Un’fair. If not kind then it’s ‘Un’kind
A contract with no autograph is a paper that’s ‘Un’signed
So like I said it’s unhard to make a word reverse
Simply add an ‘Un’ to it and it becomes its own inunverse
But so often with the language a rule can be misunleading
And there are other prefixes. To learn them keep on reading
It’s ‘A’ if it’s not typical, which might sound rather bland
But a ‘Mis’ if you can’t fire or you didn’t understand
It’s an ‘Il’ if its not legal, but an ‘In’ if unsecure
An ‘Ir’ makes it not regular and an ‘Im’ says it’s unpure
It’s a ‘Dis’ to uncontinue, it’s a ‘Post’ if it’s not ‘Pre’
It’s not ‘Un’ but prefix ‘Counter’ if you fight insurgency
A friend nor longer friendly is not an ‘Un’friend but an ‘Ex’
But yes, it is the prefix ‘Un’ if it’s not what you expect
I will ‘An’ to your aerobic I will ‘Anti’ to your freeze
I will ‘Non’ if it is undescript just to put you at your ease
This might seem overwhelming but before I simplify
Please note if things are humid you should ‘De’humidify
So check if it’s an ‘Il’ an ‘In’ an ‘Ir’ an ‘Im’ or ‘dis’
A ‘Counter’, ‘Anti’, ‘Post’ or ‘De’ an ‘A,’ ‘An’ ‘Ex or ‘Mis’
If these are unappropriate when all is said and done
Yes, there is a modest chance the prefix might be ‘Un’
But in case you think you’ve got it; you’ve still got much to learn
Both flammable and ‘In’flammable mean the thing can burn
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:29 PM UTC
Sometimes a change is an upgrade
For a better existence we crave
And thus we now live in a warm house
And don’t shiver inside a damp cave
Or maybe we tire of fashion
And yearn for a day very soon
When we cast off the custom of corsets
For breeches and pantaloons
The new normal might come some gusto
That’s embraced with an unbridled glee
Ditch gramophone records and big bands
As we rush to get colour TVs
Other times change is unwelcome
Its just something we have to embrace
Politics, illness, bad neighbours
Or wearing a mask on our face
Our life will have only one constant
Which I shall now pass on to you
The only thing certain and for certain
Is the change that we have to live through
It might not be something we long for
But before long it will stop being new
To have a new normal is normal
Because its normal to have something new
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:28 PM UTC
Take a word and mix the letters and the result can be absurd
But an anagram is a word mixed-up that makes another word
Or if you blend a couple words it can be quite satisfying
If the spin-off words are helpful and the result is clarifying
A ‘Sycophant’ ‘acts phony’, which is something ‘The eyes’ ‘They see’
While the ‘Snooze alarms’ too early says wake up ‘Alas no more Z’s’
‘A decimal point’? - ‘I’m a dot in place’ and there are other spots
Would you believe ‘The morse code’ reorders to ‘Here comes dots’
Be cautious when you marry, not of your wife who has no flaw
Don’t forget the ‘Woman ****** who will be your ‘Mother-in-law’
That one was rather damming the next one’s better I’ll admit
When I become a ‘Father-in-law’ I will be a ‘Near halfwit’
Who would have thought ‘Astronomer’ readjusts to say ‘Moon Starer’
But Knox the ‘Presbyterian’ would have thought he’s ‘Best in Prayer’
The huddled masses may revere New York’s ‘Statue of Liberty’
And shuffled letters also state she was ‘Built to stay free’
Oh ‘I bet the wound's lethal’ the junior policeman will have said
Of course, replied the coroner it was ‘Two bullets in the head’
December comes I ‘Search, Set, Trim’ for the perfect ‘Christmas Tree’,
Kids hiding in a ***** room’ which is like a ‘Dormitory’
In ‘The countryside’ ‘No city dust here’ if I’m ‘Silent’ I can ‘Listen’
And ponder my ‘Indomitableness’ or is it my ‘Endless ambition’?
‘I am not active’ in ‘Vacation time’ I will rest and heave a sigh
With joy I watch a ‘Butterfly’, and see it gently ‘Flutter by’
A minor risk? A ‘Slot Machine’, the result is ‘Cash lost in me’
A lethal risk? Revealed too late, ‘Radium came’ for ‘Madam Curie’
The last “surprising anagram” in this poem that I hope was fun
If ever asked what’s ‘Eleven plus two’ reply it’s ‘Twelve plus one’
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:22 PM UTC
If tears could build a ladder
If heartache made it strong
If grief could be my escort
I’d bring you back where you belong
I’d climb each rung of loneliness
I’d overcome the pain
I’d ignore the one way system
And I would bring you back again
But I know that I can’t do that
And the loss I’ll have to bear
It will hurt to not be near you
Until I can join you there
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:20 PM UTC
I hit a low with your good bye
At first I could not see
The ‘good’ within the goodbye
Was an upbeat prophesy
What was worse, what I’d reverse
Is what I came to know
The life of hell that I would live
After your first hello
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:18 PM UTC
I’ve lips that need some lips to kiss
My hand needs a hand to hold
My heart could use some love close by
Till I’m scatter-brained and old
I’ve a touch that needs some tender skin
To feel its warm embrace
I’ve love to give but no-ones there
I’m like a shoe without a lace
I have hugs that need somebody
They look so clumsy on their own
There is emptiness around me
In a house that’s not a home
My life could use some living
And it’s better lived with 2
I know you’re out there somewhere
I can’t wait to bond with you
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:18 PM UTC
When duty called, I had to go, around the world to roam
But part of me is miles from here because it stayed at home
Where ere you be remember this, whenever you feel blue
Although I may be out of sight, my heart remains with you
With war my mind is busy, but my soul cannot forget
So every day that I’m away the things I most regret
Is how I can’t be close to you, where our vows we could renew
And I could tell you heart to heart, I’m still in love with you
I want to wake up near you and to feel your warming glow
I miss the little tiffs we have, one says yes and one says no
I like the odd occasion when I kiss you just by chance
And the times that we meet eye to eye with a little sideways glance
I want to sit beside you in the shade of some big trees
The chance to whisper little things that really are a tease
Or discuss our weekend options irrespective of the choice
Just because it gives an extra chance to listen to your voice
Instead I sit here by myself and I'm longing for the day
That I can finish up this work and finally get away
Returning to the partner and the love I know is mine
Then I can hug you with my arms instead of in a rhyme
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:17 PM UTC
Take it from me, the things you can see
The wonders your eyes will behold
Mother Nature did good in this neighbourhood
It’s a landscape of riches untold
The lochs and the glens, the Munros and Bens
They are stunning you can’t disagree
Rivers Clyde and the Tay and the Forth and the Spey
The Findhorn, the Don and the Dee
All kinds of rocks, have been turned into brochs
Into castles and bothies and cairns
If I had a say I would choose Skara Brea
As a great place to show your wee bairns
From clear waters great ***** great meat from the coos
That both share the rich fertile fields
So too the deer, with venison premiere
And the sheep produce great woollen yields
The fishing’s fantastic, there’s salmon (Atlantic)
Grayling and pike and big charr
I’ve so little doubt there’s superior trout
That I’ll not tell you quite where they are
We think thistles divine and we like the scots pine
The heather is gorgeous in flower
There’s gorse on the ground. Scottish bluebells around
It’s what young haggis prefer to devour
We have eagles and kites and owls through the night
Ptarmigan. The grouse are widespread
If you don’t fancy that, there’s a breed of wild cat
And lots of our squirrels are red
Both at midnight and noon it’s like Brigadoon
The landscape is magic caressed
Every plant, every hill is possessed of good will
And the nice beasty that lives in Loch Ness
I could tell you more, but I’d just make you snore
But believe me that’s far from it all
If you’re still full of doubt come quick, don’t lose out
‘Cause we might rebuild Hadrian’s Wall
Apr 16, 2021
Apr 16, 2021 at 12:14 PM UTC