The air trembles
over the rough tingling skin
of my simple lips
The world around
cold
gray
thick and wet like the dewy morning grass
Eyes caught up in one in another
Raw knuckles brushing
against loose shirts
The pads of your fingers
Swirled and soft
The cotton stretches overhead
And whispers float away
on our small smiles
in September days
We curl around each other
Bodies mapping out the movements
Subconsciously preparing for the moment of contact
Jeans await anxiously to meet
Your voice doesn't fall out of your mouth
It streams, steady, sturdy, without question
My shoulders open and welcome
Teeth gazing invitingly
This thrumming doesn't stay contained
It moves throughout my limbs, my core.
You light me
You lift me
Even if it's only a little.
Even if it's only this.
I could play in this negative space happily
Until the time comes to move on.
Sep 21, 2011
Sep 21, 2011 at 3:57 AM UTC
I want you to know
That this is a lie
That this is a stain
Set deep into my skin
I want you to know
That these are scratches down
my back
deep in my skin
I went from fragile
to tough
to broken
and I let it all fall apart
And now it shatters
Breaking every time I hit the bottom.
Every glass emptied
and every night ended
In busted tears and bottles
Sleep found on floors and pavement
No hope for arms and comfort
I'm the wreck I never envied
And every girl I always hated
Every sin I despised
And lacking every virtue I admired
I slipped deep into nihilism
And I don't know how to crawl back out.
Sep 14, 2011
Sep 14, 2011 at 1:35 AM UTC
Between the saint
and the sinner
I've lost my footing
I feel the clothes tugging off me
And the pants coming undone
And the sweat seeping into the sheets
And I wish I could feel the eyes judging me
because I think
it would
be hot
I wish I could feel the guilt
When I'm being pushed into
When I'm lost
I wish I could be found outside myself
I wish I had another hand to grasp
Another neck to bite
More skin to tug at.
The sneaking rush is what I want
The naughty giggles
I want to be right
For all the wrong reasons
The corruption
The seduction
I want the regret
I want to avert my eyes and blush
At the mention
of a ....
I want flesh
To make me anxious
To make me feel like
I am going to hell.
Sep 3, 2011
Sep 3, 2011 at 2:06 AM UTC
I am tired.
I am tired of
hating you
envying you
despising you
But I am mostly tired
of remembering you.
I am tired
of breaking my heart
every time I look in the past.
I am tired of remembering how
sweet
the taste of first love is.
I am tired
of not being able to like anyone else
Beyond the physical
And I am tired
of not feeling for anyone else
And I am tired of realizing this all over again.
I am tired of looking at your happy faces.
I am tired of remembering how happy I should have been all the time
And of how happy I was some of the time.
I am tired of people telling me
All this bogus stuff.
About how you aren't the same person
Not the one I loved.
And I am tired of putting up this front.
And I am tired of hoping maybe I'll find happiness again too.
I want to want someone with innocence again.
I want to share things with them in a shy way
And I want to hold hands and watch the shadows of it.
I want to have a gentle first kiss.
I want someone to pull me back towards them after I kiss them on the cheek,
So that they can kiss me fully on the mouth.
I want someone to love me again as purely as you did.
I want someone to care for me.
And I want to be able to give that back finally.
But I'm broken.
But I'm foolish.
But I am young.
But now is the time for me finally.
Because I want those things but I want so much more too.
I want every experience I can get
Because I desperately don't want to be the one
Who is "43 and still waiting for my life to start."
So yes, I want all these things
And yes, sometimes I hate you
And yes, sometimes I cry because I don't have you.
And yes, I am not sure I will ever be able to love again.
And yes, I am sure that you will always be stronger than me now.
And yes, I know you'll be in love without me for the rest of your life.
And yes, this isn't how I expected to end this poem.
But I think it might just be better than the ending I was feeling.
Aug 31, 2011
Aug 31, 2011 at 2:24 AM UTC
This is the journal I found you in
This is the notebook that witnessed
a girl falling in love
with a cliche.
This is not the journal I lost you in.
I lost you on the internet
in my car
in the rain
I lost you through through text and phone
I lost you in life.
With no journal to witness my struggle
Because I replaced the lined pages with your
ears
and
lips
I opened your chest and made my home there.
When I was evicted
I had no place.
No place to lay my weary head.
No place to rest my thoughts
No pillows for my tears to fall on
No eyes for my smiles to capture.
No hands to hold. Only the empty.
This is the life I found you in.
But it is not the life I got to keep you in.
May 11, 2011
May 11, 2011 at 11:26 AM UTC
You move
I move
You ******
I moan
You touch
I burn
You murmur
I gasp
Your hands grasp
and pull
I heave and slither
You bite
and I crush
You squeeze
And I giggle.
Apr 26, 2011
Apr 26, 2011 at 8:47 PM UTC
Sitting in your car
Twirling lint in between my fingers
Drowning in my oversized jacket
Drowning in this silence
Cowering in fear
When did I become so weak?
When I stop my tongue to please you?
When did I start closing my legs to keep you?
How did I end up chilled and lonely in your car
As you move outside of me and everything I am
You breathe and live
Meshed in molecules
of an Alternate Universe
I can touch you
But I can't feel you
I can hit you
But I can't hurt you
I can kiss you
but I can't make you love me.
You step back in the car
and lean into a kiss
but fall right through me
and swallow my heart
How am I suppose to fight?
I grip the side of the seat you can't see in anger
I squint and grimace
as you start the car
You shiver from the cold
Your sent fills the car
and you never look at me twice
How did I get here?
We come to a stoplight
You squeeze my hand
and pick the lint off
How did I get here?
I smile at you sweetly
How?
How?
Apr 26, 2011
Apr 26, 2011 at 8:44 PM UTC
I eat you up
like the salty taste of chocolate
you melt around my tongue
and leave a yearning in my cheeks
I love you raw
my lips meet your smooth skin
and trail them with burns
my breath scorches your flesh
You breath in
and out
Stomach crashing like
the waves to the rocks
and I take you in
with every beat
I grasp, I cling
We sweat
and collapse
and in the midst of slumber
it happens all again
And as we argue
over who's using who
with legs entangled
and chins nestled into necks,
I know every shoulder
kissed softly,
every pause took
to brush lips,
every time your head rests on my belly
and you sigh, corner lips on my button
my fingers wrapped around your curls,
That this isn't use
It's love
When I no longer
Crave your skin
It'll be because I
no longer enjoy the shower
of your laughter
When I don't want to slip my thighs around you
and squeeze,
it'll be because
I no longer want to know your thoughts
When I no longer want to meet you on the pillows,
It'll be because you no longer warm me
when you smile at me from across the car.
So if, in the middle of our passions,
your mind grows doubtful of my heart
Know that this bed is not the source of my love,
but a symptom, a sign,
an expression.
Because words and roses and lilies and chocolates are
simply not enough.
And maybe if you can't understand in my kiss,
maybe you won't ever understand at all,
because I know of no better way to tell you,
I love you.
Feb 17, 2011
Feb 17, 2011 at 10:12 AM UTC
And
if
I
can't look into
the mirror
and see
me
anymore
I'm not
blaming you
But
I am
leaving you
And if
I can't
look into the mirror
and
love me
anymore
I'm not
blaming you
but I am
saying goodbye you
hello me
And if
I wake up
lonely without you
At least
I won't
wake up
empty without me.
Feb 6, 2011
Feb 6, 2011 at 10:35 AM UTC
I grab a shoe
a shoe
a shoe
Because everyone wears shoes
Because everyone needs shoes
I grab a shoe
and I shove my foot
straight in
Because that's what everyone does
Because my foot wasn't good enough
as is.
Despite,
supporting my weight
and keeping me afloat.
My foot needs more, to be complete.
Because all feet get cold, I guess.
But this shoe annoys,
it suffocates
it squishes my toes
that just want to wriggle free
And I'll have to wear it,
as uncomfortable as it is,
until I wear it down
But soon after that,
this one
will have given up on me.
And I'll just have to get a new one,
and go through the whole thing,
Because everyone needs shoes
All their lives
But even after I have
shoved this foot into
that shoe
the ordeal isn't yet over.
a shoe needs effort to work right
you've got to tie it up to keep it on.
So I grab this lace,
and I scoop up that lace
and I pull like I've seen others do,
the grip on my foot gets tighter,
But this shoe's not going anywhere either.
So I start crisscrossing
and looping
and more pulling
and stretching
and soon,
I've got a finger
or two
stuck.
Frustrated,
I yank them out.
and the whole thing unravels.
and I've got to start again.
But to no avail;
with no point
Because
even when I slow down,
I get distracted,
Even when I focus,
I fail
But I spend hours
and hours
trying to knot these **** laces
trying to tie this **** shoe
Because everyone wears shoes.
They make it look so easy,
They make it look so fun,
But my foot just wants free.
To roam without constraints.
But bare-feet aren't the norm,
So I'll keep sitting here,
Slowly learning to tie my shoe.
Jan 4, 2011
Jan 4, 2011 at 10:03 PM UTC