i used to be a self-flagellating closet case,
but now i'm just a navel-gazing headcase;
there's a piercing there !
of course i have to appreciate it :)
i'm a raindrop on the average
person's face, but i feel like a storm
i used to be kind, and then i was cruel,
now i'm completely different!
i'm kind, i'm cruel, and perfectly
imperfectly peculiarly impairingly
genderfucked. what am i but
visual haze and a mentally
demented entity for the cis and
even my other trans kin to
gaze at? navel-ly, of course.
it took me a couple decades, but
i figured it out! i'm a thousand
storms, a thousand shipwrecks,
and a couple of decades worth of
selves crammed into a rickety,
malnourished, moribund brain.
i'm a giggling fox, i'm a lonely,
hysterical cat, i'm nothing, i'm
the chirp of a cricket, i'm the
scream of a passing train, i'm the
torment of a broken household, i'm
an old lover, i'm a current lover,
i'm dead, i'm a terrible
poet, i'm a geriatric "human"
who accidentally got let out of
impatient, i'm a failure, i'm a
failed artist, i'm brutally honest,
i'm a liar, i'm prideful in how
direct and how accidentally
crude i can be, i'm a failed
artist, i'm the lyrics to a 1989
swans song, i'm a **** i'm short for this
world, i'm a decaying tree
that was planted and overtrimmed,
i'm still nothing, i'm disabled, i'm
worthless, i'm scratched full of inky
scribbles i thought would make me
feel right, i'm full of past
and present love, i'm scared, I'm
underskilled and overqualified, i'm a
misanthrope who's obsessed with
the human body, i'm over all of
my addictions, i'm so angry at
the selfish, overconsuming hoards
of humanity, i'm struggling, i'm not
sure I remember much, i'm
regularly tested because i swear that
i'm not risk-taking too much, i'm naive
i'm a braggart, i'm a charlatan
i'm dizzy all the time, i'm always
thinking and it never stops, i'm talking
way too ******* much.
i'm always clawing out of my own
storm though, i'm trying not to drown.
i have too much to love, too much
to lust for, too many kin to exhilarate,
too many ways to learn about this
engrossing floating rock in the void.
i have to grow more, even if my
storm is always trying to undo
me. it can't undo everything,
it can't undo the way my
body curves about now,
it can't undo the way i've
run so far, and it can't
undo the way i've
been humbled.
decline in both joint-flexibility
and mental flexibility is
truly unfortunate, but i must
bare myself still: to art,
to friends, to lovers, to the past,
to the future, to everything
willing to listen.
Feb 12
Feb 12, 2026 at 6:40 AM UTC
i often forget
the previous week
with my eyes wet
of tears so bleak
i often forget
who's there
who i met
the love we
used to share
i bet
there is no savior
only a debt
and my empty behavior
i remember
the debt of life
a burning ember
i hold no strife
forget the ember
forget the soul
forget the joy
forget the life
forget the will
i dont recall a hope
drag me on
painful obligations
drag me on
lost connections
i hold
no regret
just the weight
of every poor mistake
there will never
never be a day
where i make the wrongs
the rights
a day where i
where i ***** the mistakes
only a day
where i breathe the air
of an eventual
hope
hope is absent
as with a usual breath
the cycle continues
this sickness unto death
lack of hope
lack of hope
drag me down in
my lost self
drag me down
oh
drag me down
dead hopeless spirit
drag me down
my dear dead spirit
until hope comes
Sep 10, 2019
Sep 10, 2019 at 3:22 AM UTC
the lull of early morning
the blow of my noisy fan
cast me towards sleep
go to bed
dear
go to sleep and
dream
for just a bit
the world may not pause
while you're away
but you won't miss a clause
of yours
six hours of sleep
enough to make me yawn
but not put me too deep
in exhaustion as if I woke at dawn
Jun 4, 2019
Jun 4, 2019 at 6:30 AM UTC
my weekend
of insanity
begins to blend
in my soul of vanity
From friday
to tonight
i fell prey
to my soul's bite
i dealt with
the scream
in my mind
when a dream
was all i wished to find
the going was rough
but the pain
was put to *****
and began to drain
this weekend i survived
the insanity
from which it derived
has hopefully brought back my humanity
May 26, 2019
May 26, 2019 at 10:18 PM UTC
there's a roach
dear ******* god it's a roach
as i'm typing away
all day
i see this roach
i will not approach
there's a duck outside wow!
but oh **** the bug is still inside
oh ****
oh god
oh ****
it's getting closer
pow!
i smack it
it's name was ed
it is dead
bless
the end
but it's not the end
just another distraction
a route to a dead end
the bug may be mush
while my brain's turned to slush
I look in the mirror
I look in my eyes
see all the time
the wasted time
my day is a night
when I wake up
all that remains
is 6 hours of light
I'll make no change
I'll be awake all night
no exchange
for early sleep
unless I obtain
a good reason
May 25, 2019
May 25, 2019 at 6:00 AM UTC
seems it has been quite
quite longer than
eleven weeks
since we last spoke
i'm sure that on this early morning
you're only sleeping
but i'd like to share
some basic ideas
Perhaps you
can't forget it all
in fact
it might be the sad reality
that all you can do
is reflect on
a good old memory
the simple memories that you hold
and seem to also run through my head
even if i refuse, the inevitable rises
that i must accept those
precious hours
we had
and it seems that
i like to reference songs in
all of my reminiscence
through this incoherent series
of run-on sentences
to answer your questions
do you want answers?
at least now
after all this time
quite longer than
eleven weeks
since we last spoke?
or may i leave your questions
as mysteries of your poem?
the answers
can only be guessed
guessed
emotionally
or logically
we do know
what happened this year
and it seems that
i took you
as far as you could go
hugs are nice
so embrace the hugs
selfishness is a construct
you can't be afraid
to care for yourself
and explore
your desires
i'm sorry i didn't stay
why would an affair
be needed
to visit you?
well, i sure hope
my lacking presence
doesn't wrack your brain anymore
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 5:02 AM UTC
love love dove
the dove fell far
love love dove
burned to a char
craven craven raven
again rose a star
craven craven raven
picked at your scar
vain vain crane
full of empty words
vain vain crane
of the foolish birds
wail wail quail
a dying creed
well well quail
a time to bleed
a time that ends
the pain of past
a wound that mends
has been passed
i cannot lie
the pain i felt
with our goodbye
oh i could melt
i'm truly sorry
about the necromancer
the love which you gave
to the poor romancer
were you brought
back from the dead?
if so, then please
live and not dread
look on and not dread
the memories
that your mind must tread
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 5:01 AM UTC
I ponder
I wander
The dark grey ocean
Of past, present
And destiny
I wallow in
wounds for
which i must suture
I think on the future
a light in the deep
i think it’s called love
I look from above
it’s so hard to reach
in this
dark grey ocean
She makes me so
bitter
but
I’m not a
quitter
Call it weakness
or lack of will
i can never defeat
what makes me so ill
Even so
i’ll never reconsider
I can try and ignore
the pain
cuz
it’s
definitely
worth the gain
in this
dark grey ocean
Aug 27, 2018
Aug 27, 2018 at 10:47 PM UTC