reilly-cole
Australian
"Looking at the stars always makes me dream," he said, "Why, I ask myself, shouldn't the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France? Just as we take the train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star." - Vincent Van Gogh
i was the night and you took the sun out of your pocket just for me
a shining bright beacon, casting its brilliant gleam wide
across my disbelieving expression, showing the underside of the moon
and yet that light is dimmed, but only by my attitude of it
for light in a dark room is painful in the least, when it shatters the silence i surround myself with
finding comfort only in that which shows nothing of itself
simple and blank, less than confronting, my bed lays there in that lonely balance
lonely is a word i use to describe myself, not alone because how can you be alone with all the music and art and faces you see on the screens. it is but a feeling, deep down inside, a brutal poison...all consuming. this is where my darkness is born
I am the night, and your smile, that singular light on the horizon and above, is the sun
a shining bright beacon, casting its radiance as far as i can see and further
not that im looking that far, the future im sure is as bright as you, but, whos looking
for when you’re being consumed, you lose sight of what may be important and you ignore it for that which makes you feel...something. thats what the darkness did, blinded me to the sun thats always been there for me, for us
has anyone ever met the moon, I did and its beautiful. a soft glow, breaking the monotonous plane of empty, the first glimpse of light in an otherwise dark place. unrecognisable at first, for i had never seen this moon before, but im sure you have right, that light always there, the suns sister or brother or cousin...a back up i guess
i am unfamiliar with what its like to be bathed in that reflection, and thats what the moon is right, a reflection and mirror to whats on the otherside, whats behind you or dampened, whats covered or obscured.. it took a long time to realise that this gorgeous radiant beauty i was seeing was that same sun you retrieved from your pocket.
You only showed me the moon because you knew the sun would scare me terrify petrify me after so long from its warmth. you were being careful, caring. making sure to dip my toes in that daylight. but i didnt want to thaw so i stayed there in the cold light of the moon while you slowly dragged the sun. until it lay directly infront of me, burning into my eyes, blinding in its strength, unstoppable force of life and light and happiness...
I felt blind again, but this time...i revelled in it
I was the night, and i will continue to be so. for no change can come so abruptly. the empty void will always be a part of my psyche. but now you have given me the moon and you keep it bright by throwing your starlight across its surface. and in turn my dull thoughts are constantly submerged in thats freeing brilliance. That darkness has a ray of light piercing its impenetrable veil, forever more...
I was night and i am night, but now...now i have my moon and my friend...the blazing sun...
Dec 29, 2018
Dec 29, 2018 at 8:42 PM UTC
beautiful artwork has always come from real life experiences, in my mind i see traumatic events as a way to forge a soul in fire and heat, dark and terror.
coming out of it stronger in body, weaker in mind, until those wounds heal over, scars left that are fragile so you take the time to give them tender, love.
a learning experience, a way to grow, a seed, watered in misery, pain, remorse or guilt. giving way to a tree that flourishes while marred and hurt beneath.
Your branches strong although twisted, growing still. people watch, people talk and never see beyond the cover. they never see the foundations that are slowly wrapping themselves in the sorrow of the past.
Strength lies in diversity, more so in adversity. Fighting against that which tries to squash you, make you break. but like the yew tree and unlike the oak, we bend to the storm and we weather it...
Dec 7, 2018
Dec 7, 2018 at 7:10 AM UTC
im getting sick of the crazy
sick of the never ending reminders
of what has passed and what is yet to come
the fear of rejection that i know is irrational
the loss that i feel isnt that deep but i feel it is
What can i do truly to make this go away
who is to know but me
forever relying on my best friend to always
help me out of situation i dont know how to deal with
this reliance is terrible and debilitating
what once was so beautiful an escape has now
turned into something i cant realise
or escape from, these thoughts of pain
something i held so dearly now anything is just a reminder of the hell im fleeing
these friends i called friends and still see as friends arent what i thought of as friend but these friends are just my pained rememberances of what i consider friend and just feel like a loss, a void of friends
i have one friend that i rely upon to be my voice
reasoning to make it seem like i can do better that i
dont need those people that havent been around for years but now
seem to have been around forever but are my reminders of pain
that friend has almost always been there
and they are great and amazing but not what i long for
which is release so i don’t have to drown my sorrows with a bottle
of numbness and forgetting which i know i do best but is it enough at this point
to just forget and forgive and rely on new memories to swallow the old
has that ever helped before, no it’s only caused lonely and sleepless nights
nights to forget and dissolve what i feel and hold close
my heart my health my mind cannot deal with it
but i strive with this positive attitude in order to survive what once
was a forgiving world that allowed weakness but now
that im older, not even that old, the pain breaks through and makes
things oh so difficult
if only things could change and i could rely on no one but myself
but that takes time that i do not have access to yet
if only i could push these memories and thoughts away
i could thrive in this life of agony
but then...i would not be myself
suffering.
Aug 5, 2018
Aug 5, 2018 at 8:54 AM UTC
Some days, I wake up and i just don’t feel pretty. I don’t know what it is, whether its the food that i eat or the drinks that i drink or the things that i do try to enjoy. I get up, and look in the mirror, and i just hate the image staring back at me.
I mean, it isn’t like i think im grotesque, it isn’t like i genuinely believe that i am repulsive, i just cannot get over the fact that, my skin is marred, what once was flawless is now scarred. i cannot see past the blur that i see in my eyes, the haze on my soul.
Some days, i wake up, and i just want to get high, and lie, in the rain instead on lying to myself that everything is how it should be, that destiny and fate have me in just the right position. That i am exactly where i need to be, but i truly do not see where this is going.
I mean, what am i doing? and where am i to go, when i dont see my future laid out like a yellow brick road. I joke about needing sunglasses because my future is that bright, but im blinded by the fact that i truly have no idea, where i am, let alone whats coming next.
Some days, i block out my past, by creating a swirling ball of white nothing, and feed my thoughts, my life, my worst times into the light so i dont have to twitch and cringe as my mistakes flash before my sight. It is difficult to live with such regret, and can i keep going.
I mean, it feels like fire through my brain when some of my best memories are those i have when i am alone. because when i am around others, no matter who they are, i hate what i do, what i have said and what my next move will be.
Some days, i feel like falling into the sun, and burn to a crisp. To see my pale bones char and flash into ashes because i hate who i have become. i want to escape the world, if just for a time, to stop existing but not to die. its a break of sorts from having to think, for all else i see, hear, smell, taste is to much and pushes me to the brink.
Some days, i have to whisper my own sweet nothings, to myself, knowing of course that no one else will. its not that everyone hates me, but i dont know its true, that for want of a companion my loneliness grew. It seems no ones approaches for reasons i do not know, i do my absolute best to make others smile and that seems to channel a raging torrent of, you’re not worth my time.
I mean, i truly despise the opinions of others and loathe that i care what they think. It doesnt make sense that they have so much weight, so much say, in how i view myself. i know its not right, and i know that its wrong, but i cannot stop myself no matter what.
Some days, i am my own person i tell myself, but i know its a lie, im itty bitty pieces of every other guy, and girl. traits and mannerism i admire, ive tried to replicate, a chameleon uncomfortable in their own skin, itching and scratching and doing their “best”.
I mean, its not my best, that i know for truth. what is my best? do i or will i ever know? probably not, for since the beginning of memory ive imitated and copied and imprinted personality parts, i havent been my own person for a very long time.
Some days. I wish it were not so frequent. Some days. I wish for silence. From my Thoughts. From my Feelings. From the boisterous noise that is life. I need to stop and i need to sleep. I just need to know i havent fallen in too deep. There may come a day where i do see the light, when my futures ember bursts into bright white.
But for now i know that tomorrow when i wake, ill look in the mirror and stare and say ‘you know what...today is okay’
Feb 24, 2018
Feb 24, 2018 at 9:39 PM UTC
i dont know what im doing
what im doing with myself
my future
my life
i dont know where i want to go
to uni
to work
to another planet
i dont who i am anymore
who i used to be
who i am
who i wish to be
i dont know how i feel
about me
about you
about my friends or family
i dont know what to do
i just dont know
i cant explain it any further
im at a dead end
i dont know whether
im depressed
just sad
or struggling
i dont know what to feel or how
i dont understand what is happening to me
maybe ive just been so busy or distracted by my work and home that i forgot to check in with how im doing
it feels like
im lost
im gone
im indifferent
i wish i was indifferent
i wish i didnt have to feel
or not feel
i just...
i dont know
Sep 7, 2017
Sep 7, 2017 at 1:55 AM UTC
curiosity, best left caged, away from those who regard ignorance as safe
rattle rattle, went the window, shake shake, went the walls
fear, works best when wild, filling those ignorant minds
smash & crash, the furniture flew through the room
thrum thrum, the harp pickes up a tune
as the chandelier fell on the unsuspecting child
Mourning, sorrow and loss, running rings and loops inside
your mind filled with a deep sadness over the one you lost
long ago when the crystal strained & the metal cracked into pieces
as your own peaceful world was torn apart and strewn across the cosmos
Down in the dumps, longing for freedom from your dark rotting treasure
hidden from view, from sight & smell, locked tight in an airless box
as suffocating as plastic wrap, wrapped around your face, mouth & nose
asphyxiating, deadening, slowly wasting away as the world keeps turning
a pill? frowns from the dead. a noose? frowns from the deceased
confusion and longing for the feather, for the end of emotion
less the love of the young ones past, more may emotion live
with no path, no sight, no air. locked in a box out of sight...
mindless
Jul 14, 2014
Jul 14, 2014 at 11:26 PM UTC
overused words are thrown about
and meaningless phrases tossed out.
such words like love & hate
pour forth from silver tongues
emotionless communication
by yellow bellied snakes and
their cowardice is apparent
once faced by a parent, trusted and loyal
manners, such as courtesy, honesty, loyalty, friendship & honour
all are firmly buried in the past
with no hope of ressurrection
meaningless words aren't worth mentioning
mentioning meaningless words is
a meaningless way of communication
all this is a way to twist the world to ones perspective.
perspectives are a preview of our own opinion
our opinion is an overview of our closeguarded secects
with secrets comes a responsibility to uphold secret subjects
our lives are subject to the whims of our leaders perspectives.
Jun 2, 2014
Jun 2, 2014 at 11:29 PM UTC
My emotions are frozen, in a block of stone
untouched by time, or people filled with hate
Love, hope, joy, rage, sadness, faith, kindness
None of these are at my command, forever lost
Out of sync with my feelings, no way to get back
hopeless, loveless, unable to feel anything
Im sick of these missing emotions
even though i know no different
I cant stand this emptiness inside my heart
i cant love anyone, no feelings come forth
when i think i love someone, they leave, and im the same
untouched by their absence, indifferent to the pain
Over this gaping wound, this slit wrist, a noose hanging
Pills spilled across the sink, a bottle of poison lays empty
I feel nothing over my absence, no emotions bubble forth
until im on the floor, covered in red, laying in blood....
fear.
May 19, 2014
May 19, 2014 at 9:41 PM UTC
I flood of memories race through me
reminding me of my foolish behaviour
A wave of agony rushed over me
bringing me from my drunken stupor
I remember a night, filled with bad decisions
I lust after someone i shouldnt have
and we kissed, i kissed him and he kissed me
but he still finds hes straight, what folly
But i pushed him into it, without a word uttered
he lent in and so did i, until we were locked together
At the lips is where we met, something i doubt ill forget
An amazing kiss and a bottle of wine later
He had to leave and i was upset, happy about the kiss
He will regret his decision to lean, to kiss and hold
His actions were strong, drunken and bold
He needed a release and there i was, right in front
With this being said he lent in first, yet i went along
as if i didnt know better, granted we were drunk
and out of our minds, it doesnt matter, im filled with shame
I dont regret kissing him, i merely regret meeting him
It was a mistake on his part and mine
Hes not okay with it, but me, im fine
i will make it up to him if only i can,
in 3 more days we'll be kissing again
May 19, 2014
May 19, 2014 at 8:14 PM UTC
I am someone though a stranger to you. I’ve got no self-control
I’m sick of the **** and of the pain, crying myself to sleep each night
My days of worry and terrifying nights of fear, what about not knowing if I’ll wake up?
How would you feel, if you knew that tomorrow, you might not get out of bed?
You’d feel wretched; you would cry and break down on a daily basis, wouldn’t you…
I shouldn’t care, I know that much, I shouldn’t cry over these little things
But it does get to me, it does hurt, wait, I’ve decided I won’t put up with this ****
I’ve got no self-control, don’t mess with me, I’m a scary person don’t anger me, a modern Hulk
Fangs and claws, ripping my soul and mind to shreds, changing me into another person
Someone none but you know, he did, but he lost me and I have you, calm me please….
See these marks, these hideous marks; you caused this monstrosity, now it’s a constant reminder
Memories of horror, you created me as I am, you hurt me that deeply, and I took a knife to my flesh
A searing hot burn, a blistering, all because you couldn’t stand me, you didn’t want to be alone
You did this to me, you did it all, you made me fall so far, you attention seeker, but I don’t hate you…
I thank you for this, your fault not mine for creating me as I am, I can now hurt you, with no guilt
Now dear child, reap what you sow, bear this burden, and suffer the consequences of your actions
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 8:15 PM UTC