It's me
HEY! ...it's me
I don't know why... but how many times did you leave that same message on my phone.
All three that I still have
They alI charge, under my bed
just so I can hear you say "It's me" Just so
So I can still get mad at the "Don't know why I called"'s
until I hear the pause, where you realize you need to go
GO RIGHT NOW
I miss the voicemails you left me
You wouldn't tell me but you would call religiously if I didn't answer
And I would call you, over and over and over
It was enough to see my name on the little screen I guess
But then you needed me to make a recording
so you could hear my voice when leaving short, self destructive messages
or lengthy two minute long translations of goodbye
You said "Just do it please... So I can hear your voice when you don't answer me."
You never called me back
And I still have no message for my machine.
Jun 13, 2015
Jun 13, 2015 at 12:42 AM UTC
spin webs; eat ink
she isn't there, she's wishing
clawing at locks; tell me
Because I haven't any words it seems
I sure am struggling.
but I still have a pen.
So just because this sounds like ****
Just because you don't like, you don't think I am worth remembering
One day I am going to write it
I will write it all, and maybe
Nobody will like it or get it
but you're going to hear me.
You are going to ******* hear me.
Jan 8, 2014
Jan 8, 2014 at 6:28 PM UTC
Let Them Linger->
no don't **** them.
Oh dear, HERE is the conflict,
frozen solid...
don't regret anything; learn from it.
Learn from WHAT?!
- don't talk
- say it all
- stay home
- chase them
- give them space
- let them go
- they come back
- they leave again
Then there's you.
- breaking hearts
- ******* boys
- hating yourself
- so you mistreat them
You realize the cycle
So what? Just stop?
okay.
now what?
Jan 8, 2014
Jan 8, 2014 at 6:25 PM UTC
I have burned things for hours
to see what color they would turn
When you burned me, and we know you did
what color did you see?
Jan 4, 2014
Jan 4, 2014 at 12:09 AM UTC
dumb & anxious
longhaired
I lived on the edge, a ******
to any single thing you shared
words, kisses, hate, spit, secrets
dares
to live without you
I cleaned, with alcohol
I scrubbed, with *******
now there's nothing in here
notes, pictures, stories, feelings
no more nerve endings for you
numb & nervous
empty stare
Dec 23, 2013
Dec 23, 2013 at 10:55 PM UTC
Get out of my mouth
Cold night air, the calm before the storm
I haven't had a taste of you in ages
What brings it on?
I want to claw you out
Rub til tears
Taste someone new, yet
I'm
Either empty
Or remember you
Dec 21, 2013
Dec 21, 2013 at 3:35 AM UTC
She's riding in my passenger seat, telling me about the girl who won't separate the sheets
Steering wheel hot under my hands as I drive down a service road miles away
The whiskey shots she had early hit my nose, and acid burns my eyes
Cause you're riding shotgun and I can feel the bleeding in my mind
I haven't spoken to you in months, despite your hidden attempts
Longer still, since I've seen you under the night sky with your love at your side
It has been almost a year since I kissed you last
I can taste you now because I smelled the mix of cigarettes and bourbon
Years it's been since I've known you, if ever at all
The dust in my car clings to the bits and pieces that remind me
***** amplifies the fact that your skin cells and hair are probably still embedded in the seats
Next to me the girl is still talking about the god ****** laundry
Just yesterday my email put me into a panic
There was your name, asking for friendship, within a cloak of invisibility of course
The tab flashed as brightly as a siren to me yet I didn't move nor budge
WBF he asked, just for a second, no more
No more, well how convenient for you isn't it?
It's always within your time frames, when you need it
Never friends when I have been crushed, when I lay cursing you in your last shirt you left
Abandoned on my floor
I hit the blinker, turn down the workhorse, and nod my head
Trying not to breathe deeply while agreeing with whatever she said
I dropped her off at the liquor store and as she slammed the door
My throat burned with a scream that you would never hear
Two long years, your scent stayed with me
In my hair, in my heart, in my bed
Even though you were happy in CO, living with your high school sweetheart
And I was home, fighting with mine instead
You came back, she ruined you is what you claimed
I left him and tried all the wrong ways to save you
So we fell asleep too many times together on someone else's couch
And after telling me you loved me and begging me to return it, you left me
Said you were in love, with a girl who hate ****** you
Screamed the word perpetuated into the phone
and that wound is the rotting hole that you used to be kept safe in
A soul that was so tightly wound with your snores and your thoughts and your beastly smile
The car is parked, and I do not cry for you even with the feeling
Like you could be right here, trying hard not to love my car dancing and my real laugh
I am a smart girl, I say today just as I did yesterday
Smart girl furious that I made it all up
I thought I knew the boy in the combat boots picking flowers
I believed him when he cried onto me and swore I wasn't a joke
That he wasn't saying them behind my back, the one he clinged to when he made love
That's what he told me we did, I said we were making stories
I forget from time to time, but I am furious that I believed him
That he let me believe him
More than anything, he was supposed to be my friend
He wanted me to be invisible
Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 3:19 PM UTC
Today I made a sad attempt to die
yet I had no rope
To make my thirteen loops
like an old man showed me to do
I thought about where I could find enough
to hold my body above the ground
Where my feet just barely touch
my hands limp beside thick thighs
Failing at my attempt at life
there seems no better time
When I have no hope
this is costly and for naught
I've nothing to offer here
and I have no want to
No being pulled apart and shoved beneath the rug
yet I lack motivation and drive
Even in this
so no progress will ever be made
I made a sad attempt to change my life today
May 24, 2013
May 24, 2013 at 2:53 PM UTC
You called
Again
This time you left
Another voicemail
I shake my head, then roll my eyes
Then I feel myself begin to think
Perhaps he needs to talk to me
Specifically
I listen to your voice like I have so many times before
"I don't know why I called-"
I throw down my phone
Don't know?
Then don't
Just don't
Tears are inching towards the corners of my eyes
Hate is everywhere, in hot white flames inside my mouth
Blindly I splash water over me
Shaky hands because of our ruined foundation
My eyes find yours in the mirror
And I start screaming
The glass isn't who put me through Hell
Yet it suffers all your consequence
When it is covered in spit
One would think I would feel-
But no I am still insufficient
May 16, 2013
May 16, 2013 at 3:12 PM UTC
I am ready for summer to dance back into my life.
I will always love that season above all others.
I am ready for the heat and the long nights,
the bugs and fireworks.
I want nothing more than to care about only making sure that I am out of the house every single day more hours than I am inside.
I want scorching cement under my feet.
Chalk and bubble solution soaked into all of my clothes.
Every negative inch of my soul is brightened up just a bit under the summer sun.
Water balloons and the sun roof down.
I want it all back.
I know we all love Summer, most of us do anyways,
I guess I know a few people that can’t stand the heat.
But summer has always held this idea to me that I could become infinite.
I can change my entire life around with one fantastic summer,
if I just went headfirst into it.
I would come out with golden threads plaited into my hair,
pretty thighs and green flecks in my eyes.
I will come out with a sense of fearless courage I lost too long ago.
I can be sure to find my five year old self longer than a moment when Summer comes back.
She will sit with me, happy that I can find a natural smile in the muggy humidity.
I will hear her confidence in the back of my mind before I go bungee jumping.
She will tell me that we have never been scared of anything.
Her twang will pull at my heart strings,
and I will never resist such encouragement.
At night when shadows creep up my spine,
she’ll squeeze my hand and I’ll laugh at the monsters in my head.
My five year old self would kick my *** for the ways I act today.
My head floods with the best of old memories when July creeps upon me,
I will see skipping rocks, and trails,
and all the smiles I put on people’s faces.
I will hear the pride in my dad’s voice,
and it will sound like it is in my reach to get it back.
Wild innocence will grow back inside my heart,
if only for a few months…
The backbone that bends without breaking will straighten itself with threads of spider’s silk
and I will look people in the eye,
and I won’t care what they see inside of mine.
Then August will make it’s appearance,
and I will balk, like a horse at flowing water.
I’ll dig my feet into the hard earth and my head will fly back and shake the mirrors in my face.
I will only see the awful darkness that awaits me the rest of the three seasons.
Then I will hear that voice, asking me to promise, to be honest…
to try all year long, because there is nothing to be scared of.
I cry at the end of every summer, just because I can’t stand for my happiness to leave me.
She will tell me if I cry, she won’t stick around;
and I know that I should swear,
pinky promise and try my damnedest.
But by the time September is here, I am a mess.
The shadows and monsters have taken up residence
and Fear has his hands crawling up my back,
undoing all the threads that were holding up my spine;
smiling all the while, bringing up goosebumps on my paling skin.
Fear takes me while I wait for Summer to save me.
Apr 9, 2013
Apr 9, 2013 at 12:57 PM UTC