We were scraped hands
we were exhaustion showing through;
we were messy hair after naps all to prove
we loved how we lived
and we lived how we loved
but then - we grew up
and minutes turned to seconds,
and weeks turned to days
and soon enough there we were
grown ups, in a daze.
time moving faster than it ever did before
every day, suddenly a bore.
thinking more from the core
don't know how we ever swore
this world would never turn us stone
turn into all the things we say we won't
waiting to see if the bad would outweigh hope.
never thought being a grown up would be tough,
then we grew up and we've had enough.
Jun 29, 2023
Jun 29, 2023 at 9:43 PM UTC
I've seen myself in the mirror
And it looks the same as always
But the feeling deep down under
Shows that the real me is far away
I've lived in the same skin forever
And it feels the same as always
But the look of it asunder
Shows that the real me is far away
I've breathed in the same way as always
And it's always been suffocating
But to outsiders it seems normal
Nothing but brooding too long on twilight
But in my soul I feel untamed
And in my skin I feel maimed
In my breath I feel strangled
My everything yearning for freedom
Freedom from this, far away from this
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 11:51 PM UTC
Today I lie in bed
Wondering if there will come a day,
when I will no longer shudder at your glance,
when my skin will no longer crawl
just at the sight of you
of you looking at me
See, I have this fear
that my skin
will always be soiled by your touch
that my lips
will always burn from your kiss
that my heart
will always hurt from your love
that my mind
will be always scarred from your words
See, I have this fear
that my next love will love me how you did
that my next love will hurt me how you did
that my next love will abuse me emotionally and verbally
how you did
how you made me lesser
how you took from me
and gave nothing in return
See, I have this fear.
But lately as I lay in my bed
I've begun to realize that one day
my skin will be fresh and new
and it will be skin you have never touched
that my lips will have peeled
and they will be lips you have never kissed
that my heart will have replaced the broken pieces
and it will never have been loved by you
See, I have this dream.
That one day I will be loved by a man
Who never thought of me
how you thought of me
Who will love me
how you never loved me
Who will kiss me
how you never kissed me
And that recovery will make me
A person you will have never known.
Apr 22, 2017
Apr 22, 2017 at 9:59 PM UTC
I don't quite know how to start off this letter, as I don't really know how to start to say goodbye. How do you say goodbye to somebody you've loved your whole life? How do you say words you never thought you'd have to say?
Never in a million years did I think that this is how you would go, that this is how you would be taken from us. If you had caught me back when I was 15 and asked if I thought that my beloved aunt who had devoted her life and soul to the lord would be fighting cancer, I'd tell you it could never happen.
But, I learned very quickly that cancer does not discriminate. Cancer will take whomever it chooses, despite the amount of prayers, love, and hope we send out into the abyss.
I still remember the day I found out. The night before, everyone was gathering at grams for an extremely rare occasion - a visit from you. It was exciting and terrifying when I heard the news that you were coming down from the Monastery and staying the weekend, as typically Nuns are not allowed to leave the Monastery for any general reason, let alone for leisure. At the time you were coming down my cousin and I were not speaking, though I can barely remember why now. That night while I was working and you spent your first night home with your parents in very many years, I received a text from my cousin that read "Hey, when you talk to Aunt Sally tomorrow, text me. I know we're not on the best of terms but just text me, okay?" So then the worry became more prominent and it seemed as though I was being terrorized that night as I dreamed. The next day I went to my grams, and soon enough the world was crumbling around me. I was not prepared in the slightest to hear what I was about to hear, for nothing in this world can prepare you for the news that cancer has riddled it's way into your loved one. No one and nothing can prepare you for the news that the cancer isn't just at its beginning stages, but that its just nearing its end. That, from the moment the cancer formed in your body until the moment you noticed an abnormality and went for a doctor's visit, you had not even the slightest clue that cancer was taking over your body. I thank the Lord that your disease was, for the majority of the time before this past year and some, painless. I thank the Lord that we were lucky enough to have so much more time with you than what was originally thought. I thank the Lord for the many blessings already bestowed upon my family; for my amazing nephew and niece, for the wonderfully supportive family we are, and so much more.
But now, with each and every passing day, I wake up knowing full well that the time span of two weeks to two months left for you is only a number, that this means nothing. The Lord will take you when he pleases, and no amount of prayers to Him, to Mary, to Joseph, to the Seven Martyrs, or to any Saint, will change the Lord's mind.
Feb 23, 2017
Feb 23, 2017 at 10:40 PM UTC
They tell you there's a light at the end of the road
They tell you there's a life for all those they've told
They told me I'd be alright, all I had to do was breathe
But I've been breathing since the day I was born
And I can tell you it hasn't kept me "fine"
They tell you I'm crazy,
They tell you I'm lazy,
but what they don't tell you is how I struggle to get out of bed
what they don't tell you is how close to death I've been
what they don't tell you is how strong I am.
They told me it happens all the time,
they told me soon the sun will shine
they told me many things that were all lies.
What they didn't tell me was that I was crazy,
that I was lazy,
Because what they told me was I would be fine.
But all they've done is make me crazy,
make me mad and desperate for relief from shame
shame that I shouldn't have for needing help
shame that I shouldn't have for bleeding out
shame that I shouldn't have for opening up
but it is a shame that I bear
because they told you I was crazy
and they told you I was shady.
I'm just me. And I'm having trouble being that today.
So please don't tell me that I'm crazy,
because I'm actually quite nice
I'm actually quite fun.
If you'd bothered to get to know me
you would have known all this stuff.
But you didn't.
Because you believed them when they told you I was crazy.
Nov 5, 2014
Nov 5, 2014 at 12:30 PM UTC
What if your pain relievers
Don't relieve my pain?
What if those true believers
Don't believe I'm sane?
What if the way they stereotype me
Isn't my stereotype at all?
What if just being me
Is what they see as my downfall?
What if the stories they tell you
Are never really the truth?
Would you stand up and confront them
Or let them bleed out you?
What if my suicide
Wasn't really suicide at all?
What if it was first degree ******
Premeditated; assumed.
What if your psychiatric meds
Don't "clarify" and "soothe".
What if they don't control me
And my will isn't under control?
What if America was free again
From drug scandals and abuse?
What if meds were actually prescribed
To people of dire use?
What if the living were given chance to live with mistakes instead of the dead?
What if we assumed the living
Were imperfect until death?
What if we did not assume
That my mood swings are chemical?
That maybe I, one too many times,
Had encountered something to cause them?
Sep 3, 2014
Sep 3, 2014 at 11:17 PM UTC
When he calls me darling,
his hand is holding mine.
When he calls me darling,
my anger lasts a short amount of time.
When he calls me darling,
all my sadness slips away,
Except when I realize he won't be mine,
all of those things replay.
But when he calls me darling,
I desire for just his touch.
I desire for him to hold me,
he does not have to say much.
And when he calls me darling,
the world is suddenly alright.
But when he calls me darling,
I remember he isn't mine.
But it still means the whole world to me,
and he still means a whole lot.
because he was the first and only one to know me,
with all my weaknesses or not.
He recognized my strength,
but caressed me for my weakness,
He recognized my reality,
its fatality and its craziness.
He saw all the walls I had built up,
and had painted to show how I felt.
Except my side of the wall was real and the other side was not.
I showed the whole world what I was capable of,
What I was faking and breaking up.
He recognized me for my flaws,
and accepted me for all.
He recognized all my mistakes
and took me by the hand, and showed me this place.
This place he was never capable of living in,
but that he had shown to many.
He took me by the hand and said,
"Darlin' here I am. And here is this place,
you can live here if you want to,
but not within my embrace.
You must choose one or the other,
eventually but not now. I will stay
but only for a while,
until you sleep safely in the clouds."
I chose not long ago,
to give up and release them both.
But he took me by my hand,
and told me darling,
you must go home.
That place was meant to be
the one thing that kept you going.
I'm here only for the moment,
and to keep your memories floating.
So go back, he cried,
and be happy.
Because I cannot give that to you.
But I brought you here my darling,
Let your sorrows wash away and disappear.
When he calls me darling,
his hand is always in mine.
And when he calls me darling,
I am reminded of that time.
When the whole world had wanted him,
but only was he mine.
Sep 2, 2014
Sep 2, 2014 at 9:00 PM UTC
My stomach tightens, my lips purse
My dreams are fading, I am cursed.
My hands shake, my eyes wake
My hopes are drowning, I am misplaced.
My legs are weak, my soul is free
My spirit is surrounding. I am grounding.
Prepare for landing, and then lift off.
Aug 28, 2014
Aug 28, 2014 at 2:44 PM UTC
She was sitting on her windowsill,
looking at the tree's.
She was sitting on the windowsill,
with her hands between her knee's.
Her mind was at the edge of nowhere,
waiting to be seen.
But nobody came to look for her,
not the clouds, nor the tree's.
Her feet were braced right at the edge,
no longer anyplace to flee.
She was sitting on her windowsill,
thinking how soft the ground looked
way up with the tree's.
Downwards she tumbled,
now she was seen.
She is sitting at her windowsill,
floating with the birds and the bee's.
Aug 28, 2014
Aug 28, 2014 at 12:32 PM UTC
If I die before I wake,
Then I have died and will not awake.
But if I dream before I sleep,
Then I have dreamed a better dream
Than this life I live to live my dreams.
And if I die before I wake,
then the dreams to come will more dreams make.
Aug 26, 2014
Aug 26, 2014 at 1:54 PM UTC