i know i’m a ******* crazy house
filled with trick mirrors and jagged edges
i know i plant land mines
within my walls
shrapnel in waiting
for the next unsuspecting soul
trying to set foot within my world
i know i have built a labyrinth
throughout my whole body
a place where only
the keeper of my boxes dares to enter
i know i hide myself away
trap everything i love about myself
inside boxes locked within boxes
locked within more and more boxes
six-sided steel cages
mimicking russian nesting dolls
everything precious to me broken down
to its basest form
stacked away in opposite corners
because pieces of who and what i love
shouldn’t make me bleed
but they do
this room hidden deep inside my rib cage
comes wrapped screaming in caution tape
just as i do
nobody seems to heed my warnings
i know what i am
i know i will make you bleed
i can’t breathe trapped inside my mind
every breath i draw suffocates me a little more
i am dying in this life
nobody sees my slow death by circumstance
nobody sees how i am bleeding
i stand in pristine snow and wonder
how it remains crystalline
crimson should surround the place where i stand
my footsteps should be stained in red
there is an athame shoved deep beneath my sternum
it’s sharp blade slowly whittles away
pieces of what is left of my heart
the pain is so consuming
it doubles me over when i am least expecting it
brings me to my knees in surrender
i am bleeding out inside
dying a slow death
caused by loss of everything that i have loved
nobody sees
i am surrounded by those
who are suppose to love me best
i know they do
but they don’t know me
nobody does
shared dna doesn’t mean ****
when i know how to play the game best
masks and words are my weapons
i have hidden myself away far too well
i have only myself to blame
i wonder how i am still standing
people tell me all about the strength they think i carry within
commend me on my perseverance
i want to punch them in the face
tear their ******* tongues from their lying mouths
i am a conundrum walking among the mundane
nobody knows what i am
nobody knows what i am capable of
i am bigger than any natural disaster
i am more terrifying than any chupacabra
i will eat you alive
snack on ventricles for sport
and walk away laughing
wiping your blood from my lips
nobody knows
i have become my own worst enemy
i hurt the ones i love most because i love them so much
my love for them kills me
leaves them suffering
me consumed with guilt
i want to scream my truths from a rooftop
want to disperse the burden of being me
onto the unsuspecting
release my burdens of guilt
relieve the suffering
yet i remain silent
carry this consuming pain within my small frame
alone
always ******* alone
nobody knows
Dec 24, 2018
Dec 24, 2018 at 7:13 PM UTC
i’ve been told
that time heals all wounds
i have found that little nugget of wisdom
to be complete
********
time is cement
turning things you wish weren’t true
into concrete
time is scarring
wounds scabbed over
ready to be torn open repeatedly
at the slightest
remembering
time is an *******
20 years later
walking through hallways i had hoped never to see again
to look up and see a face
i had hoped never to see again
a face i still see in my nightmares
a face
his face
your face
i name you
nate tollefson
***
i had traveled 18 times
around the sun
when you shattered my night
the dark took on a new meaning
for me after you
locked door friends pounded on
yells ignored
the fact that i was unconscious
ignored
me ignored
you saw me as an easy target
what you did to me that night
fundamentally changed the way
i let my lovers touch me
to this day
i can’t sleep in clothes
fight or flight can’t be tangled up
when danger arises
i can still feel your weight on top of me
when i wake up screaming
soundlessly
nightmares you handed to me on a silver platter
i kept silent about you
rumors flew after the party
everyone wanted to know what had happened
had we hooked up?
i would just close my mouth and shake my head
afraid of the words that would tumble out
trying to name an act
i couldn’t have stopped
an act i didn’t want
i had been a ****** that night
i wasn’t after you left that room
i bled for 3 days after
torn and hurting
suffered in silence amid the swirling gossip
whispers behind hands into eager ears
until something more interesting
than you and me
a locked door at a party
bloodied calvin klein underwear
grabbed their attention away
they may had forgotten quickly
i still haven’t
after all, you were a star
football and wrestling built your pedestal
a warrior decorated in red and gold
walking like a god among men
why would you need to ****
yet you did
**** me
i had to look at your face every day
for the next 2 1/2 months
only once after the fact
did you even acknowledge my presence
i was nothing but a number to you
***
i am now 39 years old
life has led me far from you
yet the stain of you has remained
you handed me a life sentence that night
one you will never know
yet you handed yourself one as well
no matter how successful you are
no matter how much money you make
no matter how beautiful your wife is
no matter how charming your children
no matter how perfect your white picket fence
you will always be
a destroyer of night
a stainer of souls
a robber of trust
a murderer of innocence
a ****** of bodies and hearts
a ******
you
nate tollefson
Sep 9, 2018
Sep 9, 2018 at 2:55 PM UTC
i am an oxymoron
i can’t breathe in this life
that i’m living
but i still smoke cigarettes
they are the only thing that brings something
barely mimicking calm
to my body
i am an oxymoron
i am exhausted but i can’t sleep
for pain and nightmares
are my constant companions in the dark
i stare at the stars
drawing my own constellations within their brightness
finding shapes and solace
among the old light
i am an oxymoron
i have been whittled down to nothing more
than lean muscle and bone
still i can’t eat
food isn’t tolerated by my body
i eat words for breakfast instead
and spit them back up
roped together in patterns
that are my own sustaining
i am an oxymoron
i am bursting with words
but what i say and what others hear
are nowhere near the same thing
i am a ghost walking among the living
misunderstood and set aside
no one understands my verbal gifts offered up
so i shut my mouth and instead
swallow down everything i am
i am an oxymoron
i have passed from the world in which i belong
into a world where everything looks real
but nothing is as it seems
alice lost without her wonderland
i am alone among the masses
i have become the mad hatter
i am an oxymoron
Sep 3, 2018
Sep 3, 2018 at 6:57 PM UTC
i have watched myself get fat
over a broken heart
my daughter told me it was okay
round is a shape
my squishy made me the best cuddler ever
i have watched myself grow lean
over a broken heart
all excess shaved away
i can fit into a pair of jeans
and still turn heads
just enough left in all the right places
i wear a ring on my wedding finger
not as a promise to another but myself
it was given to me by my sister
simple silver with one word on it
“believe”
i’m not sure that i do anymore
i have hidden a word inside that band of silver
“believe” may be our family word
it isn’t mine anymore
hidden behind a word balanced on hope
is my chosen word
balanced on reality
i am a secret walking out in plain sight
the word “forged” now balances out
that ring of silver
i am too old to believe in fairy tales anymore
i have taken all that makes them “believe”
turned it into black metal in my bones
i am becoming something they don’t want to see
smelted iron burns fire in my eyes
i vibrate at a frequency that they can’t recognize
i have been chiseled down to only what is essential
excess has no place in my life
it has become me separate from them
i am not polished or neat anymore
fire scale has reworked muscle into iron
layers of oxides left after the burning
i can see the reshaping of my skeleton
ashes covering hard angles and planes
this is my drawing down
i am proud of my hardness
i run my hands over new territory
familiar landmarks made fresh under sooty skin
nobody recognizes my rebirth by fire
i don’t need them to see me in my new skin
but that doesn’t stop me from wishing that they would
Aug 26, 2018
Aug 26, 2018 at 1:09 AM UTC
**** you
i scream inside my head
**** you
for not being what i needed you to be.
**** you
for not loving me the way that i love you.
**** you
for not needing me,
for not finding those places in me
that i was offering to you.
**** you
for leaving me alone again,
for giving me nothing but memories.
**** you
for the broken promises.
**** you
for not trying.
**** you
for giving up on me,
on us.
**** you
for not caring enough to try,
for taking me for granted.
**** you
for making me bleed.
**** you
for seeing me bleed.
**** you
for leaving,
for walking away,
for being on that list.
**** you
for letting me love you,
for letting me give up everything for you.
**** you
for giving up nothing.
**** you
for leading me on.
**** you
for taking me,
for not wanting what you asked for.
**** you
for letting me love you.
Aug 25, 2018
Aug 25, 2018 at 1:08 AM UTC
we are made / breath and bone / heart-sinew-muscle / bound together / divided by / the thirty-one names / for line
not all syllables / are beautiful / ordained / not when what it comes down to / is desire
a band / stippled by tongue / braille spoken / melting / how i want to burn holes into your skin / with my mouth
in profile; lineation / longing to taste you / wet mouth against / hard skin
what is the fuel of desire?
small touch / from silhouette to smile / innocuous; not innocent / reaching furrow to groove / as if time and space / were ending
with edge / nails raking creases / angry red welts / lineament / delineation outlined / lust with a sensation / drawing on that / which has been ignited
magnetic; electric / figurations of these abstract currents / contoured by a liquid look / first glance / underlined with promise / your name / safe in my mouth
i stop breathing when you smile
so much time spent / in a shared space / desiring that which is denied us / borderline days laid with fire / as long as nothing has happened between us / boundaries walked on tip-toes / our memories are cursed / with what has not been
the wait will be fun but it will not be easy
in our fall there is gravity and grace / that lust and rage / should dance in attendance / we become stardust / streaks without limit score moonbeams / this is the first time that Vega / the fifth brightest star in the sky / has been jealous
those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained
celestial configurations / are no match / for the molten fire / your heated fingertips / dash across my velum canvas / wrinkles tracing peak to bar / you stripe my skin in red / not in punishment / but lust / demarcations cease to exist / we are undiscovered frontiers / your rule to my figure / scratch your history into my bones
i want to taste you again, like a secret or a sin
Aug 24, 2018
Aug 24, 2018 at 6:58 PM UTC
how do i fight a war
armed only with words
when everyone else
is carrying steel?
Aug 24, 2018
Aug 24, 2018 at 6:33 PM UTC
(what blue tells “it’s a girl”)
(part 1)
emerging into the world under the banner
“it’s a girl!”
comes wrapped in nothing but pink
expectations
born pink
helium-filled mylar screams
branding new life from first breath
softness bubble-gum wrapped
cotton candy kissed
baby girl be soft
soft
soft pink
powder-puffed bunnies hide
power-puffed intentions that scream
pink for the taking
precious commodity
but only so long as the soft pink remains
intact
soft pink words rounded
nothing sharp for a baby born
without the blue
pink words saccharine-infused with sweetness
to be planted deep within
tiny bones to replace marrow
marrow meant to sustain a life
but pink
soft pink marrow
makes for a prettier picture
nobody likes a girl that’s jagged when you touch her
it’s a mortal sin to make a man bleed
red is not pink
be gentle
gentle
gentle girl
sit pretty sit silent
swallow down your voice
only open your mouth to make
pink butterflies cascade beauty
spit out only ribboned wings
floating rose-colored feathers
bubble-words all dull edges and placations
make sure those feathers land on the deserving
the deserving being those
born blue
fill the blue with your blush tones
enough to inflate egos
but not enough to touch the cyan
too much pink and blue runs
too much pink and blue changes
into a lilac sunset
blue needs to stay hard
reign in your pink
know when to retreat
know when to only
be seen
seen
seen girl
not heard
find the balance trapped
within the pink
the world expects you to be seen
swizzle sticks and cinnamon hearts
arm candy dress up the pink
you are a bloom-rose candy store that is always open
everything has a price but why pay
when it’s just pink for the taking?
show us the pink
body parts enhanced by slashes of color
not too bold but beautiful
always tasteful to be seen
full lips to spill
carmine kisses
blooming with promise
promises fulfilled on both knees
what pink wants doesn’t matter
when it comes to blue
soft pink skin slick sneaky peak
show some of that wet flesh
flush flash some of that pink
be seen girl
when being born pink
should have come screaming with a warning
caution tape wrapped tight
sealing up flushed flesh flashing pink
what’s wrong girl?
be warm
warm
warm girl
be pink pearl nail polish
strawberry lip gloss leave kisses
warm breath in all the right places
make blue melt in ways
that won’t mix with your pink
warm mouths can work magic
bubble-gum tongue lick ****
strawberry ice cream cones dripping
pink sugar running down sun-burned arms
fuchsia cloth triangles held only tight enough
to cover the pinkest places
laughter filled with light
smoky mauve curls let warm wash
soft edges over hard
but even when surrounded by roses
blue has sharper thorns
bleed
bleed warm girl
bleed crimson-tinted tear drops
with only a hint of salt
sugar and spice but mostly sugar
they will bottle it up to sell as a gift
this marrow-tinted hydrosol distilled
down to it’s purest form
liquid pink scented water stolen
more precious than perfume pressed by monks
deep within spanish caves
the monks at least have compassion
at least they ask the roses for their bodies and blood
blue just takes
they don’t call it “royal blue” for nothing
cobalt fists rain relentless
ribboned words and cloud-wrapped capes
are no match for their fury
be small
small
small girl
you are so fragile
from the moment you enter this world
swaddled in it’s a girl
swaddled in everything but blue
don’t want to be mistaken as a boy
not even right out of the womb
pink brings warmth and comfort
blue is a cool color
it bleeds lost gentleness from first breath
pink is never cool
be small even as you grow
fold into yourself to shift shape
break bones to leak out
soft marrow bubble words meant to appease
“yes” is always your best bet
when it comes to blue
blue can’t hear “no” coming from
a pink mouth
the frequency too high
vocal vibrations far out of blue’s hearing
those spoken syllables mean nothing coming from a mouth
good for only one thing
stay small
keep it tight and trim
just because you are a candy story
strawberry daiquiri lollipop curves
doesn’t mean you have to eat
like you live in one
keep it cherry girl
petite pufflette gummy bites
just waiting to be devoured
by hungry blue mouths
sweet little nothings
a paradise punch buffet
where pink is the only dish served
climb into the box
blue lays before you
squeeze yourself into that molded cage
it doesn’t matter how badly it hurts
it doesn’t matter that everything pink in you is screaming
for release
it doesn’t matter that you’re screaming at all
after all
you were just
born pink
Aug 23, 2018
Aug 23, 2018 at 1:43 AM UTC
i still smoke the same cigarettes --
camel menthol silvers
they make my hands smell like the inside of your mouth tasted.
i am still trying to breathe you in after all these years.
what the **** is wrong with me?
Aug 15, 2018
Aug 15, 2018 at 1:02 AM UTC
i lined my eyes
in black
today
it was the last thing that i did
i told my daughter
that i wasn’t going to cry
“cover girls don’t cry
after their face is made”
maybelline
was my armor
those black lines
my lines battle lines
drawn in the sand
i could look at myself in the mirror
only after i knew what i would see
looking back
the jagged shapes
devil’s geometry
that has made up my reflection
suddenly rounded
slid into “real” life
black lines said it was okay to look
i was safe from my own shrapnel
i know that girl
the face is made
you go into your jungle
with your camouflage
i don’t question whether or not
you know which hues of earth
desert sand silt mud moss
to use as your invisibility cloak
don’t question my choices of medium
black lines made to enhance
what they all want to see
made to hide in plain sight
everything none of them deserve
i have my own jungles
my paint just looks different than yours
this is the first time i have looked
myself in the eyes
in over three months
my lines are so flawless
practiced and perfected
even i get distracted
by contrast and shape
a glitter misread
by the lie
i haven’t worn this mask in a while
i found it still fits like an old glove
i know what my eyes can do
slant to seek
quick wink one corner
mouth slightly upturned
in a hint
i move men with only a glance
watch me bring you to your knees
its the same old game
i don’t want to play anymore
but i lined my eyes in black tonight
i put on this mask
“after their face is made”
so i play anyway
i’m not here to make friends
i’m not here to play nice anymore
i just want to taste the way you bleed
Aug 13, 2018
Aug 13, 2018 at 2:03 AM UTC